HNT, September 29, 2011: Forest

I know. I said goodbye and all... but I went for a walk in a nearby forest the other morning, and there was just something about the dripping moisture and the light mist and the low sun and the slippery, muddy ground and the smell of rotten fruit and decaying leaves and fungus that was so intensely erotic.

If I had had no boundaries whatsoever I would have stripped naked and lain down on the wet leaves and the mud, and made myself come right then and there. But I didn't... of course I didn't.

I did take a couple of pictures however, and I have nowhere to show them but on here. I loved feeling the cool, crisp air on my breasts... and truth be told, I loved feeling slightly nervous that someone would spot me as well, though I hid a little in a clearing away from the walking path, and I only saw two persons during my half hour in the forest anyway, so there wasn't exactly a crowd to watch out for.

Go see more hnt:ers at Osbasso's.

Goodbye

A concerned reader emailed me and alerted me to the fact that my posts as of late have started to show signs of ennui.

And he's right. I don't really know why I blog any more.

I suppose I should explain myself. The thing is that the topics for this blog - my sex life and my online relationship - have been some of the key elements in a far greater process. I wasn't aware of that when I started writing, but the fact is that during the life span of this blog, which is less than a year, I have gone from a point where I had serious doubts about my marriage and the general direction my life was going in, to a point where I have created a more independent position for myself within that same marriage, and where I feel I'm in charge of my own life. My husband hasn't always been thrilled, but he has accepted the changes with greater ease than I could have ever imagined.

And though I will continue to explore new erotic frontiers, and though the online affair is still very much ongoing, I don't feel the need to analyze their existence anymore. I think I'm pretty confident by now that they are treasured and necessary parts of my "new" life, and I will simply enjoy them now.

I should thank you for your input, of course... but I'll have to be honest: what has meant the most for me has been knowing that my thoughts are read by someone. That fact has forced me to clarify my thinking before hitting "publish", and all that extra thinking has really made a huge difference. So to all of you: a sincere thank you.

Mmm

Finally. It's been so long... a long, late conversation in the dark... must have been over two hours. We weren't cut off, for which I'm very grateful ;-)

Sleepy now.

And completely relaxed.

An impossible fantasy

I often fantasize about being in a relationship without kids, with an attractive man.

In my dreams I imagine a lazy Saturday, a long breakfast, a latte, reading the newspaper - much like today.

Then getting a little bored, and very horny - much like today.

And then seducing... being teased... having the last drops of latte dripped on my nipples, sucked off... my ass grabbed... a hard cock brushing against my leg... a whispering voice, very close to my ear, telling me not to move... feeling my body respond, my skin damp and electric...

Very much not like today.

I can't work on making my fantasy come true, since I'd never wish to be without my family - my lovey but un-attractive husband, my kids that I love more than anything.

I sometimes dream of it happening in a distant future, when the kids have grown up. But by then I'll be an old lady. Somehow I can't fit that into the fantasy.

I suppose I'll have to start writing porn. Or find a real life lover.

In fact, if I had some alone time and if S were online, that'd be absolutely wonderful too.

Instead, I will now bake cookies with my oldest daughter. Not bad at all - but not quite what my body tells me I need right now.

HNT, September 15 2011: Curves

I was talking with S last night. We were cut off, and I lay in the dark, watching my naked body, only lit by the cool light of the laptop screen. I felt as if I was watching with his eyes.

Visit Osbasso and see who else is half nekkid this week.

Regrets

Ok, so I have an issue with phone sex. I love it but I get too lost in it, it's so intense I lose focus, or rather, I am so completely focused on my own pleasure I forget everything else. Afterward I'm struck with doubts and feelings of inadequacy and selfishness.

I explained all of the above when S turned out to be at home today, offering to call. He said he understood, but I felt horrible and regretted having said anything at all. We said goodbye... but my head was spinning, and I couldn't stop thinking about his voice.

I can't believe I turned down one of the rare occasions on which we could phone each other. I got hornier and hornier, and after a while I messaged him, telling him of my regrets... poor man, he probably wishes quite often that he was involved with someone just a tad less emotional!

I was so aroused, on the brink of coming... but I had a faint hope he'd come back online, so I waited. I have to say those were some very, very pleasurable ten minutes, staying on the edge just in case he'd be back... but finally I couldn't take it anymore, and came, and went offline.

Oh well, I suppose I learned a lesson :-)

Coffee break

I've been working very efficiently today. I didn't open the messenger - I knew that if I did, there was a great risk of me leaving my notes and assignments aside, and instead finding myself on the bed, panting.

S hasn't been feeling well and I've been busy, so we've hardly talked the last few days, just some quick reports and hellos. I've missed him... and in the afternoon I couldn't resist any longer. I went online, and within minutes he said hello.

And within another few minutes images were flowing, invading my brain, shoving all thoughts of work to a dark corner... We didn't say much, but we didn't need much either - there were mentions of a wet tip, a throbbing clit, hot skin and eager fingers, and something else as well... or was half of that in my imagination even? As well as in his, probably... Seconds later - literally seconds - my sex was throbbing, and my hand on its way under my dress..

I showed remarkable self discipline, and stopped there. Back to work.

But it was a beautiful coffee break. Without coffee.

Betrayal

I’m the first to admit that I’m betraying the trust of my husband.

He vaguely knows that I masturbate when he’s not around, but he has no idea that I’ve been talking with an online lover on a daily basis for almost two years now, and that I climax with said lover several times a week, and with myself most every day. I might add that I never - yes, I mean never - climax with my husband. (He knows that of course; I’m not faking.)

Nor does he know that I have a gentle crush on a woman both he and I are acquainted with, or that I once in my youth had a major crush on a female colleague. He simply doesn’t know anything of my curiosity towards women.

And he has no clue as to just how kinky I am when it comes to erotic desires. He doesn’t know that I’ve been through a sexual awakening of sorts over the last couple of years, or that I watch porn, or that I’ve written an erotic novella that I’ve shown to no-one.

In the beginning I felt guilty about it all. But... how do I explain this. He and I have a beautiful relationship; not erotically, but we’ve always been supportive of one another, and generous, and loving. He can’t care for my needs sexually, but he is my best friend, my partner, my companion, and, not least importantly, a wonderful father to our children.

What right do I have to ruin that? I know that trust would be hard to rebuild if I told him all my secrets - but that’s because he’s stuck in the monogamous world, whereas I’m realizing that one person will never satisfy all my needs in life. How could I expect him to NOT think that I’m looking to get out? And even if he became aware I wasn’t leaving now, how could he ever stop wondering not if, but when it will happen?

I might be able to convince him otherwise, but then again, I might not.

And if I couldn’t... I’d be forcing upon him, myself and my children a breakup and a separation, which I find is completely unnecessary.

Of course I’d love to be able to be completely open with him... but as I said, there’s no way of knowing that would be the outcome. It’s too big a risk to take. I wouldn’t be taking it for him, but for me. It wouldn’t be fair. I’m the one who’s in need of change - he obviously isn’t. I’m the one who needs to be open; he’s probably better off not knowing.

So I’ve quietly made the changes I needed to make, catering to my new needs, while not forcing him to join me. I don’t think I’m being selfish - quite the contrary.

And no, I don’t feel guilty. At all.

Do you?

Happy

It's such a wonderful level of flirting. It's not that kind of painful crush where every glance and every smile and every word is the source of either delirious joy or utter despair, but it's certainly not indifferent either. Sometimes I wonder if I really want anything at all to happen... I'm rather enjoying things as they are now.

I'm lucky: I get to see her a couple of times a week. I'm never alone with her, but I don't mind. I like catching her watching me from afar, through the crowds. I like getting a quick smile from her - and when I do, it's as if only she and I are in the room, though there are usually at least 50 others. I lke the warmth that spreads in my body, and I like the feeling of not being able to erase the silly smile from my face. I love wondering whether she's interested or just being friendly.

As for S... I've shared my concerns with him, and he says nice things to me. Things that make me smile. I think we're ok :-)

Difficult

Sometimes I regret having shared this blog with S. I need to vent things that he might be better off not hearing... but I have nowhere, absolutely nowhere, else to vent them, so I'll just go ahead.

We had phone sex today. It was very unexpected, and the timing (for me) was perfect, since I had already started when he came online, and when he offered to call I couldn't think of anything I wanted more.

And it was good, and hot, and he made me come hard... I also enjoyed just talking with him, hearing his voice... I love sensing the flesh and blood of him. It's a sensation that gets harder to grasp with time when we only communicate through written words.

But here's the thing: He didn't come. And I frankly can't remember when was the last time I made him climax. And I wish he wouldn't read this... he already knows I feel selfish, but I'd rather he didn't know that I question this whole relationship, that I question my own role in it, wondering why I can't seem to give back to him what he gives to me. Perhaps I've gotten more focused on myself, perhaps the novelty has simply worn off, perhaps he needs something else, or something new.

