Women, part 3

You may want to read part 1 and part 2 first.

For a long period of time after my failed lesbian romance, I was at a relationship standstill. I lived alone and had a good life with many friends, but no steady partner. The one-night-stands were all male, as well as my one-week-a-year lover. After a couple of years I fell in love, with a man. It was a troubled relationship, the on-and-off kind, but it was definitely very passionate and the sex was among the best I've ever had. To me, he was the ultimate proof that my excursion into gay love was simply a momentary lapse of reason (and yes, I love the song). I was finally proven straight again, and very relieved.

The passionate lover left, and after a short while I met my husband. That's over 15 years ago, and during all these years, I haven't dreamt about women, which to me has, again, proven that I'm as heterosexual as they come. But now, when I think back, I realize that I haven't dreamt about men either. Once I met the person I wanted to live with and have kids with, I closed all doors. He was enough for me. I wasn't available to others. I didn't look, I didn't flirt. It sounds catastrophic but it was what I wanted, and I have no regrets about it.

Things happened, and I won't go into them now. But: enter - chat. Online life. The disclosure of dreams, of fantasies. This was about a year and a half ago... and lead to the opening of that door that I'd kept closed for 15 years. First in my online life, rapidly followed by my real life, which is to say I started looking at men differently, and acknowledging that they looked at me with eyes I hadn't been aware of for very long.

I "met" S. After a couple of months of very, very intense talking, he asked me if I'd ever been interested in women. I said no, but continued by saying, "but I was in love with a woman once". It felt natural to tell him, and I was relieved - but I was still straight. And it still made a difference to me that I was.

It was after that that the fantasies and daydreams started. Of women. Of beautiful, sexy, erotic, alluring women. With soft curves, with warm breasts, with dreams of a first kiss. With promises of another life, another kind of relationship.

I was over 40 years old, but I was lost. Again.