Much like any animal, a person will learn from actual results following an action, rather than reasoning and logic.
Action: I bring up an idea (something I want to try, or do) with my husband.
Result: He says "sure, we'll do that sometime", and then never brings it up again.
What did I learn? That there's no point in telling him what I want.
End result: Lack of communication. Unhappy wife, with doubts as to how long I will be able to stand not having my needs and wishes met. Unhappy husband, who has no idea why his wife isn't ever happy about things.
Now I realize the above strategy probably failed because I wasn't clear enough. He might have responded differently had I told him, for example, that I wanted him to tie me up and tease me for five hours straight without letting me climax, while I sucked him and let him come in my throat, or indeed anywhere he wished, as many times as he wished.
True, I didn't put it quite that way to him. But in my mind, it feels as if I tried all sorts of ways to bring up ideas with my husband, both with regards to sex and with regards to other things. Nothing ever happened.
Action: I went online.
Result: I found what I was looking for, and more: Satisfaction, passion, interaction, arousal, intimacy, immediate response to any idea I felt like broaching, and an endless source of breathtaking exploration.
What did I learn? That if I want something, I have to get it for myself. That if I really decide to go get it, I really can have it.
This may seem like a hazardous road, relationship-wise. And it is, of course. It's the road to infidelity, to intimacy lost, to needs that belong in a marriage satisfied elsewhere.
But let's leave sex out of it for a while. A marriage is so much more (yes, it is). Looking at other, important aspects, my online life hasn't only stolen from my marriage - it has also given back. I have learned how to get things for myself. I've stopped seeing my marriage as an obstacle for my own needs and wishes.
Example: I felt I needed more space, but any attempts to bring it up so far have been met with hurt feelings from my husband. So instead of talking about it, I went right ahead and figured out how to organize a little private office at home, which would also free up space for my husbands's things, and then told my husband that I had decided on rearranging some things, and I told him how. And he said "sounds fine to me, sure, let's do it".
Another example: I wanted to try a new activity, that would inevitably steal from family time, that my husband had said for many years that we "could try sometime", but every time I suggested that we actually do it there seemed to be so many other things that were more urgent. So I figured out where and how to do it, and told my husband that I'd be away the next evening, so he'd have to put the kids to bed. And he said "ok, have fun". After a while, I found a way to engage one of my kids in the same activity, and I have hopes that the rest of the family, including my husband, will come along eventually.
I am a stronger, more independent woman now. I don't go around waiting for something to happen, while whining to myself about the fact that nothing ever does.
Sexually, I've come to realize that I don't desire my husband. As sad as that may be, it's still better now that I'm aware of my feelings. I've found other ways to satisfy my needs, and I've found a way to keep my husband reasonably happy. It's not an ideal situation, with regards to marital intimacy, but while it hasn't improved my sex life with husband, nor has it made it worse. I think we both have more realistic expectations now, and both seem to be able to live with it, for the time being.
There are issues... mainly when I'm unhappy with my online life... when I'm worried, afraid, sad. Those feelings tend to follow me into my "real" life, and I hate that they sometimes steal focus from my family. But when I feel my thoughts slipping from the movie I'm watching with my husband, to feelings of worry or sadness, I tell myself: I want this. I need the turbulence. It may hurt right now, and I don't always know that there's a good ending in sight, but my hurt only proves my emotional life is getting some exercise, which is a good thing. That exercise is hard to find within the suburban routine marriage of 15+ years.
In those situations, I also tend to see clearer which is my "main" life. After an initial bout of panic, when I realize that my "real" life may not be everything I once dreamt it would be, I tend to find my way back. I realize that I want this, too - and not only the children, but also my marriage. I love the predictability, the friendship, the close bonds. I love the deep intimacy that perhaps isn't very erotic after all these years, and after seeing needs follow diverting paths, but nevertheless it's a deep intimacy that I want and need. I love my husband.
If I hadn't pursued my online life I'm not sure I'd be so sure of that.
Action: I bring up an idea (something I want to try, or do) with my husband.
Result: He says "sure, we'll do that sometime", and then never brings it up again.
What did I learn? That there's no point in telling him what I want.
End result: Lack of communication. Unhappy wife, with doubts as to how long I will be able to stand not having my needs and wishes met. Unhappy husband, who has no idea why his wife isn't ever happy about things.
Now I realize the above strategy probably failed because I wasn't clear enough. He might have responded differently had I told him, for example, that I wanted him to tie me up and tease me for five hours straight without letting me climax, while I sucked him and let him come in my throat, or indeed anywhere he wished, as many times as he wished.
True, I didn't put it quite that way to him. But in my mind, it feels as if I tried all sorts of ways to bring up ideas with my husband, both with regards to sex and with regards to other things. Nothing ever happened.
Action: I went online.
Result: I found what I was looking for, and more: Satisfaction, passion, interaction, arousal, intimacy, immediate response to any idea I felt like broaching, and an endless source of breathtaking exploration.