I'm not reinventing myself anymore... I think that's what it's about. I've explored countless kinks and desires with S, more than I thought was possible, and sexually I'm a different person today than I was when I met him. But I'm not sure what direction I could possibly move in, that I haven't already explored. I feel lucky to have made it this far, and I think I'm happy staying in this place. I've come to a place where I feel I have a deep enough well of erotic fantasies to dig from, and a wonderful lover to share them with. I feel safe, happy, comfortable. S is a positive, just by being him, whether he provides me with new thoughts or not.

I'm not sure he's as easily satisfied.

He's not the kind of person who's happy staying. He will never cease to explore, further and further... maybe he needs to do that with someone else? It's a frightening thought, but it's maturing, growing, making itself comfortable within me. I'm just waiting for him to realize.

It's an agonizing wait... and at the same time so enjoyable.

So very enjoyable.

One-sided phone sex...?

I talked with S this morning, and by that I mean a typed conversation. I was very aroused by our mutual fantasies and had to go lie down, with vibrator in hand. S was at work, so no chance of phone sex.

As I felt my climax approaching I had an urge to let him hear me... I even wrote a message asking if he'd consider calling me, not talking, just listening... but something made me hesitate, and I never sent it.

Instead I went ahead and let myself be swept away by delicious images and scenarios, and shortly after, during our still ongoing conversation, I came.

Afterwards I told him that I would have wanted for him to hear me, but that I hadn't quite been able to bring myself to ask. I didn't outright ask him if he'd have wanted to, and he didn't outright say that he would have. In fact, I think I rather gathered from his reply that he wouldn't.

Which is fine, of course, since that's up to him entirely. But while I do feel relaxed and very good after (sort of) coming with him, since it has been a while now, I'll also have to admit I feel just a tad insecure as well... or perhaps rejected, even? I guess I had hoped he'd be a bit more enthusiastic about the phone idea, and seeing as he wasn't, I feel embarrassed about having brought it up.

I'm glad I didn't ask before the climax. That might have ruined things.

I miss my numbers

S came online, and we took off into the land of daydreams... I'm definitely back. He had to leave after an hour of talking about this and that. I was close. So close.

Of course I kept going without him.

And now I miss my numbered posts a little.

Back in the roller coaster

I was starting to think my focus had shifted, that I was moving away from the erotic bubble I've been in and out of on a daily basis for the last couple of years. My daydreams faded, my online activites were next to zero, my blog almost dormant, my libido... well, far from non-existant, but not in the frantic state I've gotten used to. I thought I'd snapped out of it, and I felt confused. Empty. And was there a tad of relief?

I didn't think I would snap right back into it - but I did.

Suddenly, there she was, as lovely as ever, her eyes still searching for mine, rewarding me with a warm smile across the room or the lawn when she caught me searching right back. That hope, that I had buried and didn't expect to uncover, ever, came right back into light. And so there it was again, my pounding heart. And I was happy to welcome it back.

And there was someone else... just eye candy really, food for thought, a trigger for my imagination. But I didn't realize it fully until S came back. It didn't take him long to pull those taboo fantasies out of me, making me realize that I hadn't been at a standstill after all. And so there they were again, the tingle and the urge. I've missed them.

And now S has disappeared for a day or so, and I've immediately started worrying that he may have lost interest. And so here it is again, the shortness of breath, the brooding. And I know I need them to stay sane.

I've enjoyed the pause, but now I'm looking forward to hitting the roller coaster again. I am very happy to be back.

Frenzy

I just can't get enough right now. I can't even look at my bed without wanting to touch myself. I can't much look at anything without getting horny. In fact, I'm aroused even as I start looking. No really, I don't even have to look.

And tonight I'm going away and won't have any alone time... but in my frenzied state I'm sure I'll think of a way.

Talking in the night

I so missed S tonight... I didn't have time to make myself come earlier in the day, so I was incredibly horny going to bed, desperate for whispered words, hot touches, taboo fantasies. I knew he wouldn't be online of course, since he's still on holiday.

I was getting up early, but I just couldn't resist going into the chat. It has been quite a while. I started talking with someone, and he turned out to be a surprisingly sexy person who really turned me on. Very encouraging, and very obviously aroused, hard... which I loved imagining. I came, and then I came again.

So now I'm very relaxed and comfortable and ready to go to sleep.

Though I'll admit I feel just a tad unfaithful.

Afternoon delight

I feel lazy, in a way. With S away, no-one is making me dig deep inside myself for those secret fantasies that I love unlocking.

Instead, I'm digging into the gold mine that is this new new author of erotic stories that I've found. Which made for a great afternoon delight today.

I wonder why I'm always so very horny around 2, 3, 4 pm...? Never mind. I'm just glad that I have the house to myself around that time, finally, again.

First day on my own

Mmm. I've missed them so, those hours after taking the kids to school. At home, alone, after over a month constantly surrounded by family.

I had planned to get started with work, but seeing as I have a cold, I quickly succumbed to other desires and needs. For hours.

I have to come up with some kind of strategy though. During my long vacation I've felt inspired to focus on work during the next few months, but I had clearly forgotten how easily I stray from such plans.

Monday. I will work all day Monday. Promise.

Middle of the night

I woke up in the middle of the night and felt wide awake. The thought of masturbating crossed my mind, and I spent a while daydreaming about someone who's been on my mind lately, but the dreams of her are more romantic than erotic. I went on to open the laptop and read the local news, after which I checked the messenger - not because I thought there'd be something there, and definitely not because I expected to talk, but simply out of habit. I was surprised to find a message from S, who's on a holiday. I hadn't thought I'd hear from him until he got back.

The very brief message got my thoughts going.. I looked up an erotic story, and was surprised to find one which was well written and just to my tastes. What a feast it is when that happens! With mini-vibe in hand I read on, knowing I wouldn't make it until the end of the story.

I love that feeling, of being so close, only allowing myself very light touches of the vibrator, set on low, as to not climax too soon. Challenging myself to read just one more paragraph, then one more, and one more... until finally deciding to let myself go, feeling the spasms ripple through my body in the darkness of the room, the pleasure prolonged by wet fingers knowingly curling and swirling around just the right spots at just the right intervals.

Very relaxed and sleepy now. Too bad I'll have to get up in just one hour.

The state of things

I've had a loooong vacation, with very limited possibilities for talking online and/or masturbating. I need my alone time back. Looking forward to going back to work. A lot.

I've seen the woman I'm interested in again, finally, after a couple of months of no contact... I can't figure out if she's flirting back or just warm-hearted by nature. She smiles a lot, she's very physical. Which doesn't necessarily mean that she's flirting. Which probably doesn't mean that she's flirting. Ah, I wish I knew. I've enjoyed seeing her again nonetheless. A lot.

S has gone away, and I won't be talking with him over the next couple of weeks. I already miss him. A lot.

Post phone sex stress disorder

Written words have always been my friends. If given a choice, I'll choose written communication over spoken any time. I'm a slow thinker and I'm not particularly fond of hearing my own voice. I don't feel confident about speaking.

Needless to say, chatting and online communication suits me really well.

But then from time to time, S and I will have phone sex. I love hearing his voice... love it. I get so aroused, and come so easily while listening to him, and afterwards I love recalling his voice as he nears climax (sometimes I'll read stories about men masturbating, only to imagine the sound of him... and I'll come to that image.)

But: So unsure am I of spoken communication, that I'll more or less assume that I'm a disappointment to him.

Considering how much he seems to enjoy talking on the phone with me, I'd say it's pretty obvious that I'm wrong. But it's a fact that while phone sex tends to make me more attached to S, making me want to chat online even more, he seems to react in the opposite way. Our online conversations are often reduced to a minimum for some time after we've talked on the phone.

My brain is fairly sure that there are other factors behind this, not having to do with my ability (or, should I say, inability) to use spoken words, but my heart is not following. It gets nervous, scared - sometimes to the point where I won't even go online. I realize that this strategy eliminates every chance of S contacting me, which is the opposite of what I want, but at certain times, it definitely beats the horrifying risk of staying online, only to discover that he's not around, which in my agitated state sends me endlessly contemplating the possible reasons behind his absence (and I'm ashamed to admit that I usually fail to consider the most obvious ones, such as him being busy or tired).

Yes, I'm obsessing, and yes, you may call me crazy (and if my friend G was around I'm sure he would, which would probably both make me angry and do me good). However, I won't acknowledge it as an entirely negative feeling. I love that S still means that much to me that he can affect me so profoundly, after over a year and a half of talking online, practically on a daily basis.

It's both scary and delightful.

But yes, I suppose I have confidence issues, and that I should somehow be working on them.

Frustrated

I'm in the middle of a long time off the work/school routine. All of my family is at home, for week after week. It's wonderful to get to spend all that time together, but...

