#53, February 28, mid-day

I've been looking for the perfect clip, regarding a specific fantasy I have. Of course, I've been unable to find it.

Instead, I sent a message to S, hoping he'd be able to talk. He actually replied, but after telling him this and that for a while I realized he was gone. Oh well, I suppose I have to accept that some people actually have work to do :)

I settled for a delicious alone moment, and delicious it was. Both J and S were in the fantasy... she was kissing him intensely while I was pleasuring him, and I could tell by his muffled moans into her mouth that he was getting close.

I was so turned on by my fantasy that I allowed myself to stay on the edge for a couple of minutes, teasing, not quite giving myself what I needed... Mmm, I love it. A lot of times I'm reluctant to do that, for fear of letting the moment slip altogether. But there was no risk this time... felt like I had a series of small orgasms, hitting me with such intense pleasure, again and again and again. When I finally did come, it was massive.

So here I am... so utterly relaxed, wishing I didn't have to get back to work, and wishing there was a warm body next to mine right now...

Honesty

For very different reasons, both S and J know about this blog. I assume both are reading it. J has known for a while, but I just told S the other day.

In a way, it's complicated. I try not to let it affect the way I express myself, but I have to admit it has made me ask myself why I keep this blog, and whom I'm writing for.

I like to believe it's for me, to keep track of what's happening, to see myself in a slightly different light. I've been so vanilla for so many years, and I've been so uninterested in sex, and I've been so... un-flirtatious. That's all changing now, but it has been hard for me to see it. So that's one reason. Plus, I suppose I'm a bit of an exhibitionist ;-)

With my two special readers, if they are indeed reading, there's a new aspect - honesty. Actually, that's what I have loved most about my rather new, online life. I so much enjoy that I can talk openly about things that have always been hidden in my real life. At the same time, I'm so scared of hurting someone.

But honestly - aren't doubts and interpretations the worst enemies of any relationship? In my ideal world, a lover will tell all, regardless of what the other wants to know or hear. I'd rather be hurt once than wondering ten times if there's any reason for me to feel hurt, without ever knowing.

So while I do worry that my entries on here will be upsetting to someone, I can only try to behave decently. If I fail to do so, not telling about it isn't really going to help in the long run anyway, is it?

Oh, and of course, this only applies to my new, secret life. My old, regular life with my husband is completely separate, and still abides by the rule "do whatever you feel like, but if it's potentially hurtful - shut up about it, or lie". From my experience, a couple will be fine until one person in that couple changes, or develops new interests - which is bound to happen, in any longterm relationship. If the initial signals of that change aren't received well by the partner, the easy way out is to keep pursuing the changes or new interests, but not talk about them. After a while, both will lead separate lives, though under the same roof. Perhaps not a bad life, but not the ideal life, either.

I suppose this is my way of learning from my mistakes.

#52, February 27, night

Today, I started daydreaming before I was even fully awake. I could hear the sounds of  family waking up all around me, but I stayed in bed, envisioning the taboo fantasy S and I had shared before. I even started masturbating, but was interrupted.

Later I went with husband and kids to a waterpark, where I happened to stand in line for a waterslide just behind a woman with a nice big butt and a very worn bathing suit. I'm sure she wasn't aware, but the material had gotten so thin down the middle of her back that I could make out the crack of her ass cheeks through it. It really got my mind wandering.

In the afternoon everyone in the family was at home, relaxing, each busy with their own. I started thinking of a very enticing conversation I had with J the other night. She's had some experiences that have me very curious (and envious!), and that night, she told me the start of one of them, in detail. So this afternoon, I sat in an armchair, fantasizing about what might have happened after the events she told me about... I got really, really aroused, but I couldn't go hide somewhere, so I just wrote down my fantasy and emailed it to J.

I was desperate for a release... god, weekends can be so very frustrating! I even brought my mini vibe with me in the car when I went shopping for groceries in the evening, but I never found time to use it.

After going to bed I read some very inspiring and erotic blog entries before signing in to the messenger, where I found S online. He couldn't talk long, but needless to say, after he had said goodnight I simply had to make myself come. Finally!

