S and I are not in an intense phase, partly because I've been busy, partly because I don't know what. It worries me a lot. And yes, I realize this must be getting tiring for the readers of this blog. It is to me as well. And to good friend G, who sighed when I told him and said: "I don't know why you worry. You know he'll always come back".
But that's the point. I don't know.
Tonight, I debated with myself for some time whether masturbating would make me miss him more or not. Then I got tired with myself and watched a video and came within minutes. It's been too long...
And yes. Masturbating did make me wish intensely that he'd been here. But it did my body good, definitely.
I have to pick myself up. Or maybe not. Deep down, I'm glad I'm at least honest to myself. Even feelings of sadness and worry are good, somehow. I feel alive. Call me stupid, but I like being attached to him - painful at times, wonderful at other times. The wonderful outweighs the painful by far, so far, so I'll stick with it.
I'll just have to work on the fact that I let my feelings get in the way of pleasure. Of arousal, even. Enough of that.
But that's the point. I don't know.
Tonight, I debated with myself for some time whether masturbating would make me miss him more or not. Then I got tired with myself and watched a video and came within minutes. It's been too long...
And yes. Masturbating did make me wish intensely that he'd been here. But it did my body good, definitely.
I have to pick myself up. Or maybe not. Deep down, I'm glad I'm at least honest to myself. Even feelings of sadness and worry are good, somehow. I feel alive. Call me stupid, but I like being attached to him - painful at times, wonderful at other times. The wonderful outweighs the painful by far, so far, so I'll stick with it.
I'll just have to work on the fact that I let my feelings get in the way of pleasure. Of arousal, even. Enough of that.
We will not get bored of it. But as G said he will come back. I know that it feels like he won't every single time it happens though. So just try to ride the wave and you'll come out on top.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes feeling something is better than feeling nothing or just frustration. I'm choosing to feel it all. No matter what. Don't regret anything.
Like any relationship vanilla or not there are those ups and downs. It just feels like the downs in this lifestyle are way more intense. I have learned you do have to ride that wave like Cande commented on. We feel it's intensity and want it all the time, Master's keep it all in control. When you have a down moment it's good to remember that you are a slave and that means we have to have the mindset and focus even when the times get hard.
ReplyDeletedleec - I can see how your experience might change the dynamic of things... this is not a d/s relationship though.
ReplyDeleteBut you're right, it's all about staying focused, knowing what you want, seeing clearly what you have. It's easy to get lost, things happen so quickly and directly online and a few days can seem like an eternity sometimes.
I didn't sigh :-) I just understand the wave of expectation-fear-expectation-relief-arousal-repeat. It is part of the rollercoaster. It's what makes it so delicious, intoxicating and infuriating. It doesn't mean it's not real or should be belittled...just call it a maddening occupational hazard. In short, I agree with Cande!
ReplyDeleteGxx