#118, April 29, afternoon

I have a little project, and this was part of it. It was good. It happened during the royal wedding. And that's all I'll say for now... more later.

#117, April 28, night

I've been bad. So bad.

I went into the chat again... and lo and behold, I ran into an old online lover. He was one of the first men I talked with online, and the one who meant the most to me, back in those early days before I met S that is. Our affair was short and incredibly intense, and it ended disastrously. I know I'm not impartial here but really, he hurt me and treated me horribly.

He had the same screen name still, I had not. He was the one to start talking, unaware of my identity... and I didn't tell him. I was amazed at how obvious it was to me that I, erotically speaking, am a different person now. It sort of made me feel completely comfortable with not telling him. Oh I know it was a terrible thing to do... but our conversation was so different from the way we talked back then, it was shocking.

He aroused me, not in the same way as before, but he did. It was clear that he was very turned on as well.

Then someone else struck up a conversation... oh I'm so bad. It was a lovely girl, seductive, imaginative... I just couldn't help myself, and started to talk with her as well, simultaneously, but I told neither her nor him. So bad.

Both of them combined was almost too much, and after quite a long while I couldn't take it any longer and told them a very sudden goodbye, and left quickly. I finished on my own, in the dark.

So bad. But so good.

HNT, April 28 2011

I like seeing myself like this. A few years ago, wearing this kind of dress and taking this kind of picture would have been completely unthinkable to me. Now... I rather enjoy it ;-)

#116, April 27, afternoon

I do believe this orgasm was anger-induced.

I was chatting with someone. S is away and I really, really felt like a little hot chat... so for the first time in a while I hit an erotic chat room. But, well, either you happen to find someone who's in the same mood with whom you can skip right to the point, or you happen to find someone who's just fun to talk to, and I happened to find the latter.

So we talked a while, not about sex, and I enjoyed it. But after a while I just had to get back to work, and I told him so. We still talked a while longer. Still completely un-erotic, but getting along really well. And suddenly he says "Slide two fingers inside for me". It actually made me smile, it was so out of context, but bold somehow, and I didn't mind at all. I just knew I couldn't take the time to go there right then, and so I told him - politely, and with a smiley, might I add. And within a second, he had signed off!

What is with people?!

I got back to working, but was really irritated, and missed S insanely much. After an hour or two I just had to get into a better mood, as my kids were about to come home, so I took a short while for a quickie with a lousy clip.

Oh well. Better times ahead, I hope.

#115, April 26, afternoon

This is almost getting embarrassing. I'm just so very horny today.

Plus, it's my first day alone at home in a week.

#114, April 26, mid-day

My curiosity forbade me not to look at the video in Advizor's blog post. And so much did it turn me on that I just kept going, and after watching about one and a half more (randomly chosen) clips I came.

I have become very skilled with watching porn, I have to say. When I started, which is only a couple of years ago, I was shocked at the porn-movie-style. The acting, the artificial sounds and the unrealistic scenarios just turned me off, and I could only watch the truly amateur stuff.

With the evolvement of my own fantasies, things have changed. Nowadays, almost anything works. I simply supplement it with my own setting, my own dialogue, my own on-lookers and participants. Every clip becomes an illustration of my most current masturbation fantasy.

I still can't handle horrible muzak though. Who ever came up with the idea that that noise would be more arousing than the voices, whimpers, groans and sighs of real people!? Does anyone - anyone - appreciate porn groove?

#113, April 25, night

I played out the parking lot fantasy again, but this time with S. It was wonderful getting to talk with him without interruptions, for as long as I wanted and needed. It was an embarrassing fantasy, and I may not have told him every little detail, but I told him most of it. I've missed that for a while now... being able to be so excruciatingly honest.

He didn’t come though, and I do think we’ve lost some intensity, some intimacy - but for some reason I'm not that worried about it any more. Has the break/halt "de-S:ified" me a little? Out of sight, out of mind. Or is it because I've been spending more time with my husband? Or have I become a little closer with my husband because S and I have moved a little further apart? Is it all a zero-sum game?

Or is it truly just a "halt"? Perhaps. S is going away for a few days, and I’m very interested to know what will happen when he comes back. Sometimes it scares me. Sometimes I just enjoy the slight panic... my life isn’t very turbulent to start with, so any strong emotions are welcome.

