Nope, that didn't quite work out as planned. Well not as I had planned, anyway.
S was not around, and as it got late and I realized he probably wouldn't come online, I have to admit the play lost some of its allure. I had so hoped to get to talk with him tonight.
I even had flashes of the old familiar doubts, which didn't exactly do wonders for my libido.
I did have an okay time, and I did come, but it wasn't great and I sort of wish I had waited for another day or so. But then again, I know that life won't offer much in terms of opportunities to talk over the next few days, or even much privacy, so I figured I'd better make the most of it. It relieved some of the tension... but it wasn't what I had hoped for.
Am I getting too dependant of him again...? Ah, whenever I start feeling confident and safe something seems to happen to take those feelings away. Oh well. The rollercoasters. I love the real life kind, and I suppose I love the mental kind as well... I don't love riding them exactly, but having them in my emotional life, as opposed to not having them... yes. Yes. Not entirely pleasant, but a key ingredient to feeling alive.
You do come across stronger, hoping you can get your mojo back and S can come and go as he pleases
ReplyDeleteI say get what you can when you can. Sometimes thins don't work out the way we plan and we miss out.
ReplyDeleteThat's a frustrating feeling I've had before... and recently too. But when I notice that he's late I start on my own. If I get myself off before he makes the appointment and then shows up I can always get myself back on track for him... it doesn't take much. But if he doesn't show at least I've had my fantasy... I've started to learn recently that it's not worth waiting EVERY time.... I'm starting to get tired of waiting.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting, everyone... Cande, we don't make appointments, which makes it tricky. There's no telling when he's "late". And I'm usually online quite a while before he gets there (if he gets there at all, that is), and we're talking nights here, so if I make myself come I get so incredibly relaxed and just want to go to sleep, and then we'd never get to talk... oh well. I suppose I'll have to get better at listening to myself, to find out which need is strongest - getting a release or talking with him.
ReplyDeletehmmm that does make things complicated....
ReplyDelete