In an ordinary relationship, I'll (almost) always look to the needs of my partner. I'll adjust, I'll make an effort and I'll try to be there if I sense he needs me to be there, even if all I want to do is hide under a blanket (or chat with my lover). If we both stick to that rule, we'll both have the longterm security we're looking for, knowing both will set their own needs aside for the other.
In an erotic relationship, each tends to her or his own needs. If I'm aroused, or feel like I wouldn't mind becoming aroused, I'll talk. If not, it's probably better to stay quiet. If we both stick to that rule, we'll (mostly) meet in immediate arousal, in lust, stemming from true desire and not from a attempt to be accommodating.
Today I've been in a sad mood, wanting to be cared for. So today, I haven't talked. I still had the need for a release, but chose to have it with myself. Tending to my needs.
Or maybe I'm just accomodating after all, wanting to spare him my low mood and deep thoughts. Maybe I'm looking to his needs - knowing that I won't even come close to satisfying them when I'm feeling like this. Maybe I'm just afraid of boring him completely by not being what he wants me to be.
Either way. I came to thoughts of my liking. It was intense, and good... and just a tad lonely.
i have those days. i call them pensive. it's okay and they pass.
ReplyDeleteIt could be you accommodating… self reflection is not an easy thing to tackle. I would tend to say in such situations that keeping your 'real life' emotions and down days separate may be an attempt to not sully the waters of the perfect arrangement you now have. After all, when we bring such people into the depths of our day to day moods and problems there is always the fear that it will somehow change everything, or even worse, morph the relationship into 'ordinary', which is what we already share with our daily partners.
ReplyDeleteFeel better soon.
That Girl - It helps to know it's not just me.
ReplyDeleteTats - Interesting point. You're probably right. But is sullying the waters a good thing or a bad thing? I think we have before, and it has only made for a greater intimacy... not sure why it scares me now? Perhaps we've distanced ourselves since then? Or grown so close that more sullying would definitely make us cross over into "ordinary"?
I read this post before I wrote my own but I hadn't had time to really reflect on what it meant for me. (I too am a slow thinker.. or perhaps a better way of putting it is that we need more time to digest what we've heard/read)
ReplyDeleteThe two posts are pretty related I think. We've both touched on two sides of the same problem. And I'm sure there are many more sides.
You're right though, my fear is exactly that, ruining things by exposing myself... reaching out too much. The only way I find that I can balance things is by not reaching out when I really want to... It all depends in this case on Rob's character. I think being overly "wanting" and "needy" which I often am, scares him off. So if I back off, he creeps back. And that's the ebb and flow that I feel I guess. My backing off lures him back in, and then I've backed off ... and it's a cycle.
As for what Tats says, it makes sense, and the questions you've asked are also good ones. I think that there has to be a certain sullying of the waters so that things are a little deeper than just the superficial sex stuff. It wouldn't be so interesting if there weren't emotions involved. And not just the good ones either. It has to be a balance of superficial and sully...