#112, April 24, afternoon

I went into the supermarket - face flushed, mind unfocused.

Little did my fellow shoppers know that I'd been away for five days, with no alone time and only one half-hearted orgasm . Little did they suspect that I had offered to go shopping within hours of getting back, discreetly slipping my favourite vibrator in my purse on my way out.

I started a fantasy as soon as I walked out the door. I got more and more distracted as I drove, and when I parked in a far away corner of the supermarket parking lot I was already wet, aroused, desperate. I slipped my tights to my knees, all the while keeping a close lookout in the rear view mirrors, and set my mind free.

It only took a couple of minutes, but it was so very much needed. Afterwards I felt so relaxed that I most of all wanted to go to sleep, but instead I very slowly drove closer to the store entrance, got out of the car, put my clothes in order, took a deep breath and started shopping.

I had a great vacation, but as usual I’m also very happy to be back.

#111, April 22, night

I haven't talked much with S during my trip, but it hasn't been a completely silent "break", or "halt", or whatever, either.

We talked a while tonight, and I very quickly got so very very aroused... then my unstable connection disappeared, and when I managed to restore it five minutes later he was gone. Not sure if he got tired waiting, or if the conversation simply wasn't interesting enough.

Well it was to me. In the dark, in the hotel room, with my family asleep all around me, I started touching myself. I found myself focusing on the g-spot, which I rarely do, but god it felt good. I was so so close for so so long, but the fear of being heard made it difficult for me to take that leap... it's interesting really how much mental relaxation is needed for me to come.

When I finally did, the orgasm didn't match my arousal and the pleasure leading up to it. Not at all. I'm even debating with myself whether to call it an orgasm. But ok, yes it was, though I'm still very much in need of a good release.

Whatever. After a couple of days focused on family, it was wonderful to focus on myself for a while.

HNT, April 21 2011

Little nice things have happened. Such as my husband telling me, out of nowhere, "The older you get, the more beautiful you get". And such as S letting me know that he misses me. Also, the trip started out really well. No privacy though, so I'm not counting on posting any (numbered) posts the next few days...

Hopefully I'll soon find the time to take some new pictures. I may even learn click throughs one of these days. Until then, here's a pre S picture:

Happy Easter!

#110, April 19, mid-day

I've felt a little sad today... couldn't resist checking my messenger of course, and found an offline message from S where he said goodmorning, but nothing else. No comment on my message about a two week break.

I know I'll go crazy with frustration while I'm away on holiday, I always do when I don't get my privacy. I wanted to take advantage of my last day alone for a while, so I had some fun with my slow vibe...haven't used it in some time, because it doesn't seem to be able to make me come. On the other hand - it feels really good, and keeps me steadily very aroused for a very long time. Perfect for elaborate daydreams.

They developed in a taboo direction as usual, and after almost half an hour sqirming on the sofa I just had to go get my good vibe and make myself come in no time at all. It was a powerful orgasm, the kind the swept through all of my body and made me so sensitive in a fraction of a second that I couldn't remove the vibe quickly enough.

I won't have a chance to tell S about my fantasies and I already miss it so much. Already contemplating writing it down for him in an email. I'm hopeless.

#109, April 18, night

S and I are not so good at the moment. We haven't talked much lately, and tonight S referred to it as a "halt". God knows I've been online and wanting to talk, constantly, but he hasn't. He hasn't said anything as to why (not that I've asked). He claims it's temporary, and this may sound strange, but deep down... somehow... I think he's right.

Anyway... I'm going away, and then he's going away, so after our short (but good and honest) conversation tonight I tried to calculate my expectations for my upcoming trip, using known facts and anticipated outcomes, taking into account...

• the ridiculous amount of relatives that will be going with me on the trip
  
• the horrible lack of privacy
  
• the amount of sneaking that would be required of me to try to catch S online
  
• the low probability that I would indeed catch him online more than once or twice, given the recent (ongoing?) "halt"
  
• my frustration and disappointment with all of the above
  

...and it made me make up my mind not to talk until he's back from his trip, almost two weeks from now.

It won't be a record for us, I've done this break thing before while I've been away on holiday. I know it's harsh but I want to focus on my family while I'm away and I think this is the only way I can do that.

But god, I'll miss him. And god I'll be scared. Time will tell. I'm sad that things aren't better, but at the same time I'm happy that I have the courage to just be in the middle of it. I'm feeling very alive and in touch with myself. Strange.