Sometimes it's so surprising what I finally end up watching or thinking or reading when I come. Tonight it was none of the things I had imagined or talked about during the day. So there's another daydream to add to today's list... not bad for a family Sunday.

#51, February 26, night

We lay in bed together. He in his country, I in mine.

We talked. We never talk on phone when either his partner or my husband are around, but the words we typed were as intimate as if we were whispering in each other's ears.

We made plans. Not for real events, but for events that will still make our bodies shiver, twitch, sweat; events that will make us moan out load with real pleasure. We lay out ground rules for being intimate with other people, both of us taking pleasure in being able to talk so openly about enjoying the company of others. Both excited by thoughts of the arousal of the other, with another.

The distinction between real and online is losing its meaning. My lover is a real person, an honest person, a person of flesh and blood, a person I know intimately, a person who makes me feel and do things. He's a part of my real life. Not my regular real life, but my secret real life.

The mood was so intimate, the air so filled with excitement. It was late, and I was going to sleep, but it took so little. I told him something, he made a comment... and suddenly we were weaving a scenario together, so taboo, so unthinkable, so arousing... We never told each other we had started to masturbate, but we both knew, and we both neared climax with such intensity, such heat. I knew he was about to come before he told me. I came shortly after.

After, we held each other, fell asleep together, hot and sweaty and messy.

He in his country, I in mine.

#50, February 25, mid-day

After a quiet day yesterday, I was very pleased to be talking with S again today. It was the slow kind of conversation, with time to work and think in between messages. With time to let arousal build, sometimes drop a little, then build again. A picture sent, a scenario evolving, changing, developing.

It turned into a transgender fantasy... those feel so forbidden to me, so exciting. Sharing them with someone else - even more so.

I felt so... unconstrained.

And frustrated, in the certainty that these fantasies will never, ever become true.

Liberated, in the sense that I've started to acknowledge desires that I have kept hidden, definitely from everyone else, but also from myself. Liberated also because I know now that everything is possible in fantasy - there are no implications, no consequenses, only pleasure.

Amazed, by having found a person who will assist and encourage even in the scenarios I thought I'd never tell anyone about, and that I imagine would be a turn-off for most men.

Ashamed... yes, some of these thoughts still make me feel guilty. They are so far from what I feel I'm expected to find arousing, though they've always been there. (The shame part is rapidly shrinking though, as I move along.)

Aroused, to the point of exploding in an intense cloud of pleasure.

#49, February 24, mid-day

Around the time I started talking with S, about a year ago, I changed the sound alert the messenger software makes when I receive a message; from the discreet "bop" to a louder whistling sound, so that I'd be able to hear it even if I was doing something away from the computer.

I keep a very short buddy list (right now three contacts), so most incoming messages will be from him.

In the past year, I've learned what that sound means. Like a horny version of one of Pavlov's dogs, the alert sound alone makes my clit start acting like a mini cock: It twitches, grows, hardens.

And though the brief message from S a while ago was not arousing or sexy at all (something about connection problems and work) I reacted the way I always react, hearing that sound, seeing his name, reading his words.

We couldn't talk, but I simply had to lie down for a while, with my vibe. Reading a hot story online isn't as good as talking, of course, but it was still good.

#48, February 23, afternoon

Finished watching the clip...

#47, February 23, morning

When I see surveys of people's sex habits, I'm always amazed at the number of people who state that they occasionally or regularly watch porn with their partner. I never have, and for me to do that with my husband would be a huge, almost unthinkable (and, honestly, undesireable) step.

I've only watched online, with myself - until today.

I was feeling horny, and S wasn't around, so I decided to watch the clip I was telling him about the other day. I had already come twice to that video, but still hadn't gotten through half, so I decided it was time to have another go at it.

Just as I had started watching, S came online. It turned out he was at home, so I sent him the link. Before I knew it, we were on the phone, watching it together, commenting it, both of us masturbating. So incredibly sexy.

About half way into the video, he came. God, I love listening to him! A couple of minutes later, I followed.

Still one third of the clip left unseen...

#46, February 22, night

Too tired to write much.