...I so miss my daytime playtime. I so miss it.

Needs

I love how a full bladder accentuates my arousal.

I love having slow sex when I'm bursting.

I love that I got almost an hour with S, though I'm away with family and not at home. A very hot hour it was.

It's late at night, it's dark, I'm in a bed that's not my own, in a house that isn't mine, and I don't know which need to tend to first: to come, or to pee.

And I love it.

A good night

These days are frustrating. I can't be online much, and I really miss the daytime talking with S. It's different from nights somehow, more focused. At night, we take our time, since we can often take as much as a couple of hours to talk. But during the day we might only have ten minutes, so we either keep it strictly friendly, or completely hot.

Anyway, we got half an hour or so in the day today, which had me very aroused, but not able to touch since I was sitting on a narrow lawn by a very busy street. After that we exchanged a few offline messages, which made me look forward to talking at night very much.

So. Night came. S came online - but only for 15 minutes, and then he had to go.

I was fantasizing even before he said hello, so he left me completely wet, aching... I didn't really know how to handle it, I sooo wanted to talk. So I went into a chat room... and almost immediately stumbled over a young woman who aroused me very much, and it seemed feelings were mutual.

We talked for an hour or so... god, she was delicious. I can't say that we connected, on a personal level, but I didn't really try either. We had a role play of sorts, and I loved it. After I came I didn't really feel like going on, but it felt rude to stop so I kept going until she came, or at least she said she did. I never really trust myself to be able to make that happen for others, but at least I sensed she liked talking.

A good night, though I have to admit I missed S, even in the middle of everything, and especially now, afterwards. It's been so long since we had a good climax together, and I can't even remember when was the last time we had any virtual post-coital cuddling. I know it doesn't sound like much for those of you who haven't tried it, but believe it or not, it's almost as good as the real thing.

Swimming

This online relationship that I'm finding myself in, which I'll call a relationship though I think that the other involved party will still not acknowledge it as such, is moving back and forth, constantly changing shape.

It used to be a tidal wave that swept me away, but it has evolved into a sea that I swim in... sometimes calm, sometimes upset, sometimes going this way, sometimes that, but constantly surrounding me, embracing me. I love the fact that I can't see the end of it.

Sometimes I'm getting more out of it than he is perhaps. Right now I'm floating, enjoying, letting him do most of the work... but I sense that he's okay with that. Hopefully I'll get to return the favour.

At least that's what I tell myself. I never know for certain, and actually I love that fact as well.

It's a wonderful contrast to the steady ground that is my marriage. I'm finding it easier and easier to handle the transition between my wave-riding existance and my more predictable landbased one... toghether, they provide me with the foundations of a good life.

Finally...

It could have been disappointing. S and I hadn't talked more than very briefly in almost a week, and when we finally met up tonight we only got to talk for half an hour or so. Neither of us was even close to climaxing.

But during that half hour he "woke" me in ways that no-one else, or nothing else, seems to be able to. He left me with taboo images, and a tempting fantasy... On my own, after, I had a series of delicious mini orgasms, like a string of glistening pearls, ending in a long, soft climax that made me relax completely, and smile.

I wanted to write something about taking chat breaks... but I'll save it for another time, right now I just feel like sleeping.

And smiling.

Not quite worth the wait

Nope, that didn't quite work out as planned. Well not as I had planned, anyway.

S was not around, and as it got late and I realized he probably wouldn't come online, I have to admit the play lost some of its allure. I had so hoped to get to talk with him tonight.

I even had flashes of the old familiar doubts, which didn't exactly do wonders for my libido.

I did have an okay time, and I did come, but it wasn't great and I sort of wish I had waited for another day or so. But then again, I know that life won't offer much in terms of opportunities to talk over the next few days, or even much privacy, so I figured I'd better make the most of it. It relieved some of the tension... but it wasn't what I had hoped for.

Am I getting too dependant of him again...? Ah, whenever I start feeling confident and safe something seems to happen to take those feelings away. Oh well. The rollercoasters. I love the real life kind, and I suppose I love the mental kind as well... I don't love riding them exactly, but having them in my emotional life, as opposed to not having them... yes. Yes. Not entirely pleasant, but a key ingredient to feeling alive.

And more waiting...

Just sneaked online, and talked with S for an hour or so. I'm at home and so is my husband and my kids, so there was no touching. But our conversation had me really, really aroused.

I can't wait for tonight. There will be some serious playing. With or without S.

Waiting

I once vowed never to wait for S. If I felt like playing, I'd go ahead without him if he wasn't around.

Well that has changed. If I feel like playing with him, I'll wait until he's available. It's so much better with him than with anybody else, or with just myself.

I suppose it's because we're in a different place now. I trust him. Before, not hearing from him would be scary, since I was never completely certain he was coming back. Now I know he's there. I might even say I know he wants me.

And sometimes, when the wait is prolonged, I even really, really enjoy the feeling of urgency, of frustration, of overwhelming arousal that is un-leashed, un-channelled, pent-up. I enjoy it, because I know it will be so much better when I finally find a release for that tension. With him.

I can only do it for so long though. If I can't catch him online tonight I'll have to go on on my own. God, I need to come. Soon.

In the dark

I love masturbating in complete darkness.

I don't, usually. At night, I'm usually bathed in the bluish light from my small laptop, either typing with S or reading a story or watching a clip. And even if the computer isn't resting on my breasts I usually keep it on anyway, since I've been writing about every single orgasm for the past six months or so, and I've usually done that right after climaxing. So what's the point in turning it off.

But I don't do that anymore, do I? Last night, S was sharing a delicious fantasy, and I really got into it. Then he had to go... so I turned off the laptop, and lay in the dark, and imagined every word of that scene, every face, every delicious detail... I played it in my head like a film, a script. I even mumbled some of the lines, imagined the moans, the sighs, the gasps.

I came hard, in the dark, and then I went right to sleep. And now it's morning, and still dark in my little room, and I feel like doing it all over again. I can hear the kids playing merrily downstairs (for once!) and my husband snoring in the next room, so... I just might.

Delicious women and unattractive men

I simply don't find men attractive. If there's a connection, then yes. A man who arouses my interest... I might well admire his face, his fingers, his stomach, his calves, his cock. I'll fantasize about his body, and get aroused by images and thoughts.

But an unknown guy I see in the street? Never.

Women, on the other hand. I can't think of many who don't have at least one lovely feature, in fact most have many, some have them in abundance, and a few are so delicious to just watch that I can't stop myself from imagining touching them, kissing them, being abducted by them, slowly seduced, and becoming their longterm lover. I've spent half day in various stores and I have seen at least 50 very attractive women whom I very much enjoyed admiring, but not one man.

Is it only me? I certainly don't mind getting intimate with men, in fact I've enjoyed that a lot - a LOT - over the years, and I probably spend more time thinking about having sex with men than with women. But I never, ever get attracted simply by the good looks of an unknown man, or, for that matter, a known man whom I don't particularly like, no matter how "good looking" he's considered to be.

In fact, I don't think I ever have.

Long and pointless

Sometimes I wonder... Perhaps I shouldn't wonder on here, and that's one of my concerns with this blog - that S knows about it. I honestly can't imagine having a blog that involves him and not telling him about it, so I have no regrets about letting him read it. But while it forces me to be honest, since there's a person who can cross check it for authenticity (which I like), it also prevents me from being honest about certain things. I don't want him to feel hurt or offended, but I also have a need to air doubts and thoughts that aren't always completely comfortable... not sure how to handle that.

I've been incredibly busy with work this past week, to the point of not even logging into the messenger that S and I use for talking. We've talked, definitely, but only for short whiles. Usually when that happens we compensate by talking at night, but lately I've experienced some health issues that have forced me to be a bit more careful with the amount of sleep I'm getting, and at the same time I've had to get up really early in the morning, which means we haven't been able to talk for a couple of nights either.

I so wanted to talk with him tonight. We sent each other little messages throughout the day and evening, not that many, but enough to make it very clear we both very much wanted to talk, and, frankly, that both were really horny.

I waited for him in bed. He came online late, and I had already been dozing for a while. Getting his first message made me wide awake, and instantly aroused...  and our fantasies took us into a taboo journey that we've been on before, but slightly different this time... each time is always different, that's the beauty of it.

But as I said, I wonder. I wonder if I took it too far. He keeps saying I can tell him everything, and I can, but I also keep saying that he doesn't have to share my every desire. There are those I'm fairly certain he doesn't share, that he's not particularly interested in exploring, and I respect that. I tell him anyway, but we don't use it for play. But tonight... perhaps he played along. I came hard, he didn't. Which doesn't mean anything, I know. Maybe he went online straight after having hot sex with his wife, what do I know (we never discuss that). Or maybe he just didn't feel like climaxing, simply enjoying the arousal... I know I have, many times. I just know that I was turned on to the point of exploding, while he perhaps was, or perhaps wasn't...  and I worry that I lead him to places he didn't want to go, but that for some reason he didn't want to let me know. Or maybe he just wanted to please me, why would that be so bad...? Ah, I wish I didn't worry so much about what he feels or doesn't feel. It's his responsibility, I know. But still. I don't want any of us to be too accommodating, I think that's it. Accomodating is nice, but not entirely honest. I want us to be able to be completely honest, even when it gets uncomfortable. Not only about what turns us on, but also about what doesn't.