So... to say that I needed to relieve some anxiety tonight would be an understatement.

Maybe it was my mood, I don't know. Something was definitely different, because I had a series of mini-orgasms, maybe six or seven of them (too small to warrant their own numbers, but each one was delicious), finally ending with the real thing... if this is what worry and fear and confusion will do with me, maybe I can live with it for a couple of weeks.

#108, April 17, afternoon

I'm at home working, while the rest of the family is out.

Took a bath to think on something work related - I usually come up with good ideas in the bath tub. Ended up thinking about something completely different.

At least I solved that work thing before I came. A productive bath, to say the least.

#107, April 17, morning

Had a sleepy but intimate conversation with S late last night, but he had to log off before we'd really gotten anywhere.

Had pretty good Sunday morning sex with husband this morning, but didn't come.

While he was in the shower I stayed in bed. I silently opened the laptop and started watching a video without turning the sound on, while using the vibrator, of which my husband knows nothing. I won't really go into our mismatched sex life here. It was a great video though and I was thoroughly enjoying myself.

When I heard the shower go silent and a child starting to make its way up the stairs I was about two seconds from coming. I quickly closed the laptop and put the vibrator in its secret drawer, feeling a sharp disappointment, certain it was ruined.

But as I got up to get dressed I realized it had started and could not be stopped. Standing on my knees in bed I finished with my fingers, as I heard quick little footsteps approaching, and the bathroom door opening. When my husband came in wrapped in a towel, and my son stood in the door yelling something about hunger, I was already in a long t-shirt and, on legs that were still shaking, on my way to the kitchen.

Not a bad start of the day. I have a feeling I will be a good mother and wife today.

Exclusivity

At times like this, when S and I, for whatever reason, don't talk as much as I'd want to, I wish I could heed my friend G:s advice and take a backup lover. But I can't.

As much as I advocate open relationships for those that can make it work, and as much as I wish I was one of those, I think I may actually be hopelessly monogamous. (And by that of course I mean that I'll stick with one husband and one lover... but for the sake of argument, let's just talk about the lover for now. Maybe mono-eroticous is a better word... or single-lovered.)

I have tried, believe me. I've had quite a few online one-night-stands during my time with S, and some of them have been wonderful - though never as good as if I had spent that time with S instead, so really what's the point. I have also made a couple of attempts at ongoing flings on the side, and though they were absolutely fascinating and lovely persons, I always held back a little bit... not wanting to get in too deep, not wanting to lead them on, feeling somehow that a high level of intimacy would in a way have constituted a promise - one that I knew I wouldn't be able to keep. I even told them about S, and they claimed to be fine with the fact that he was my main concern. But in the end they weren't, and I ended up hurting them, which I hated, so I probably won't give it another try.

S has never asked me to be exclusive. In fact, for a very long time I didn't even tell him that I was. It had nothing to do with him, it was my choice. Actually it wasn't even a choice, it was simply the only way that worked for me.

As for him, I don't think he feels the same way, and it doesn't really bother me. I've been scared many times, thinking that it would be so easy for him to find someone else who'd fall for him the way I fell for him. (I'm actually amazed it hasn't happened yet.) So yes, many times when he's been silent I've worried that he's been talking with someone else - but it's a fear of losing him, not a fear of not being the only one for him.

I'll admit to feelings of jealousy and doubt... but for a person as myself, who's fairly new to the online multi-lovered scene, there is a learning curve involved. I'm practicing to look at what we have, and simply ask myself if it gives me what I want and need. If it does, then why worry about what he has or does with others, or indeed about anything at all? And if it doesn't, what good will it do me to wonder why? The only thing I'd need to think about is what I wanted to do about it. It's an interesting experiment, and so far it has actually taught me some lessons that I've found very useful, both online and when applied to my marriage.

At times like this, a spare lover would come in handy - but I just can't. S is there, he's around, he fuels my fantasies and inspires daydreams... and we do talk a lot, by most people's standards. It doesn't stop me from wanting more of him right now, but as far as lovers go he's more than enough for me to not need or want anyone else.

Whether I'm enough for him is another issue, and I'll probably always wonder... but it's outside of my control, and besides, if/when I'm not I'll know. Eventually.

