It's amazing how I can tell him everything. Everything. Things I've never told anyone before, and things I will possibly (probably) never tell anyone else about in times to come.
But it doesn't matter... they're out there now, in the open, spoken, told... thanks to him.
Today I felt I had to explain to him that I'm a normal person. I work, I take care of the kids, I cook, I do gardening. He knows that of course, not that we talk a lot about it but after over a year of intense, mostly daily, conversations, we've done a fair amount of "non erotic" chit chat as well and know each other well.
I still needed to tell him. He sees a lot more of my other side, my hidden side. My taboo side. The side that harbours fantasies that will always remain fantasies. I don't want them to ever come true and he knows that. He's the one who has made me feel (more or less) comfortable about them. I've come to understand that they harm no one, they only provide tremendous amounts of pleasure.
But it's not mainly about taboo, unmentionable fantasies anyway. The opening up is the key thing. The letting go, the sense of being who I am, standing up for myself, admitting and accepting my inner self, whatever it consists of. There are good things in there, as well as bad, but there's nothing to be afraid of. It's only a matter of handling it right, to my advantage, while making sure it's to no one's disadvantage.
My new insights are affecting not only my erotic life, but also other aspects of my personality. I can tell the difference now - focusing on myself doesn't mean I stop being responsible to others. Caring for others doesn't mean I have to stop caring for myself.
I know... I'm coming down from an amazing phone sex orgasm as I write this and I have tons of work waiting for me, so I have neither the focus nor the time to explain it better. But in my mind it's all connected, and I feel I'm growing.
Apart from this way too long rambling (but this blog is mainly for me, after all), I can only add that I loved letting him hear me, and I loved hearing him come a little bit later. Mmm.
I think these are key discoveries you're making. One can be self-centered (which is a good thing) without being selfish. I would also try to stop labeling things "good" and "bad". They just are. The sooner we accept *all* of who we are, and not deny the parts of us we somehow learned to label "bad", the happier and more whole we are.
ReplyDeleteLovely post. :-)
You are absolutely right, "good" and "bad" are poor terms... but I'll probably keep them around, instead of saying things like "qualities I'd like to work on", "qualities that may make life more difficult, but I'll just accept them for now" and "qualities I'm happy with as they are". Because that's probably what they mean to me now.
ReplyDelete