And perhaps we are. And right now I'm worrying that S will read this, and feel hurt that I doubted his sincerity... God, what a long and pointless blog post. For you, poor readers (though I seriously doubt that any of you have made it all the way down here, and perhaps I even hope that none have), but not for me, though I can see how that's hard to understand. I just needed to get this off my chest, sort my thoughts a little... so that maybe I can express this better once I'm done sorting.

Perfecting the 3 pm session

I thought I had found the solution. My problem seems to be that I tend to stay on the bed once I've placed myself there, so I needed to find a way to keep the 3 pm masturbation session short and sweet, leaving time for more work afterwards.

So I packed everything I needed for work. I had a plan where and when to go. All I needed to do was to get off, and then take off.

I think it would have worked if I hadn't felt like sharing the moment with S. Though I knew I was aiming for a 10 minute break, I still messaged him, hoping he'd be there... and he was.

And so the 10 minute quickie turned into a 45 minute break. Again.

I'll keep working on it though, there has to be a way to make it work.

The advantages of not keeping an orgasm diary

• When the 3 pm horniness sets in, I can allow myself a ten minute quickie, knowing that it will only take ten minutes, not ten minutes and then another ten minutes to blog about it. (And instead of wasting the ten minutes I save to do more work, I can have another ten minute quickie.)
• After an intense couple of nightly hours with S, ending with the kind of climax that just makes me want to curl up next to him and drift off to sleep... I can do just that. In my thoughts. Without feeling I should blog about it.

But here I am, blogging about it anyway.

It just feels more real that way. As if putting it in writing proves it really happened.

Lost

I miss my orgasm diary days.

I've thoroughly enjoyed the climaxes I've had since I stopped counting, but I've missed taking the time to think back, to think them through, to see them in a new light, to get to enjoy them all over again when writing about them.

It's almost as if they never happened.

Last number

6 months. 171 numbered posts. 171 orgasms, each one unique and special, each one accounted for.

It has been a magnificent experiment. I have forced myself to be very, very honest, which has proved both challenging and useful.

When I started, I thought I'd write about my erotic fantasies. I quickly realized that wasn't at all what I wanted or needed to do. Instead, it has perhaps been more of a relationship blog, and S has been a huge part of it.

I've figured a lot of things out, and I have a need to go on doing that... the blog stays, but there will be no more numbered posts.

I'd like to thank all that have read and commented, or just read, and I invite you to keep reading, and commenting. Who knows what direction this blog will take...

Toy review

A long time ago, I received a vibrator from a company that markets and sells sex toys, in exchange for a review on the blog and the links you see in this paragraph, which seemed like a fair deal to me. Since my favourite vibe is showing signs of needing a replacement really soon, I looked into their selection of vibrators and chose a bullet, since it seems to be the favourite of many, while I've never even tried anything of the kind.

Still, it has taken me forever to try it out, mainly because I'm so addicted to my favourite vibe that it has taken me a while to sidestep that one enough times to write a fair review of this one.

For me, trying a sex toy once is like not trying it at all. Contrary to what is shown in porn clips, the mere touching of a sex toy to a woman's nether regions will not make her come, and come again, and again, until the sex toy is mercifully removed. It looks delicious but it doesn't work that way. Any sex toy, no matter how good, needs the powerful cooperation of the human mind in order to work. And for that reason, experiences will vary, not only with the toy used, but with the amount of arousal at the time.

Well, I have now used the RO-120mm bullet every now and then over an extended period of time, and here's my take on it.

For starters, it did come with batteries, which may be important if you're a first time sex toy user, but the rest of us, I assume, keep a huge stash of batteries at home (or, indeed, with us) anyway. More importantly, those batteries are of the AAA kind. Watch batteries are so impractical, and expensive, so I try to stay away from those.

Here's an amazing fact: Today is the first time I've changed batteries, in spite of having used it quite a few times by now. My regular vibrator literally eats batteries, so that's a huge plus!

This thing is very static, and for me, being used to bendier and softer stimuli, that took a long time to get used to. It has several modes, but I only use the steady vibration ones anyway. There are three of those, from a mild buzz to a fairly strong one, which suits me perfectly.

There's nothing delicious, nothing unexpected, nothing extra about this toy. However, the fact that it's a very handy size, not very loud, low on batteries and easy to clean, has made it my preferred travel toy. When I travel, I'm almost always with family - and those of you who are regulars to this blog will know that my husband has nothing to do with my toys or my alone playtime. There are no opportunities for long, delicious play - I simply need something discreet to help me get the job done, and this toy does it quietly and reliably.

Too bad it doesn't come with a nice travel bag. Luckily, I happened to have one just the right size. This toy fits very well in my travel toilet bag, and has gone with me on a few trips already... and it will go with me for this upcoming weekend as well  :-)

#171, June 30, mid-day

I had resolved to work efficiently all day. Don't ask me why I even bothered to log into the messenger this morning.

I immediately got a message from S, who told me he was on the chat site, logged in with our couple's profile.

It only took me a minute to create a second, similar profile, so that both of us could be online, and soon S said hello to me from within the chat room. We were both excited, discussing which other profiles to approach.

I couldn't help thinking back, on that night almost one and a half years ago, when we met on that same chat site. The topics we've explored since then, the secrets we've shared, the ups and downs we've gone through, the events in our "real" lives that have happened since then and that we have shared and discussed. The many changes in my erotic self, and probably in his too. And here we were, confidently sailing into the chat room as an online couple.

Anyway, no-one seemed overly interested in getting to know us, so we abandoned the chat site and moved on to phone instead.

So here I am, a few hours into the work day, not having achieved much work-wise - but very relaxed, and with a big smile on my face.

#170, June 29, night

S and I are not talking much during work hours these days, which I'm fine with, since I'm sort of enjoying focusing on work for once.

But nights... are hot. I can't talk every night, since I'm really busy with work and I can't work if I'm too sleep deprived. Like most lovers I try to work out ways that we can talk anyway... tonight I slept for two full hours before he came online. The laptop was on the bed next to me, and I woke by the message sound alert. I wonder if he'd think it silly if he knew. I don't really care. Whatever works, works.

And tonight we talked about something we haven't discussed before.... which I enjoyed. A lot.

The probing. The implying. The pauses. The hesitation.

Mmm. We're so good at this: exploring.

#169, June 27, night

After a few nights without talking it's as if both S and I were having withdrawal symptoms.

We ended up talking for a couple of hours, revealing new secrets... I'm amazed there are still secrets to tell...? In fact, these are not secrets as much as breaking new ground. Going places none of us have ever been before. Doing it together is so very exciting.

We can tell each other anything.

Anything.

Really: Anything.

#168, June 27, mid-day

I wish I had time to write more about this... but it's been a few hours since it happened now, I just didn't have the opportunity to write it down right after, like I normally do.

So I'll only say this:

• Chatting with S.
• Busy parking lot downtown.
• In the car.

And the reason I'm too busy to say more is that it's now very late, and I'm in bed, chatting with S again, re-enacting the above mentioned incident, filling him in on little details that I didn't have time to tell him when it happened. In short: recycling :-)

#167, June 26, night

I've been away with family. Without an internet connection. It had its upsides and its downsides.

I was very focused on family, which was good.
I was very frustrated by the lack of alone time, which was bad.
I enjoyed more or less innocent erotic daytime fantasies, inspired by the new environment in which I was finding myself, which was fun.

But at night... that's when it got difficult. I wasn't alone, most of the time. I didn't have the possibility to read stories or watch clips. I could barely even talk with S, though we actually did chat briefly a couple of nights, though cut short due to an almost non-existant phone connection.

So what happened was that my fantasies were put under a magnifying glass. A burning-glass. Concentrated, thickened, intensified. Enough to make me push past that last resistance, to the point where I could climax even though I wasn't alone, even though there were no locks on doors, even though I never felt completely at ease with masturbating.

And after letting those fantasies out last night I've really, really been looking forward to coming home, and to get to explore those fantasies with the aide of clips, sound, stories.

After coming to bed tonight there was a not insignificant part of me that wanted to wait for S. But he hasn't been around for a couple of days, and I didn't feel like waiting - perhaps in vain, perhaps resulting in me going to sleep without playing.

So I went ahead without him. And it was good.

I still miss him though.

#166, June 25, night

I did it. Not sure whether to be proud or ashamed: I masturbated and came while away on a short holiday, with one of my kids asleep in the same (small)room.