#106, April 15, afternoon

Ok, to recapitulate I've so far come up with several needs that call for an orgasm. Arousal is number one of course, but anxiety is definitely important as well. Furthermore, there are several conditions that can be alleviated through physical release - sleeplessness and an irritable mood being two, but I'm sure there are others.

And then there's pure... addiction? I think I've become so used to that release that if I go say a day and a half without one, my body starts protesting. If S is around that feeling is very easily channelled into overwhelming arousal, but we don't really seem to talk that much during the workday any more. Today has been relatively quiet in that regard, just a quick hello this morning, so I've been feeling the itch grow as I've been working.

I still had quite a lot of work to do before calling it a day but eventually I just couldn't focus, and had to make time for a break. I happened to find a video that correspended very well to one of my perversions, so it was indeed a quickie. Now back to work.

#105, April 14, morning

Of course I had to tell S what I was imagining during that second orgasm last night, but when he told me this morning that he was at home and wanted to call, I got scared. Even though he already knew just how taboo it was, I didn't think I'd be able to tell him over the phone.

But I was. With S I have no limits. It was intense. We both came.

Afterwards we stayed on the phone for a while to talk about that sharp and uncrossable line between reality and dark, taboo, forbidden fantasy. I feel completely confident that we both know exactly where to draw that line, and I know that none of us even have the desire to cross it in real life, but at times I still wonder if I should permit myself to even fantasize on the "wrong" side of the perimeter. S is so very comfortable with it, I'm not.

It's fascinating to talk about it though. Fantasies, however taboo, hurt no one - we both agree on that. And it's fun talking... just talking. At times, for a change.

#103 & 104, and HNT

First: I had an incredible night with S. We typed for a couple of hours, on messenger and email... email for the extra special taboo secrets, so as to keep them a little separate, a little hidden. Messenger for the rest.

He came. I came. But it was special... it was a delicious orgasm, but instead of going from there to the usual state of relaxation and cuddly sleepiness, I just needed to start touching myself again. More. More. More. Until I was at the brink of coming a second time, and in the middle of it all suddenly scared of staining the sheets, which almost made me lose it, but I managed to stop caring about the sheets and came in a cloud of soft, warm and perfectly timed spasms instead.

Second: This is my first HNT post, so this is a little nervous. I took the picture for S, after we had talked at night, a while ago. We had both just come, I was still a little aroused, but relaxed, sleepy, feeling good - not unlike the feeling I have right now, so it's a befitting image. I actually asked S before if he was ok with me posting it on here - not asking for permission, but asking for the picture back, since I gave it to him once. I have to admit that part of me wanted him to say no... but he was obviously fine with sharing, so here it is (taken from my perspective):

And now, since I'm in a state of relaxation and cuddly sleepiness, I bid you goodnight.

#102, April 11, night

Loved talking with S tonight... loved our conversation, loved our fantasies... I shared with him what went through my head just before I came earlier today. I was almost too embarrassed to tell him at first because it felt like such a cliché fantasy, but as I got further into it, it proved to not be so cliché after all. I was surprised myself. And incredibly aroused.

He had to leave very suddenly, and a little too early. It took me a while to get back to where I'd been, but once I did... mmm, I continued the fantasy on my own and came hard, wishing he'd been there, but feeling very, very good.

#101, April 11, mid-day

I have always liked limitations. I like living in a house that's slightly too small - it makes me creative, makes me think of unexpected solutions. I like having not quite enough money - it makes me smart, and it makes me enjoy the things I end up buying.

Sexually, I like the thought of rules, preventing me from doing exactly what I'd like to be doing, or making me do things I might not have chosen to do. It makes me deal with feelings that would otherwise be hidden.

Another form of limitation is to go from the truly fantastic to the more realistic fantasies. Starting out with the most arousing, most unrealistic scenario... and then stopping to think: What if we actually met up, to do exactly this? Then how would it play out? What would we do? What would we refrain from doing? What would we do, though we knew we shouldn't? How would that make us feel?

That's what happened in the conversation with S today. We were both working, or trying to work, while pausing every now and then to weave a delicious scenario... and after a while we started imagining really doing it, which made us make little subtle changes, and made it feel so very real.

It's very unclear if S and I will ever meet - nothing is decided, but nothing is ruled out - but the thought of doing what we talked about doing today, the thought of my hesitation and his, of the pleasure, of two very real bodies... made me sneak off and masturbate, and, of course, come.