What did I learn? That if I want something, I have to get it for myself. That if I really decide to go get it, I really can have it.
This may seem like a hazardous road, relationship-wise. And it is, of course. It's the road to infidelity, to intimacy lost, to needs that belong in a marriage satisfied elsewhere.
But let's leave sex out of it for a while. A marriage is so much more (yes, it is). Looking at other, important aspects, my online life hasn't only stolen from my marriage - it has also given back. I have learned how to get things for myself. I've stopped seeing my marriage as an obstacle for my own needs and wishes.
Example: I felt I needed more space, but any attempts to bring it up so far have been met with hurt feelings from my husband. So instead of talking about it, I went right ahead and figured out how to organize a little private office at home, which would also free up space for my husbands's things, and then told my husband that I had decided on rearranging some things, and I told him how. And he said "sounds fine to me, sure, let's do it".
Another example: I wanted to try a new activity, that would inevitably steal from family time, that my husband had said for many years that we "could try sometime", but every time I suggested that we actually do it there seemed to be so many other things that were more urgent. So I figured out where and how to do it, and told my husband that I'd be away the next evening, so he'd have to put the kids to bed. And he said "ok, have fun". After a while, I found a way to engage one of my kids in the same activity, and I have hopes that the rest of the family, including my husband, will come along eventually.
I am a stronger, more independent woman now. I don't go around waiting for something to happen, while whining to myself about the fact that nothing ever does.
Sexually, I've come to realize that I don't desire my husband. As sad as that may be, it's still better now that I'm aware of my feelings. I've found other ways to satisfy my needs, and I've found a way to keep my husband reasonably happy. It's not an ideal situation, with regards to marital intimacy, but while it hasn't improved my sex life with husband, nor has it made it worse. I think we both have more realistic expectations now, and both seem to be able to live with it, for the time being.
There are issues... mainly when I'm unhappy with my online life... when I'm worried, afraid, sad. Those feelings tend to follow me into my "real" life, and I hate that they sometimes steal focus from my family. But when I feel my thoughts slipping from the movie I'm watching with my husband, to feelings of worry or sadness, I tell myself: I want this. I need the turbulence. It may hurt right now, and I don't always know that there's a good ending in sight, but my hurt only proves my emotional life is getting some exercise, which is a good thing. That exercise is hard to find within the suburban routine marriage of 15+ years.
In those situations, I also tend to see clearer which is my "main" life. After an initial bout of panic, when I realize that my "real" life may not be everything I once dreamt it would be, I tend to find my way back. I realize that I want this, too - and not only the children, but also my marriage. I love the predictability, the friendship, the close bonds. I love the deep intimacy that perhaps isn't very erotic after all these years, and after seeing needs follow diverting paths, but nevertheless it's a deep intimacy that I want and need. I love my husband.
If I hadn't pursued my online life I'm not sure I'd be so sure of that.
Oh Johanna we are so similar. And that was so well reasoned. I know exactly where you are coming from. Nicely expressed and a great conclusion :)
ReplyDeleteJohanna, yes like clivekink said you expressed yourself quite clearly. I too am in the same situation, but, I do not have any closeness with my husband. If it were not for my daughter being home and in high school I would have been long gone. I have been experimenting with this lifestyle for years. It is the only thing that seems to satisfy the need in me. It was the choice between being miserable, or like you said, going out and making myself happy. I chose the latter. I don't like what I do per se, I do live with some guilt. Like you I tried with my husband, but for us I do think we need more of the natural Dominant that has it in them, they know just what they have to do. It's always good to read of someone in the same boat, it feels good. Thanks for that. Donna
ReplyDeleteThis was an honest, introspective and all around excellent post. There are many of us out there that have walked in your shoes and know precisely how you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteMarriages evolve. Some keep their hot and heavy sex life, while others fizzle into something akin to a familiar and comfortable pair of slippers. I think that it's a good thing to know when something has been lost, and it's an even braver thing to go out and find a way to be happy so that it doesn't ruin your family union.
You're the best at getting this concept across... and I needed to hear it and understand it and your post is a good piece of my puzzle. It's always important for me to be reminded of these things. I should come back and read this post on occasion...
ReplyDeleteThanks xoxox
Clive - it's certainly good to know that there are like minds and kindred spirits out there.
ReplyDeletedleek - I'm glad to hear you chose happiness, but sad about the situation with your husband.. Your other relationship, is it only online or do you meet as well?
Tats - introspective is my middle name, lol... and yes, I like the old slippers comparison! In fact, I'd choose old slippers over, say, heels, any day. Much to the disappointment of some.
Cande - the mind never stops does it... I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have thought so much about this lately if it weren't for your recent situation, and also for the fact that I'm going through a balanced and very enjoyable period with S. Figured I'd better write this down now, to... well save for later ;-)