But it was intimate, close. I was in bed, with laptop on my stomach. Then I shifted position, and lay on my stomach instead... and when things heated up, I started humping the sheets, grinding myself against them...

A long time ago, that was always how I made myself come. Now I'm not used to it at all, but it makes me feel in control, active (almost a little male).

When I felt myself starting to come, I was so, so sensitive... I raised my hips, using only the slightest friction, less and less... and came, and collapsed, panting, spent...

#45, February 22, afternoon

I was on the phone with S... very tempted to call him the lover again now... but I'll try to be a little consistent, so S it is. There were some rather overwhelming events, and I think we both needed to hear each other's voices.

He couldn't talk very freely - he was at home, but the cleaning lady was just outside the door. We whispered a while, and I told him a secret that I actually never thougth I'd tell anyone, ever. I was so very, very aroused, but I knew he probably wouldn't be able to come, so I didn't really work hard on coming myself either. Then he told me he had to go, but that he might have a chance to call me back. At that point, I felt myself starting to store away the ongoing arousal in a little package, to bring it out later - but then, just before hanging up, he added something, that just made me almost come right there and then.

I wanted to save it for later - I really did. All the time while I was sliding down that slope that I knew would lead to me coming, I was trying desperately to hold back, but I simply couldn't.

I don't think he minded. I even think he wanted it, because he kept talking, though in a very low voice.

I came like a rocket, completely unstoppable.

#44, February 22, morning

It was unexpected, because I was really, really troubled by some things that are going on in my real life.

I just meant to say good morning to S, and to let him know I wouldn't be in the mood for anything. And then something he said just changed that mood, in a second.

It's been a while since I masturbated with a vegetable. God, it was good! I came so hard. He orchestrated the whole thing, and I told him exactly what went through my mind, even though I thought I couldn't, and wouldn't, due to the taboo nature of it.

In a way, I'm glad he was at work, so we couldn't talk on the phone. Phone is good, but it wouldn't have happened in this crazy, surprising and completely arousing way if we'd actually been talking, instead of typing.

#43, February 20, night

Just after I had my hurried climax, S came online - and of course I couldn't resist talking. I can already feel the addiction returning to me. What is it with him that makes me crave him, want him?

We talked for a while. He made me tell him about the clip I watched earlier, and I did. He has a way of making me want to tell him everything. Some of the things I told him about my thoughts when I watched that clip were deeply shocking even to me, and though they were my honest feelings, I hadn't been aware of them when I watched it just a few minutes earlier.

It evolved into a fantasy of him and me, a scenario that was sort of the essence of what had aroused me before. I was really, really turned on, but in the middle of things he had to leave.

I know he was on his phone, next to his sleeping wife, so there's nothing surprising about him being interrupted. But part of me still started wondering. It was wonderful talking with him, and he reaches inside me the way he always has, but I still feel very unsure of him.

That didn't stop me from going on without him after he left, and I ended up having another great orgasm shortly after. I love being back.

#42, February 20, night

I'm back home after a two week vacation which was intense, and wonderful, and exhausting. And now I'm back - to routine, work, alarm clocks, a freezing climate and loads of laundry.

And to online adventures.

Re-entering my online life after a break is always a little nervous. Will S still be there? Will it be the same? Has he moved on? Have I? He's addictive; a pause will partially rid me of the addiction, and when I emerge on the other side - do I still need him? Want him?

So far, the answer has always turned out to be yes. But this time, I feel more unsure than ever. Of my own feelings, and of his.

The fact that J is part of the scenario doesn't really effect the situation with S, but I don't feel like getting into that whole web of feelings and possibilities with her (or with her and him, whatever) before I know where I stand with S. It seems he and J haven't talked much, which surprises me - actually, it disappoints me if they haven't. But then again, I don't know that they haven't, I've just recieved hints. Perhaps they have. Or perhaps there's another player in the game? Or has he just been busy with ordinary, aka real, life?

I left him a rather long and descriptive offline message earlier, simply because I had an experience I enjoyed sharing with him, one that I thought he'd enjoy reading about. I was surprised when I didn't get a reply. I still haven't heard from him - either he hasn't read it yet, or his thoughts are occupied elsewhere. If it's the latter, perhaps I'll prefer to stay off the addiction for now.