Not a very intense climax, but one that I've been looking forward to all day.

#165, June 23, mid-day

Talked with S, got so very aroused, but said goodbye in the middle of a very hot fantasy because I really, really needed to work. Then I realized that I was too distracted to work, so I had to make myself come. A real quickie, five minutes, ten perhaps.

Now I'll have to try very, very hard not to keep going.... work, work, work...

#164, June 22, night

I wasn't the only one having fun with our couple's profile on the chat site yesterday.

After my successful adventure with A in the morning, S felt like playing too. He had an opportunity to go online later that evening, and the thought really, really turned me on. I was hoping he'd come online later that night, I wanted to know if he'd found someone... and he did, and he had.

He told me about her, and it was hot. His arousal was so obvious. He surprised me by telling me that he needed to come, when I had barely started touching myself. I think we both enjoyed the new energy that came from playing with new people... but I also think that we most of all loved that we both found it so erotic to share that arousal with each other.

I'll fast forward a little. Tonight, we both ended up chatting with S's new acquaintance, M. (I'll consider putting together a quick reference guide of all the letters at play.) And this is where it gets tricky... I don't begrudge S his feelings of arousal and desire, but... well, I don't share them. She doesn't strike me as very genuine. I know that S feels the same way, but I don't think it bothers him the way it bothers me.

Perhaps it's a good thing. Perhaps that's why I don't have any of the feelings of jealousy that more or less consumed me at times back when we were both talking with J. J was so alluring, so erotic, so REAL. I can imagine playing a little with M, but truly connecting? No.

(Or have we simply gotten more secure with each other? I feel rather confident that S will remain my lover, no matter what happens with M, or for that matter with A, whom I talked with yesterday... perhaps a passing feeling, I'd better enjoy it while it's here...)

After M left I was a little confused. I so wanted to vent my feelings with S, but he had to go almost immediately. I felt a bit frustrated... so I did what I normally do on a Wednesday night when feeling frustrated... I watched a clip, and came.

And I'm still very curious about what will happen next.

#163, June 21, mid-day

Ok, getting a little embarrassing. I can't stop. Just me this time though, me and my thoughts. I will stop now. I really really need to work. But it's so so delicious. But I will stop.

##160 & 161 & 162, June 21, morning/mid-day

Wow.

Ok. Enter A.

It started last night, when S and I were fantasizing about playing with another woman... it's a recurring fantasy, but last night we daydreamed in a slightly more realistic way, and I ended up creating a profile for us as we were talking, and went into a chat room to look for that third.

Those of you who have been following this blog almost from the start might remember J... she and I, or she and S, have no contact now, but our time with her was an incredibly turbulent, exciting, arousing experience, from which I think we all learned something, and gained something.

Anyway... nothing ended up happening last night, though it was both exciting and fun - me exploring and talking in the chat room, while telling S about it all, and discussing with him whom to try to talk to, and what to ask. But this morning... I woke up horny, thinking about it... and couldn't resist using our new couple's profile to go into the chat again... where I was approached by A, a single woman in her thirties.

S said goodmorning in another window about the same time - we didn't talk all three, but I sent little greetings both ways, though it was definitely mainly about me and A getting to know each other.

And before I knew it, I was in the middle of a voice chat with her... (her idea, not mine!). We started hesitatingly, but in between her words I could hear the most delicious little sighs, which turned me on no end... She told me later that she wasn't very close to start with, but suddenly she was so incredibly aroused... and I could actually hear it while it was going on, I could tell that she was taken by surprise, and frankly so was I. We both came, sighing, growling almost, and afterwards we were laughing because it wasn't at all what we'd thought it would be.

After saying goodbye to A I immediately told all to S, who was very curious and waiting in another chat window... and telling him made me so horny that I had to go again, and I was practically begging him to call me, which he actually did. He whispered to me from a conference room at work, which turned me on so much that I came almost immediately.

And writing about it has made me so horny that I set off to round three, so I'll have to add another number to the title. God, what a day.

Very curious to know what will happen next.

Women, part 3

You may want to read part 1 and part 2 first.

For a long period of time after my failed lesbian romance, I was at a relationship standstill. I lived alone and had a good life with many friends, but no steady partner. The one-night-stands were all male, as well as my one-week-a-year lover. After a couple of years I fell in love, with a man. It was a troubled relationship, the on-and-off kind, but it was definitely very passionate and the sex was among the best I've ever had. To me, he was the ultimate proof that my excursion into gay love was simply a momentary lapse of reason (and yes, I love the song). I was finally proven straight again, and very relieved.

The passionate lover left, and after a short while I met my husband. That's over 15 years ago, and during all these years, I haven't dreamt about women, which to me has, again, proven that I'm as heterosexual as they come. But now, when I think back, I realize that I haven't dreamt about men either. Once I met the person I wanted to live with and have kids with, I closed all doors. He was enough for me. I wasn't available to others. I didn't look, I didn't flirt. It sounds catastrophic but it was what I wanted, and I have no regrets about it.

Things happened, and I won't go into them now. But: enter - chat. Online life. The disclosure of dreams, of fantasies. This was about a year and a half ago... and lead to the opening of that door that I'd kept closed for 15 years. First in my online life, rapidly followed by my real life, which is to say I started looking at men differently, and acknowledging that they looked at me with eyes I hadn't been aware of for very long.

I "met" S. After a couple of months of very, very intense talking, he asked me if I'd ever been interested in women. I said no, but continued by saying, "but I was in love with a woman once". It felt natural to tell him, and I was relieved - but I was still straight. And it still made a difference to me that I was.

It was after that that the fantasies and daydreams started. Of women. Of beautiful, sexy, erotic, alluring women. With soft curves, with warm breasts, with dreams of a first kiss. With promises of another life, another kind of relationship.

I was over 40 years old, but I was lost. Again.

#159, June 19, night

I've been aroused large parts of the day, on account of something related to work, oddly enough. I've gone online to look for S quite a few times, but he hasn't been around. And as usual, the arousal has piled up. Disappearing at times, then reappearing, each time adding to the pile, accumulating.

When I went to bed I knew that I needed to come. I had just selected an erotic story when S messaged me. It was well past midnight. We didn't really get into any one fantasy, and then he had to go. Perhaps he sensed it wasn't really going somewhere... and I don't blame him for it. Sometimes I get the feeling I'm using him, for my very selfish need to get off.

I felt like sleeping, but just had to make myself come first, so I read the story I had chosen earlier.

It wasn't very good; neither the story nor the climax. But at least I'll sleep well.

#158, June 17, night

S and I didn't talk all day, due to a chat client glitch, it turned out. None of us received the offline messages that the other was sending, which meant we missed an opportunity to talk on the phone that we'd both looked forward to.

Luckily, we reconnected for a while in the evening, and for a couple of hours (must have been like almost three?!) at night. Memories, fantasies, dreams.

He came a while before I did, and JUST as I came he had to go. I was left all alone with my postcoital urge for cuddling, which probably only would have manifested itself as a couple of sentences and a goodnight anyway, but I really, really missed those. Felt really empty and lonely.

But it has been a very good night so far... and very late now... in case someone is on at this hour (after all, it's not late all over the world), I might as well take the opportunity to say

goodnight.

Toys, part 3

I love sex toys.

I can't believe it's only been a year and a half since I bought my first toy. It was a cheap piece of bright pink plastic, and I soon started dreaming of something a bit different. I went to the toy store in town and carefully chose a medium priced g-spot/clit vibe, purplish-transparent, which I of course had to try as soon as I got home, even though the children were in the house.

I hid under the duvet, telling the kids I had to rest for a while. I tried it - and immediately knew that no fingers, actually no person, could ever do what this thing was doing to me.

That vibe is now over a year old, and very, very well used. I've tried to find a new one exactly like it, with no success. The thought of it breaking almost makes me panic.

So, needless to say, I'm always on the hunt, and I love browsing through toy sites. I rarely buy anything, but after looking around for a while I'll often move to the bed and open my secret toy drawer, which now hosts quite the collection, for a pleasurable alone moment.

So far nothing compares to my purple favourite, but a few do very well as complementary tools. I'll write about one of those, soon. Until I do, here's the fave vibe - if you know where to buy one of these I'll consider a reward...

Yes, it's bendy... It has two separate vibrating bullets. The intensity would vary when turning the knob, but that rarely works nowadays.

#157, June 16, mid-day

Sometimes I seriously wonder if there's something wrong with me. Don't know whether to be embarrassed or worried, or both, or neither.

After working intensely all morning, and still looking at a very busy afternoon, I was hit by an overwhelming horniness. I've been exchanging a couple of offline messages with S, and I literally mean a couple, so I don't think that's what threw me into this.

I gave myself ten minutes, but I didn't quite make it. It was more like twelve. Plus a couple more to write this. There, I'm off to run errands.