#100, April 9, night

He surprised me by coming before I did, but apart from that it was a typical night with S: the fantasy evolved from random smalltalk, and quickly went from there to one of our favourite taboo scenarios.

I won't say much about it on here, but the same reasons that makes it too private to share with the blogger community also made it a perfect #100.

After a few quiet days, which as usual had me worrying and wondering, it was wonderful to talk with S again.

#99, April 8, late night

I suppose this was a combination - anxiety AND arousal. Anxious from not hearing from S, wondering why, deciding not to wonder why, then wondering some more. Aroused by simply being awake in the middle of the night, in the dark, in this little room that has grown so intimately associated with pleasure.

And perhaps I've come across a third trigger as well - sleeplessness. I'll mostly fall asleep in one minute sharp, but tonight is one of those rare exceptions. It felt like a little orgasm might help.

And since I suspected that the man-woman thing would possibly remind me of S, which would possibly send my mind wondering again, which I simply wouldn't have any more of, I got off to a delicious lesbian clip.

Now sleep.

(Oh and by the way - will I have to make the next one really special, since it's #100 this year? Or should I not care?)

#98, April 8, mid-day

I'm starting to recognize different situations where I need to come: There's arousal - and there's anxiety.

This one was all about anxiety. About work, about other things. Needed to relieve some pressure, and it worked.

I've almost been reluctant to masturbate after the completely amazing climax of yesterday morning, didn't want to spoil the memory. (Also, I'll admit I was sort of waiting for S a little bit, but he hasn't been around, which worries me a little though I know it shouldn't.)

But though there was absolutely nothing memorable about the orgasm I had just now, the memory from yesterday is still intact. Thank god.

#97, April 7, morning

The fantasy from last night was still there when S started talking this morning, and he was at home too... so I got to listen to his voice, and when I came I did so for such an amazingly long time, I thought it would never end. I was still lost in the aftershocks when he came a while later. We even had an imaginary postcoital cigarette over the phone afterwards, though none of us smoke :-)

There is so much arousal in my life that wouldn't be there if it wasn't for him. I'd masturbate, I'd come, but not this much, not this intensely. And there are so many fantasies that I wouldn't articulate if it weren't for him. He pulls them out of me.

It used to scare me. It used to make me back off a little. I'd take more time to seek pleasure on my own, chat a little with others, afraid of getting too dependent. And now it feels as if I have laid down all resistance, as if I've finally stopped worrying so much about "what will it be like when he's not around any more". I don't know what is the right thing to do, but I do know that I'm enjoying what we have now.

#96, April 6, night

I couldn't stop thinking about the fantasy we weaved together a short while ago. I just had to make myself come again.

#95, April 6, night

When I'm close to coming, with S, something happens with me.

It's like opening a door to my subconscious, and secret fantasies start pouring out. Those last couple of minutes are amazing - I surprise myself over and over again. I shock myself, but I don't care, I just open those gates and let my innermost thoughts pour out, and then I come.

No one else has ever had that effect on me. I don't know how it travels through cyberspace via typed words, but it does. His voice... though we don't talk on phone at night, I keep hearing his voice, and it makes me go mad with arousal - literally mad, as in not myself.

Tonight, we kept chatting for a little while after we had both come. We imagined a slow fuck, both of us tender, sensitive, spent. Kissing. Delicious... I want him.

#94, April 5, morning

Did I say something about less often...? Only last night?

I might have to work on that.

And since the clip I watched says absolutely nothing about my desires, and since it's completely out of character for me to even click on such a clip (don't know what got into me), let alone be aroused by it and come to it, I'll even post a link (I didn't watch all of it though):

The clip that took me by surprise

#93, April 4, night

I hadn't come since Friday night. Weekends are tricky sometimes. Family everywhere.

So this Monday morning, I woke up horny. I started talking with S fairly early, and we started a new and completely delicious fantasy, which we had both been thinking about since I messaged him about it yesterday.

I very quickly found myself in bed, masturbating, anticipating the much needed release... when S told me to bring myself to the brink, and then stop.

I did as he told me to. It was more intense than any release could have been.

We kept talking back and forth throughout the day, and I kept bringing myself to the edge, time after another. After a day of almost constant arousal I impatiently waited for him to come online at night.

And yes, it was just as delicious as I had thought it would be. Maybe I should start climaxing a little less often, in favour of intensity?

