I’m the first to admit that I’m betraying the trust of my husband.
He vaguely knows that I masturbate when he’s not around, but he has no idea that I’ve been talking with an online lover on a daily basis for almost two years now, and that I climax with said lover several times a week, and with myself most every day. I might add that I never - yes, I mean never - climax with my husband. (He knows that of course; I’m not faking.)
Nor does he know that I have a gentle crush on a woman both he and I are acquainted with, or that I once in my youth had a major crush on a female colleague. He simply doesn’t know anything of my curiosity towards women.
And he has no clue as to just how kinky I am when it comes to erotic desires. He doesn’t know that I’ve been through a sexual awakening of sorts over the last couple of years, or that I watch porn, or that I’ve written an erotic novella that I’ve shown to no-one.
In the beginning I felt guilty about it all. But... how do I explain this. He and I have a beautiful relationship; not erotically, but we’ve always been supportive of one another, and generous, and loving. He can’t care for my needs sexually, but he is my best friend, my partner, my companion, and, not least importantly, a wonderful father to our children.
What right do I have to ruin that? I know that trust would be hard to rebuild if I told him all my secrets - but that’s because he’s stuck in the monogamous world, whereas I’m realizing that one person will never satisfy all my needs in life. How could I expect him to NOT think that I’m looking to get out? And even if he became aware I wasn’t leaving now, how could he ever stop wondering not if, but when it will happen?
I might be able to convince him otherwise, but then again, I might not.
And if I couldn’t... I’d be forcing upon him, myself and my children a breakup and a separation, which I find is completely unnecessary.
Of course I’d love to be able to be completely open with him... but as I said, there’s no way of knowing that would be the outcome. It’s too big a risk to take. I wouldn’t be taking it for him, but for me. It wouldn’t be fair. I’m the one who’s in need of change - he obviously isn’t. I’m the one who needs to be open; he’s probably better off not knowing.
So I’ve quietly made the changes I needed to make, catering to my new needs, while not forcing him to join me. I don’t think I’m being selfish - quite the contrary.
And no, I don’t feel guilty. At all.
Do you?
It sounds to me like you have the correct solution. I am sure your husband would not want to know your "secrets" and I am convinced he is, indeed, better off not knowing them. Continue as you have been, and your (and his) world will remain in a better place.
ReplyDeleteMike
It's definitely a solution that works in your case. You are happy with him in your life which is a giant bonus. I don't believe you have any reason to feel guilty, but then again I'm not the one to speak because I rarely feel guilty about anything related to my home relationship.
ReplyDeleteThe guilt I feel is when I betray someone else's trust like Rob or co-worker. An example would be that I feel guilty talking about Co-worker around Rob. Don't ask me how that works, because it should be the opposite.Technically speaking (in society's eyes) we should be keeping our closest loved ones out of harm's way but in the end those are the people we find it easier to betray and we do it guilt free.
To be completely honest I was pretty dead set in not cheating on bf for about the first 4 years of our relationship. I couldn't fathom thinking about anyone else. Oh... how things have changed....
Mike: Yes, I will :-)
ReplyDeleteCande: I never even looked at others the first 12 or so years of my marriage... really, I didn't. I never, ever thought "wow, there's an attractive man", or "I wonder what it would be like to... ". I find it hard to believe now, but it's true. And as for discussing objects of desire with your lover... I know what you mean. I feel guilty too sometimes in those situations - but I simply love the fact that I can be that open with S.
This entire post is all too familiar to me. You're doing the right thing.
ReplyDeleteAnd no, I don't feel guilty either.
I long for my wife to have the same wishes and desires. I'm much more open when it comes to sexuality than she is and it forces me to hide. I feel no guilt for taking care of my needs. Just regret that they aren't shared by my best friend.
ReplyDeleteJim - if you're coming back to read this, welcome to the blog! It hasn't been updated in ages, but there's a new blog if you're interested: disentanglingjohanna.wordpress.com. Feel free to stop by.
ReplyDelete