(Perhaps a hormonal disorder...?)

Women, part 2

You may want to read part 1 first.

That specific Saturday, I had to work. My friend didn't, but we had still planned for her to come with me, just for the fun of it. We were supposed to meet in a neighbouring city in the morning. We hadn't been able to meet up much for a few days so I had really looked forward to it. And I mean really.looked.forward.to.it. Thinking about it now, I'm completely amazed I still hadn't understood.

It wasn't until she called me that morning, to say that the 50+ lover and she had had a bit too much to drink the night before, and that it had gotten a bit too late, and that they had engaged a bit too much in other activities besides sleep that past night for her to be able to meet up with me. Only then did the realization hit me.

I was in a vast empty parking lot, in a small town that was still asleep early that Saturday morning. It was very windy, and cold - late autumn, almost winter. It suited my mood perfectly, as I stood there, the icey wind in my eyes, the dry dead leaves blowing around my feet, tears streaming down my face.  Crying out of jealousy, out of a broken heart, out of shock, from realizing that I loved her, and from realizing that she loved me, and that she had desperately tried everything to make me realize it, even going so far as to use her lover to provoke me. And above it all was the big scary word, so easy to accept about others, but so unthinkable for me to use as a label for myself: LESBIAN. (I don't even think I knew there was such a thing as bisexuality. God, I knew so little.)

I've never been a conservative person, and still can't understand why it was so difficult for me to accept. Little things, like "how do I tell my parents", became insurmountable problems. I thought about how much hardship I would face if I was open about what I had found out about myself, and I thought about the hardhips i would face if I hid it.

Obviously, millions before me have done it, quite successfully, including her. Did that inspire me? Did I decide that she was worth it?

No. For some reason I thought that I, contrary to those other millions, wouldn't be able to handle it. Instead I made a very deliberate decision not to acknowledge it.

Never has anyone showed love for me so openly, and never have I been so slow to understand. Never have I turned it down so forcefully, and never have I hurt anyone so terribly. I moved away from her city, and country, shortly thereafter.

About a year later, I told an acquaintance at a party about my experience. She was gay and I thought she'd understand, but she didn't. This was around 20 years ago, and I never told anyone else after that, not even my husband, whom I met a couple of years later, after finally mending my severed heart.

Not until I told S last year, that is.

#156, June 15, afternoon

I thought it was a quickie. Felt like I got aroused with the speed of lightning, and came like a freight train. Suddenly, I found myself on the floor of the living room, a toy nearby, half naked, the door to the garden still open (I was very quiet), panting and very relaxed.

But when I saw the time I realized almost 1,5 hrs had gone by, talking and daydreaming with S.

The pros and cons of an online affair

Much like any animal, a person will learn from actual results following an action, rather than reasoning and logic.

Action: I bring up an idea (something I want to try, or do) with my husband.
Result: He says "sure, we'll do that sometime", and then never brings it up again.
What did I learn? That there's no point in telling him what I want.
End result: Lack of communication. Unhappy wife, with doubts as to how long I will be able to stand not having my needs and wishes met. Unhappy husband, who has no idea why his wife isn't ever happy about things.

Now I realize the above strategy probably failed because I wasn't clear enough. He might have responded differently had I told him, for example, that I wanted him to tie me up and tease me for five hours straight without letting me climax, while I sucked him and let him come in my throat, or indeed anywhere he wished, as many times as he wished.

True, I didn't put it quite that way to him. But in my mind, it feels as if I tried all sorts of ways to bring up ideas with my husband, both with regards to sex and with regards to other things. Nothing ever happened.

Action: I went online.
Result: I found what I was looking for, and more: Satisfaction, passion, interaction, arousal, intimacy, immediate response to any idea I felt like broaching, and an endless source of breathtaking exploration.
What did I learn? That if I want something, I have to get it for myself. That if I really decide to go get it, I really can have it.

This may seem like a hazardous road, relationship-wise. And it is, of course. It's the road to infidelity, to intimacy lost, to needs that belong in a marriage satisfied elsewhere.

But let's leave sex out of it for a while. A marriage is so much more (yes, it is). Looking at other, important aspects, my online life hasn't only stolen from my marriage - it has also given back. I have learned how to get things for myself. I've stopped seeing my marriage as an obstacle for my own needs and wishes.

Example: I felt I needed more space, but any attempts to bring it up so far have been met with hurt feelings from my husband. So instead of talking about it, I went right ahead and figured out how to organize a little private office at home, which would also free up space for my husbands's things, and then told my husband that I had decided on rearranging some things, and I told him how. And he said "sounds fine to me, sure, let's do it".

Another example: I wanted to try a new activity, that would inevitably steal from family time, that my husband had said for many years that we "could try sometime", but every time I suggested that we actually do it there seemed to be so many other things that were more urgent. So I figured out where and how to do it, and told my husband that I'd be away the next evening, so he'd have to put the kids to bed. And he said "ok, have fun". After a while, I found a way to engage one of my kids in the same activity, and I have hopes that the rest of the family, including my husband, will come along eventually.

I am a stronger, more independent woman now. I don't go around waiting for something to happen, while whining to myself about the fact that nothing ever does.

Sexually, I've come to realize that I don't desire my husband. As sad as that may be, it's still better now that I'm aware of my feelings. I've found other ways to satisfy my needs, and I've found a way to keep my husband reasonably happy. It's not an ideal situation, with regards to marital intimacy, but while it hasn't improved my sex life with husband, nor has it made it worse. I think we both have more realistic expectations now, and both seem to be able to live with it, for the time being.

There are issues... mainly when I'm unhappy with my online life... when I'm worried, afraid, sad. Those feelings tend to follow me into my "real" life, and I hate that they sometimes steal focus from my family. But when I feel my thoughts slipping from the movie I'm watching with my husband, to feelings of worry or sadness, I tell myself: I want this. I need the turbulence. It may hurt right now, and I don't always know that there's a good ending in sight, but my hurt only proves my emotional life is getting some exercise, which is a good thing. That exercise is hard to find within the suburban routine marriage of 15+ years.

In those situations, I also tend to see clearer which is my "main" life. After an initial bout of panic, when I realize that my "real" life may not be everything I once dreamt it would be, I tend to find my way back. I realize that I want this, too - and not only the children, but also my marriage. I love the predictability, the friendship, the close bonds. I love the deep intimacy that perhaps isn't very erotic after all these years, and after seeing needs follow diverting paths, but nevertheless it's a deep intimacy that I want and need. I love my husband.

If I hadn't pursued my online life I'm not sure I'd be so sure of that.

#155, June 14, night

S and I haven't talked much lately, but we've seen nothing of the loss of intimacy that (I think) we usually suffer when that happens, and I haven't worried much, or been scared of losing him. Which is odd. But really, really good.

The fact that I don't mind the drop in frequency suggests it's a step back. The fact that I feel so very close to him whenever we do talk suggests that it's a step ahead. I don't know, and frankly I don't care.

We chatted for a while tonight, about this and that. Work. Film. Sex. More sex. Fantasies. More fantasies. Intense fantasies. Taboo fantasies.

I suddenly knew I would come within minutes... I didn't want to, but it had been a few days and I was simply hit by this super intense arousal that seemed to suck in my fingers, the vibe, his voice, the pictures in my head... everything was leading up to the moment of release, at a relentless speed over which I had no control. I've missed coming with him so I tried to hold back, but couldn't. I had to tell him, and he told me he wanted me to come... now.

So I did.

Oh I've missed it so. My eyelids, my thighs, my upper stomach, my shoulders, my feet... they are all so relaxed, it's incredible.

We talked some more after. There seems to be some phone sex coming up in the near future. He also made a request that made me smile, and blush.

I could keep talking all night, but it's of no interest to anyone, and I have to sleep.

Women, part 1

I don't know where to start, but I'll probably start with one of the best memories of my life, and one of my deepest regrets.

I was 20 something. And by that I mean like 22. I had recently moved to a new city to work, in fact a new country, and one of my new collegues, a woman five or six years older than me, very quickly became a very good friend - the kind of friend you hang out with ALL the time. The kind of friend to whom you don't say "you want to do something Saturday?", but rather "what do you want to do Saturday?".

She wasn't openly gay, but she was open about it to her friends, including me. I didn't mind, and I didn't care. I had a few gay friends back home, it wasn't a big deal.

For years, she had had an ongoing affair with another colleague of ours, an older woman (50+). It was mainly erotic and I was impressed, and intrigued, but nothing else. I myself got involved with a married man... and if anything, our respective affairs stole from our time spent as friends, which annoyed us both - but hey, a woman has needs. It seemed like a perfect arrangement - a beautiful friendship to satisfy our souls, a couple of pleasant affairs for sex, perhaps with the odd one night stand thrown in every now and then.