Not bad for a dilemma.

Erotic language

English is not my language.

But neither is the erotic vocabulary of my native tongue.

There were so many years when I felt the words connected with sex were soiled, sullied. The dirty words were too, well, dirty - and not in a good way. The romantic metaphors were too silly. The correct words were too clinical. They all bore connotations that I felt very uncomfortable with, and I wouldn't take them into my mouth. I think that's why I've never been very vocal while having sex.

I didn't even feel comfortable reading them, which became a problem when I first started looking for erotic stories online. That, and the fact that my native language is so small that there isn't much quality supply, made me look for erotica in English instead.

And suddenly, to me, the words were free. They meant what I wanted them to mean. I filled them with meaning and with emotion as I pleased (and as I moved along I also learned quite a few words describing phenomena I'd never known existed, so I had no words for them at all in my language).

It was like learning a new language, and I learned it first by reading, then by chatting. After just a few weeks of chatting (okay, I'll admit I spent a lot of my awake time chatting) I could say things I'd never had words to express in my own language. (So there's a tip for those of you looking to learn a foreign language...) And when I ventured into phone sex... I could talk.

I have tried chatting and emailing on erotic topics in my native tongue, but I'm still not comfortable with it, and I wonder if I ever will be. So when I started this blog, using English was an easy decision. Of course, it will always be a foreign language, and there are times when I wish I could express myself with the ease and individual style that I do in my own language.

But erotically - I consider English to be my native tongue.

#92, April 1, night

Half an hour of smalltalk.
An hour of a fantasy building.
Mmmm. The intensity of it is just a memory now. Right now I'm lost in the warmth of kisses, of damp bodies touching, trembling closely together.
I'll sleep like this.

History and thankyou

A couple of years ago I was a woman with no lust. I never had sex, which was killing my marriage, and I never masturbated or thought about sex, which was killing me, though I didn't know it at the time.

Thinking about sex came first. I had to force myself to do it, but I did it anyway, in order to work up the arousal that I failed to feel with my husband, in order to make it possible for me to have sex with him.

It worked. Our sex life (and our marriage!) picked up.

When I started to run out of fantasies I went online, and that became the starting point of a new me.

I went from erotic stories, to porn, to writing stories of my own, and from there to... chat. God, it was intense. I found myself in a whirlwind of erotic liaisons, finding more arousal - and more intense arousal - than I ever knew was possible. After a while I "met" S, and since that connection was pretty much all I needed and could handle, I became more focused and could catch my breath a little. Instead, a more or less structured journey through my own desires started, and fortunately there's no end in sight.

In this new online presence I found myself confused and overwhelmed. I had no one to talk to, I had no way of sorting my feelings, I had no idea how others had handled similar situations, or indeed if anyone else had even been in similar situations. I was lost.

Enter chat friends. Enter blogs.

There was G, who, after a hard online/phone fuck, a swift romance and a long awkward silence became my trusted friend, with whom I can vent just about anything. There was Cande, who alerted me to the fact that online relationships exist and have their own peculiar dynamics, and who got me blogging in the first place.

To me, finding her blog opened a door to a new world, where I'm not the only one exploring, and certainly not the only one who faces the challenge of handling a parallel life outside of "ordinary" life. There is That Girl, and Mediocrity, and many others, who have commented and provided new perspectives. There is Advizor, whose post the other day sent new followers my way, so that they now amount to 20 - which is 20 more than I expected when I started writing a few months back. There are many others as well, who write, read and comment, and I am so grateful to have found you.

Makes me wonder where this journey will take me next...

#91, March 31, night

I won't even try to figure out why a good evening with my husband put me in a mood very well suited to talk with my lover, but it did.

I so hoped he'd be there, and he was. When he told me he was catching up on reading my blog I got a little nervous and sort of regretted my need to blurt out all sorts of naked feelings... but he's good about these things, he's not an overthinker like I am but just undramatically passed my brooding off as "simply normal" and moved on.

I told him about the fantasy I came to earlier in the day... I felt lonely thinking about it then, so telling him now felt like putting things right. The fantasy evolved, intensified, deepened. When he disappeared without warning I was so close to coming that I didn't even care, I just kept going.

I would have wanted him to be there, but... I'm back to normal. We're back to normal. I'll feel very good falling asleep now.