Sometimes I regret having shared this blog with S. I need to vent things that he might be better off not hearing... but I have nowhere, absolutely nowhere, else to vent them, so I'll just go ahead.
We had phone sex today. It was very unexpected, and the timing (for me) was perfect, since I had already started when he came online, and when he offered to call I couldn't think of anything I wanted more.
And it was good, and hot, and he made me come hard... I also enjoyed just talking with him, hearing his voice... I love sensing the flesh and blood of him. It's a sensation that gets harder to grasp with time when we only communicate through written words.
But here's the thing: He didn't come. And I frankly can't remember when was the last time I made him climax. And I wish he wouldn't read this... he already knows I feel selfish, but I'd rather he didn't know that I question this whole relationship, that I question my own role in it, wondering why I can't seem to give back to him what he gives to me. Perhaps I've gotten more focused on myself, perhaps the novelty has simply worn off, perhaps he needs something else, or something new.
I'm not reinventing myself anymore... I think that's what it's about. I've explored countless kinks and desires with S, more than I thought was possible, and sexually I'm a different person today than I was when I met him. But I'm not sure what direction I could possibly move in, that I haven't already explored. I feel lucky to have made it this far, and I think I'm happy staying in this place. I've come to a place where I feel I have a deep enough well of erotic fantasies to dig from, and a wonderful lover to share them with. I feel safe, happy, comfortable. S is a positive, just by being him, whether he provides me with new thoughts or not.
I'm not sure he's as easily satisfied.
He's not the kind of person who's happy staying. He will never cease to explore, further and further... maybe he needs to do that with someone else? It's a frightening thought, but it's maturing, growing, making itself comfortable within me. I'm just waiting for him to realize.
It's an agonizing wait... and at the same time so enjoyable.
So very enjoyable.
Hmmm men are funny with orgasms I find. Rob is like that too sometimes. Sometimes he just doesn't want to cum... I think for Rob it has something to do with just wanting to give, and feeling a sense of power when you give someone something that strong. He doesn't feel comfortable having his own orgasm after that. But sometimes I convince him.
ReplyDeleteI can't say it's the same with S but I can say that I often complain to Rob about feeling selfish and I don't understand what he gets out of our "relationship".
I think we need to keep in mind that men don't just get off on the sexual side of things. They get off on the ego boost and the power trip (so to speak) too, the emotional attachment, and the excitement of having an online relationship. I honestly don't think the novelty has worn off for him. I'm sure he'll tell you that himself though.
I do admit though that I am slightly relieved that Rob has stopped reading the blog. It makes me more comfortable writing what I want and how I feel. Not only about him but about Co-worker too. I didn't want Rob feeling jealous....
Interesting post. And I think Cande makes some valid, insightful points. But somehow I think the "truth" is a blend of the two thoughts. We're in a gray zone here, perhaps shifting along a line of shadowy reactions to stimulus ... S's response can be edged either way depending on provocation, mood, and circumstance.
ReplyDeleteMike
Cande - you're right, why would it be only about the climax for him...? It certainly isn't for me. I suppose it's the one parameter that's easy to measure, in this online world where so little is easily defined and catalogued.
ReplyDeleteMike - It's definitely true that responses vary with mood and circumstances... I have entire days when I'm more or less unable to think even one erotic thought, which in the past has been confusing to S, to put it mildly. Which doesn't stop me from sensing an overall change... but it could be about so many things, for example a bond with more depth, and less focus on orgasms. Or something else...