Months went by. I wouldn't admit it to myself, but I grew increasingly jealous of the 50+ woman. They seemed to spend more and more time together. I started to feel left out, and it all culminated on one specific Saturday morning.

Let me rephrase that: It culminated on a specific Saturday morning, which I only the other day remembered, after not having thought about it for years and years and years, and recalling it made me re-interpret large portions of my life.

This post is already too long, so I'll take a break here. I need to write about this though, so I'll probably continue very soon.

#154, June 11, night

Just keeping count. Not telling.

#153, June 10, morning

Last night, talking with S, was just so very intimate. I knew he was naked, in bed, in the dark... so I undressed, and lay naked too, in the dark. It felt as if we were in the same room. As if it was the darkness, not the distance, that prevented us from seeing each other.

There is so much... I've always found it hard to believe that a person can repress memories, but I've seen much proof of it in my conversations with S - how his non judgemental attitude has made me open up completely, and release memories that have been hidden for 20 years or more.

I may share one such important memory on here one of these days, one that suddenly popped up a couple of days ago and has made me see some things about myself in a different light.

After those moments of intense sharing with S yesterday we imagined something, and it was hot... and we both came to it... and today we couldn't resist continuing the fantasy. I hadn't planned it but I was suddenly in the middle of, shall we call it an experiment. Which aroused me so that I had to make myself come directly afterwards. And now all sorts of props are scattered around me on the bed and I really, really should work.

And no, neither the fantasy nor the experiment were in any way related to the memory.

I feel like an open book. I know, not to you - I realize I'm being very secretive here. But to myself. As if I've just now found a book named "Johanna, the true story". Perhaps not of much interest to others, but to me - very.

#152, June 9, night

So, so, so, so intimate.

I have to sleep. I might update this post tomorrow. Or not.

I've had an incredible couple of days... alive, alert, awake. Happy. Life is good.

#151, June 8, afternoon

The four o'clock horniness was impossible to resist today. Hurried, intense, sweaty.

I should hop in the shower, I should talk for a couple of hours with S, I should relax and maybe even take a nap, I should work a few more hours...  but, as all parents of young children will know, it's time for the busiest few hours of the day.

Glad I can meet them with a refreshed mind and a relaxed body.

#150, June 7, night

I was stressed with work, and stayed up late, trying to catch up. But... I kept the messenger window open, and I knew that if S showed up I would forget completely about work. Of course.

And that's exactly what happened. When he had to leave suddenly after about an hour we hadn't really gotten anywhere, in terms of explicit cyber, but our conversation made me feel close to him, fond of him, excited with the prospects of exploring more with him, aroused by, among other things, the scary question of just how far we're willing to take this.

By the time he left it was very late, but still I managed to work efficiently for about an hour. And then I desperately needed sleep, but I knew it wouldn't come easy, with the pent-up arousal still in there somewhere, and still wound up about work.

So I got myself a little quickie. A short clip, some added thoughts, an imagined dialogue, a brief session with the vibe... et voilà. I won't get many hours of sleep, but I'll definitely sleep well.

#149, June 6, afternoon

My family was at home. I withdrew to work, door closed around me. Took out my work things, but couldn't resist logging on to the chat client as well. Got a message from S... answered... got one back...

When messages had flowed for over an hour I couldn't resist slipping a very small vibe inside my panties... and I'll leave you to imagine the rest.

Feeling very relaxed now, with a smile on my face. And some work to catch up on.

#148, June 5, night

10 things that have aroused me today (slightly censored version):

1. Meeting a couple I'm loosely acquainted with in town. They're both attractive. He's flirtatious (when I catch him alone). She's jealous as hell (when I'm not with my husband). (I have all kinds of fantasies about him. And her. And them.)

2. Fantasizing about the woman I flirt with. (I won't see her for another couple of months, sadly.)

3. Getting really, really, really angry in a store, resulting in getting a 120 euro discount. (Releasing anger is very powerful. And rare.)

4. Seeing a charming young man, early 20s, with very long hair, a tall muscular body, a great smile and an attitude in a store. (This really surprised me.)

5. Seeing a woman in another store. (Won't disclose what aroused me about her.)

6. Having a completely un-erotic and sort of formal skype conversation with a stranger, regarding an arrangement. (The whole thing, both the arrangement and the skyping, made my thoughts wander. Mainly to S.)

7. Watching porn clips for 7 minutes, without sound, my family unknowing but at home, not with the intention of masturbating, just teasing myself a little. (Very succsessful, the tease.)

8. Seeing something on tv, which caused a physical reaction I haven't felt in years. (Won't go into the nature of it.)

9. Getting a message from S shortly after I settled into bed. (I've missed him so.)

10. Talking with S for one and a half hours, at night, in bed. (I told him about the woman in the store... and we took it from there.)

S disappeared just as I was getting really close, but my thoughts were unstoppable... I came 10 minutes later, wishing he'd been there, but very glad I got to talk with him.

#147, June 4, late night

Ok, already doing a pretty good job at letting that arousal out.

What started as a night where I was a little sad that S wasn't around evolved into one of those lovely falling-in-and-out-of-sleep nights, where each awakening and each falling asleep is a haze of arousal, almost like a dream.

Then I woke up a little more, and watched another clip or two. Came to a video showing a woman completely lost in pleasure, screaming out her lust, riding a sybian, while her female friend is sitting behind her, caressing her, touching her.

Ever since I started watching porn, I've wondered whether sybians really exist. Has any real person ever tried one of these, or is it a porn myth? Anyway, it does look delicious.

#146, June 4, night

S and I are not in an intense phase, partly because I've been busy, partly because I don't know what. It worries me a lot. And yes, I realize this must be getting tiring for the readers of this blog. It is to me as well. And to good friend G, who sighed when I told him and said:  "I don't know why you worry. You know he'll always come back".

But that's the point. I don't know.

Tonight, I debated with myself for some time whether masturbating would make me miss him more or not. Then I got tired with myself and watched a video and came within minutes. It's been too long...

And yes. Masturbating did make me wish intensely that he'd been here. But it did my body good, definitely.

I have to pick myself up. Or maybe not. Deep down, I'm glad I'm at least honest to myself. Even feelings of sadness and worry are good, somehow. I feel alive. Call me stupid, but I like being attached to him - painful at times, wonderful at other times. The wonderful outweighs the painful by far, so far, so I'll stick with it.

I'll just have to work on the fact that I let my feelings get in the way of pleasure. Of arousal, even. Enough of that.

HNT, June 2, 2011

This picture didn't come out as I intended it, and I'm well aware it's not what one would traditionally call a "good" photo. But I seem to remember a wise comment about the merit of not labeling things "good" and "bad", lol... Anyway, for some reason the image stuck with me, and I like it.

#145, June 1, afternoon

The logistics of daytime masturbation addiction are not easy to manage, at least not for someone like me, who works from home and has no supervisor to make sure I get the job done.

There's the morning masturbation. It's lovely, and feels especially luxurious. Kids off to school, me back to bed. The risk is that it sets the mood for the day, and nothing gets done. At least nothing that pays. In money.

There's the mid-day masturbation. In the best case scenario, it's a refreshing break that allows me to go back to work a half hour or so later, filled with new energy. But there's always the temptation to stay on the bed, come down, relax... perhaps talk a little... and before I know it, I'm on round two, and I never seem to get back to work before I have to call it a day.

Then there's the late afternoon masturbation. From a work perspective, this is by far the best. If I give myself 20 minutes, I can usually just about finish in time to make sure my hair, clothes and breathing are reasonably in order before I have to pick up the kids, or before they invade the house. A bonus is the secret smile and the ability to meet any little annoyance with a splendid mood. The downside is that I sometimes start so late that I don't get to finish, or family comes home early for some reason. On such days, my frustration is horrible, as is my mood.

Today I had one of the mid-day sessions which stretched long into the afternoon, and one of the successful five-minute quickies, just before I heard the bikes pull up out front.

I didn't get much done, admittedly. But I had a good day.

#144, June 1, mid-day

I've found such a very delightful new desire. With S, of course. Can't get enough.

I waited for him today... I was horny, but he was nowhere to be seen. Sometimes I like some alone play, but today I really felt like sharing it with him, especially since I was fantasizing about this specific kink, which to me is a little scary still, so I need him around for reassurance.

When I felt I couldn't take it any more I went ahead without him. I started reading a very arousing and befitting story, but after reading about half and just after I fired up my vibrator, there he was. Telepathy? Coincidence?

It was so much better with him than without him. I told him what happened in the story as I read along, and he commented, and we made a few little excursions into fantasies of our own. I was on the verge of coming the entire time, so when I got to the end of the story I exploded.

Out of all orgasms, I think those are the ones I like best - the ones that I finally allow myself, after a long time on the edge.

#143, May 31, night

Over the last few days, worries have effectively blocked my lust.