All this doesn't change the fact that I'm back. Back with my fave vibe, with alone time, with ample opportunities to fantasize and play.

So tonight, my first night in a separate bedroom in a few weeks (I won't go into that right now, why my husband and I don't share a bed... maybe some other time), I decided to not bother with S or J just yet. Instead, I had plans to really indulge for a while - read a couple of good stories, watch a few clips, slowly get to the delicious point where I simply had to climax.

Turned out I was more desperate than I'd thought. Half a clip, say five minutes or so... and I just couldn't help myself. It felt amazingly good.

In many ways, I hate coming home after a long holiday. But some aspects of it, I love.

#41, February 18, late night

I don't remember if I wrote about my frustration with not finding my mini travel vibe before I left for vacation.

I looked everywhere, but couldn't find it. It's small enough that I can almost close my hand around the entire little inconspicuous purse that I keep it in.

Anyway, I couldn't find it anywhere, which was frustrating - and worrying, since I like to keep track of my secret toys. My husband doesn't know anything about them and I'd prefer to have it stay that way.

But then when we got to our destination and I started unpacking - there it was, right among my toilet things, probably left there since I was travelling the last time.

The first time I set out to use it, hidden under a blanket, my family asleep around me... was a huge disappointment: batteries were running low. I had to continue without it.

So the next day, my Quest for Batteries started. I'm in a country where I can't read  the letters and don't speak the language, and my husband and I roamed the stores of this little town together, never leaving each other's sides. And since this mini vibe is so small, it uses those small, flat, round batteries found in some cameras, that are not so easy to find.

Yesterday, nearing the end of this vacation, I finally managed to make up an excuse why I wanted to have a look in a particular store that I know my husband wasn't the least interested in. He told me he'd be going to another store ahead, and as soon as he was gone I showed one of the old batteries to the attendant and asked for three new ones. He didn't have them, but told me he'd get them for me, and left. I was a little nervous waiting, but by the time my husband came back I had three new batteries safely put away in a pocket.

I just used them, and it felt heavenly.

#40, February 16, late night

There were some unsettling events, which are beyond the scope of this blog. Everything ended well, but I found myself wide awake in the middle of the night, desperately needing to unwind, so I stepped into an erotic chat room. I started whispering with a guy, who with quite few questions circled in on a couple of themes that are very erotic to me. I ended up telling him about S, and even hinted at J.

In the middle of things someone else started talking with me in the chat; an old aquaintance, or actually friend, from when I first started chatting (which is not that long ago - fall of 2009). He and I had quite a few really hot conversations back then, but when I "met" S about a year ago I chose to stick with him, and cruelly downgraded everyone else I was talking with to "only" talking about experiences, thoughts, weather, whatever. I just couldn't bring myself to cyber with anyone but S (though I admit I've made a few exceptions, at times).

So there I was, very aroused from sharing erotic fantasies with a stranger, and very aroused by the erotic images that my old friend was serving me (and which I soon started participating in). I'll admit I didn't confess to chatting with both, to any of them... oh well. Worked well for me ;-)

Things progressed quickly, and I ended up giving both of them the address of this blog. The stranger read my morning fantasy, and asked if I was ok with him getting off over it. The thought aroused me, which I told him.

He immediately started writing me a sequel... which was really, really hot. I was interrupted briefly by real life events and had to say a hurried goodbye to both the stranger and the old friend, but after tending to it I actually came hard and fast to the stranger's follow-up fantasy.

What a world, the online one... strange, erotic and full of surprises.

If you're reading this, Mr Stranger: I'd love to post your contribution on here. Let me know if you'd be ok with it.

And Poet, if you're reading this: I hope you're not offended... you're used to me being a tease ;)

#39, February 16, mid-day

I wonder why I don't much care for sex with husband. Is it he who doesn't arouse me? Or is it that I ceased to be aroused by just a touch? He'll touch my clit, my breasts... push his hard cock against my ass... nothing wrong with that, but I need more. I need words, fantasies, images. I need teasing, playing... If my mind is aroused, my body will follow. But only body - no. Why? As I recall it, a touch in the right place used to arouse me when I was younger. Apparently, not anymore. Not with him, anyway.

Did I get old? Or did something change when I had kids? Or was it that I went through so many years with a dormant, almost non-existant lust? Did it permanently kill off the ability to be aroused by fingers, hands? Or have I just completely lost interest in my husband? Or is he plain boring, who keeps doing things the way he has been doing things for 15 years?

There was a time, a couple of years ago, when I started to find my way back to my own lust, after all those dry years. I found new inspiration online - I didn't tell my husband where it came from of course, but I did try to introduce some new elements to our sex life. He was definitely pleased (and very surprised!), but he didn't change a thing of his own. I should probably have told him to. But it's the same old dilemma as always: I need him to sense my needs, more than I need him to satisfy my needs. He did neither, so I directed my new-found creativity elsewhere.

We had sex this morning. By necessity a quickie (kids awake and only momentarily distracted in front of the tv, and no doors to close, but more or less out of sight behind a corner of the hotel room), and as such, not bad. But... later, a while ago, I sneaked a half hour of my own... and it was so, so, so much better.

Why struggle to improve our routine sex life, when I can have half hours like this? A wonderful buildup, pausing from thoughts of S and J, just building a dream scenario of my own... teased and tormented and pleasured and kept at the edge and made to beg... and then that sweet release that comes from knowing that no matter what I do I will come. My legs shaking, my stomach contracting, muscles deep inside my body spasming, my clit like a conductor, playing all those instruments in the exact right order, until I was panting on the hotel room bed, my back arched, my fingers tired, my eyes closed, my mouth open.

I'm spent, satisfied and completely relaxed. Finally. Seems like forever ago.

#38, February 13, night

I honestly don't know whether I should call him the lover any more. He's more of an "on hold" lover than an online lover for the time being. I have no idea where we're at right now. I think I'll just call him S from now on.

S and I have talked a couple of nights, but he has left suddenly and rather quickly. It could be a coincidence of course (spouses can be major disturbances). Perhaps I'm just really unfocused right now - I'm still on vacation, a lot is going on in my "real life", and my mind is elsewhere. Trying to find time to talk with S and J is more frustrating than pleasurable to me at the moment, so I've decided to take a little break. Again.

Anyway - I've had a very interesting email exchange with S and J the past couple of days. It's a chain fantasy, which we're building together. I got J:s latest contribution earlier today, and it had me drooling. It's a pity I have to opt out of it now, but I think it's for the best. There will be other opportunities.

Sadly, my brooding state of mind made it impossible for me to masturbate over that fantasy. When my husband had fallen asleep I fantasized about something else instead, which turned into quite an outrageous fantasy as I neared orgasm, which sent me quickly and safely over the edge. It still wasn't great, but very much needed.

Morning fantasy

Family is waking up around me, but I still haven't heard any demands on me :-). So since I can't do anything more interesting, but still have some time to spare, I'll share the fantasy that got me hot and wet a little while ago, as I was waking up.

I was in bed, on my stomach, hands over my head. This was my actual position in bed, as I was waking up and started fantasizing - but then I imagined being told to lie like that, by the lover and J, who were next to me on the bed. I even imagined being blindfolded, told to lie absolutely still. I was listening to the sounds of their tongues, mouths... kissing, licking each other.... the soft sound of skin against skin, of bodies turning and stirring in pleasure... sighs, moans... the dry sounds of hands on bodies... the wet sounds of sex... whispered words of desire. I was growing wetter and wetter, my sex on fire... I was never touched, and unable to touch myself, and each time I squirmed on the bed, trying to grind myself against the sheets, I was told to lie completely still (there might have been mentions of rewards and punishments as well, but I'm not going to tell you about those.)

It was probably all very symbolic - the feeling of being included and left out at the same time, with regards to the lover and J; the intense frustration of being so incredibly aroused, but not being able to reach a climax, with regards to my present situation.

All the same, it was hot. If the aforementioned wakening of the family hadn't started, I think I would have come.

Arousal

Still on vacation. Virtually no alone time - no time to chat online, no time to touch myself. One climax in one week. What a disaster.