I had a conversation with S a few nights ago, which ended badly. I shared something painful with him, that had nothing to do with sex, something personal. As it turned out the topic was even more complicated to him, and it made him so sad that he ended up logging off. He didn't talk for a couple of days.

There is an incredible intimacy between us, but it's restricted to erotic fantasies only, and I can't really make up my mind how I feel about that. As far as erotic explorations go, we're constantly moving forward, both of us open, curious, discovering new things. Perhaps a certain degree of emotional distance is a prerequisite? Because emotionally, we stay within very strict limits, that even seem to get narrower as we move along. I'm not entirely happy with that.

Oh well. He came online this morning, and he very obviously didn't want to talk about what happened Saturday, or why. So we happily moved on to a fantasy that had me wet and comfortably aroused a fair portion of the day. And tonight we shared a delicious, detailed fantasy, over which we both came.

I'm very glad he's back, but his lack of response to my worries has had me thinking.

Toys, part 2

Before I had any toys at all, an orgasm was an achievement. It was a challenge. It was hard work. It took tremendous arousal, and often quite some time. I would masturbate, but I would never be sure to climax.

With my new vibrator it was so easy. I just touched it to my clit and daydreamed a little, and boom. Not only was it speedy and foolproof, it was often much more intense as well.

Wonderful, yes... but somehow, I almost felt a little guilty - as if I hadn't earned all that pleasure. It's a bit like that silly talk amongst women who have given birth - a natural birth is just a tad more prestigious than a c-section. Like taking the funicular to the summit, as opposed to climbing. In short: cheating.

Also - the more I used the vibe, the harder it became to get off with fingers only. And, frankly, the harder it became to orgasm from sex with my husband.

I still struggle with my feelings about it a little. Every now and then I'll consider going off the vibe for a while, to perhaps find my way back to the natural climax.

But, I have to admit, the pros outweigh the cons by about 200 to 1.

#142, May 27, afternoon

I must be ovulating. I have short cycles so I do that a lot. And when I do, I go into a frenzy. Just so you know, it's not my fault ;-)

During a... hm... coffee break, I happened to stumble on Kieras blog. She shared this link.

I've seen him before, but not her. It's a bit violent, so be warned... I carefully chose a toy from my secret drawer and had a quick but very satisfying afternoon release.

#141, May 27, mid-day

It's amazing how I can tell him everything. Everything. Things I've never told anyone before, and things I will possibly (probably) never tell anyone else about in times to come.

But it doesn't matter... they're out there now, in the open, spoken, told... thanks to him.

Today I felt I had to explain to him that I'm a normal person. I work, I take care of the kids, I cook, I do gardening. He knows that of course, not that we talk a lot about it but after over a year of intense, mostly daily, conversations, we've done a fair amount of "non erotic" chit chat as well and know each other well.

I still needed to tell him. He sees a lot more of my other side, my hidden side. My taboo side. The side that harbours fantasies that will always remain fantasies. I don't want them to ever come true and he knows that. He's the one who has made me feel (more or less) comfortable about them. I've come to understand that they harm no one, they only provide tremendous amounts of pleasure.

But it's not mainly about taboo, unmentionable fantasies anyway. The opening up is the key thing. The letting go, the sense of being who I am, standing up for myself, admitting and accepting my inner self, whatever it consists of. There are good things in there, as well as bad, but there's nothing to be afraid of. It's only a matter of handling it right, to my advantage, while making sure it's to no one's disadvantage.

My new insights are affecting not only my erotic life, but also other aspects of my personality. I can tell the difference now - focusing on myself doesn't mean I stop being responsible to others. Caring for others doesn't mean I have to stop caring for myself.

I know... I'm coming down from an amazing phone sex orgasm as I write this and I have tons of work waiting for me, so I have neither the focus nor the time to explain it better. But in my mind it's all connected, and I feel I'm growing.

Apart from this way too long rambling (but this blog is mainly for me, after all), I can only add that I loved letting him hear me, and I loved hearing him come a little bit later. Mmm.

Toys, part 1

I'm not going to elaborate on why I had never tried it before, or why I didn't want to involve my husband - I'll just tell you that I bought my first sex toy one and a half years ago.

I'll always remember it. I sneaked into the toy store while my husband was a couple of stores away, buying shoes. I remember my panic at the counter, as the shop attendant very slowly and absentmindedly took the vibrator out of its package, inserted batteries and asked me to test it on my hand, to prove that it worked, to avoid claims of defective products later. I was embarrassed, and stressed, and sweating, anxiously looking over her shoulder to see if my husband was watching me from somewhere.

When the ordeal was finally over and the purchase paid for and wrapped, I realized that the parcel wouldn't fit in my purse. With mild violence it did, just in time before I met up with my husband, pretending I had been looking at dresses on sale.

We were away visiting relatives, staying for a few nights, so I had no privacy. I blushed whenever I thought of the toy, and I literally couldn't wait to try it out - I had planned on waiting until we got home, but I ended up trying it in the laundry room at my parents-in-laws, pulling down my tights and panties, with my dress still covering me more or less should anyone walk in.

I turned it on and pressed it against my clit, just for a few seconds... god, I will never forget those seconds. Right then and there I knew a new life had begun.

#140, May 26, afternoon

I waited forever for S to come online last night, but he never showed. (I learned today he was unwell and asleep.)

So this afternoon, after having spent too much time daydreaming when I should have been working, I finally had to give in to a quickie. To stay sane, to be able to focus on work.

The only downside is the slight drowsiness that follows... time for coffee, I think.

HNT, May 26, 2011

The power of thoughts... in the bath

*click*

#139, May 24, afternoon

I chatted with S now and then today, and got all wet from the things we discussed, plans we (almost) made, fantasies and ideas we shared, or at least implied.

And then he had to work for a while, and honestly so did I, but I didn't... instead I lay down with my vibrator and thought of a woman.

I sort of flirt with her, not that I know if she's noticed (I've never been good at flirting). I know she's married, but... well, so am I. Who knows. I can't stop thinking about her. She has a lovely smile, greying hair, beautiful eyes and a posture and a body that simply makes me want to undress her, touch her, kiss her.

I came thinking of her. I feel a little bit unfaithful.

I'm confused.

#138, May 23, mid-day

Finally - phone sex! It's been forever, so when S told me he was alone at home and had the possibility to call I quickly rearranged some meetings and work things, got my phone and my laptop and my vibrator, undressed and lay down on the bed.

I wanted him to watch a video with me... I really wasn't sure how he'd react, since it's a very special video, but I've come to it many times and I've been wanting to show him for some time. So I did, and he reacted very well to it ;-)

Hearing his voice telling me what he imagined doing with me, while watching the video, was so so intense. Hearing his cries as he came later - also intense.

I know I should feel guilty, but I don't. I just feel lucky.

#137, May 22, night

As usual after a couple of days without S, and without coming, I was having withdrawal symptoms. I loved seeing him online, and I was completely wet even from just chatting a little about our respective weekends.

I loved the direction our conversation took after that. I was really hoping that we could come together, and I thought we would, but when he had to leave after about an hour the possibility of simply going to sleep didn't even occur to me. I watched a clip and came quickly and quietly, imagining his fingers.

Also, I did some flirting this weekend. Enjoyed it a lot.

Now - the wonderful, relaxed sleep that only a complete release can bring on.

#136, May 20, late night

Telling your lover about your arousal for another is very hot, but also sort of risky.
.
I love that S finds it arousing to hear about my fantasies of her. I even love sensing his jealousy - but I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I think I went too far tonight, and I especially don't think I should have told him about mixing fantasies of her with fantasies of him. On the other hand I want to tell him everything...

I just don't want him to feel that I want him any less because of her. He may be online only, while she's in my so called real life - but she's my lover in fantasy only, while he's my lover for real.

When I sensed that he backed off a little, not really wanting to be a part of my fantasy of her and him, I felt awful. I was surprised by my strong reaction. I went from almost coming to not aroused at all in seconds, and from eyes semi-closed, lost in pleasure, to eyes full of tears in the same amount of time.

I apologized, and he said it was fine, but we we didn't even try to get back to playing after that. It was really late anyway, so we said goodnight. He assured me he wasn't upset, but with me, there's always that little grain of worry left.

However - I had been away for a couple of days, without much chance of talking with S and without any chance at all of masturbating. And that immense arousal... once it's planted there, it never really goes away, it just goes into hiding. It still needs to be released. Add to that the anxiety of perhaps having said something wrong.. and there you go; I had to make myself come.

It was obvious that I needed it, but I have very mixed feelings about this climax. It shouldn't have happened this way.

HNT, May 19, 2011

I'm writing this in an agitated state... in bed, in the dark, while chatting with S. I just sent him some pictures I took earlier today, in the shower. They're soapy, slippery, shiny, wet... and we're weaving a fantasy around them that makes me want to... well... get on a plane...

But those photos are for his eyes only, and I love that they are. You, however, will have to settle for a hint.