But occasionally, I do have time to fantasize. As frustrating as it is to get really, really aroused and wet, without being able to get release, it's also very, very hot. For obvious reasons, these days I have many fantasies of being controlled, teased, denied... which is actually delicious.

Things have gotten a little complicated with the lover and J. It's unclear whether she'll keep talking (and with whom). It's also unclear how much contact the lover wants right now. It's even unclear how much contact I want. It's confusing, and has been a little dampening on my level of arousal. But I have good feelings about things, and good hopes of more arousal to come.

#37, February 8, early morning

Finally.

I'll admit it wasn't very powerful, perhaps not even very good.

The thing is that during our vacation, the kids sleep right here in the same room. Now, I know that in the early morning, not even an earthquake topped with the sounds of the ice cream truck will wake them, which is why my husband and I can have sex pretty freely. But for some reason, I just haven't been able to bring myself to masturbating.

But yesterday, in the afternoon, I managed to sneak an hour online with the lover. The rest of the family was right there - husband busy watching a film on the iPod, kids busy watching a children's film on tv, by which they were completely captivated, even though they didn't understand a word. So the lover and I could talk (that is: type), and I was amazed at the powerful arousal that just grabbed me and wouldn't let go, more or less from the moment he said hello. The fact that I couldn't touch myself, at all, only made it stronger, until it was actually soaking my bathing suit, which I was still wearing after a lazy day by the pool.

The memory of that conversation wouldn't leave me. The image of him, me, J.... mmm. (The idea was to let each of us take turns to tell the other two exactly what to do, either separately, but in front of each other, or together.) The daydreams  were momentarily pushed aside during dinner and other little things that happened, but kept coming back. They were there as I fell asleep, and when I woke at dawn.

And that's when I couldn't stand it any longer. I was nervous the entire time, and very careful not to make noises, and trying hard not to move my hand too quickly under the blanket.

A shaky first, definitely. But it holds promise of more to come.

Still no number

Still on vacation. I get tempting little offline messages from the lover and J. It's lovely, and it's frustrating.

I'll be away for a couple of weeks, with very few possibilities to play, with others or with myself. So, reading their messages, I get jealous. I imagine the two of them talking, playing... while I'm stuck in family-land, with no alone time.

But they make me wet and aching as I lie in my bed at night, drifting off to sleep, while thinking pleasurable thoughts.

Yes, there's a fair amount of vacation sex going on. Actual sex, with husband. But I never climax with him, that's the sad truth. This morning, he was unusually hard and eager. As I felt his hard cock press against my ass, I imagined the lover. Terrible, I know. But also kind of hot.

No number :(

I'm travelling with family. I love travelling, and I love my family, but they don't blend well with online or alone fun.

Also, I couldn't find my mini travel vibe when I was packing.

This will be a couple of frustrating weeks... but who knows, maybe I'll learn new, super-efficient, super-quiet and super-quick ways to make myself come... :-)

Had a very exciting chat with the lover and... ok, let's call her J... last night. The lover in one messenger window, J in another, fantasies and enticing scenes effortlessly travelling back and forth between our three respective countries.... We couldn't quite bring ourselves to make it a conference chat with the three of us, but it's definitely the closest we've been. I think we'll get there, and I'm very excited about it.

#36, February 3, early afternoon

Some days... I'm just so horny. I stumbled on a youtube video displaying a slideshow of 60's garage girl bands. For some reason, and to my big surprise, I was incredibly turned on by it... and simply had to take a break and go lie down. Looked for the lover - not online. Logged into a chat, started talking, but it didn't work out.

I couldn't spend all day on this (I'm really, really busy with work) so I looked up a delicious porn clip with two girls, and came quickly and quietly.

Back to work.

#35, February 2, afternoon

So much for my yahoo break. I couldn't resist checking in, and not only was the lover online, he had also left me a message saying that he was at home.

Turn down some delicious afternoon phone sex? Definitely not.

#34, February 2, mid-day

I talked a little with her yesterday evening (what do I call her? Our new friend? My lover's new lover? Not sure.) I like her, I like getting to know her. But something I've noticed when talking with women, is that there are so many things that need to be said before you can start actually... well, playing. Background, family, marriages, divorces... all very interesting, but sometimes I'd like to skip that part and just get to the point. I'll have to work on getting better at that. Also, I do think she's more interested in the lover, so I don't want to push her.

The lover and I talked a few times yesterday. I think we were both trying to find our way back, get back on track. It felt good. Had a long conversation at night, which he left at a crucial point. I continued on my own, but parts of the family woke up, so I couldn't finish. Frustrating.

All that's been happening has got my mind wandering, to possibilities... I've still never been with a woman, but it's a wonderful thing to dream about. Yesterday I had an hour to spare, so I went into a chat room and started talking with someone. Same story - we talked about relationships and fears and never got to the juicy parts... but she flirted, I flirted, I was aroused, and I think she was too. I don't think we'll talk again. But I enjoyed it a lot, and I think I'm getting a little bolder.

Right now I don't feel like risking being subjected to more turbulence, so I'm trying to take a brief yahoo break. Maybe I'm trying to get a little less addicted to the lover as well, in case he's about to move on - I get that feeling sometimes. It's difficult not checking into the messenger, but I'm working on it :-).

Instead I had some lovely alone play, that left me trembling and shaking... I don't really feel comfortable writing about it here. (I wonder why not? I've actually been thinking about being a little braver, sharing my fantasies and daydreams... but I'll have to think about it some more.)

So: I'm all relaxed now, and feeling pretty good about things.

#33, February 1, morning

I'm caught in a triangle drama. It's upsetting, but very interesting. Exciting. Draining. Trying my best to keep cool.

Last night the lover and I talked about her. I told him about not being entirely comfortable with the whole thing, and even told him I was scared of losing him. We've been very honest about our fantasies and desires, but not so much about the so called relationship, so telling him was a big step for me. He didn't exactly respond the way I wanted, or needed. I tried telling him that I'm excited about bringing her into the equation, but I'll need for him to reassure me, to tell me that he stills cares about me. I probably wasn't clear enough - he wouldn't even agree that he and I are in any kind of relationship, only that he "wants to explore with me", which is fine of course, but in this context it's simply not enough.

Anyway, she came online, and she and I ended up talking for a while. She was intriguing, made me curious. She actually surprised me a few times during our short conversation. I liked her, and started dreaming of playing with her... After we said goodnight, the lover and I went on talking for a while. I was very, very aroused suddenly, but he had to leave. Fell asleep feeling excited.

This morning, the lover and I talked some more. I admitted to being jealous, and he actually admitted to being a little jealous of her and me, which made me feel good, for some reason. Then he had to leave for a while, and when he came back he asked if he could call me. He could, of course.

When he calls, we always have phone sex - we never just talk. But this time he called to tell me that she had messaged her phone number, and asked him to call her, and he just got off the phone with her before calling me. She had told him something about going away, not being able to chat for a week or so. Now, for me, phone is a big step, but I realize it might not be for her. He claimed nothing sexual went down. We ended up having phone sex after that, imagining playing with her... I was aroused, but not to the point where I could come. He did though, and I loved hearing him, as always.

After, I had to continue on my own, and came watching a clip of a hot brunette, fucked by a man, guided by a woman... The lover came back online, and I told him. After which he immediately told me that she was messaging him right now, trying to make herself come - thinking about me.

There are so many things about this. First - as a courtesy, I don't think he should be talking to two persons simultaneously, at least not when he's having a very erotic conversation with at least one of them. I felt genuinely bad for her. Second - I'm a little odd, but after climaxing, I get cuddly and talkative and not the least interested in sex, and he definitely knows that by now. The last thing I want to hear is how close another woman he's talking to is to coming. Third - if he's going to talk about his erotic interactions with her, I'm still going to need reassurances, is that really a lot to ask...? Fourth - I don't believe he was telling the truth when he said she was thinking of me. She had asked him to call her, she was messaging him. To me, she didn't even show up as online.

I told him to focus on her, which seemed to offend him. I said a rather curt goodbye and logged out.

I'm intrigued, sad, thrilled, excited and scared. At least I'm not bored :-)