I was talking with good friend G before, and came to the conclusion that being married is like deciding on a long term diet that will, hopefully, make you stay more or less healthy throughout life, while having a lover is like choosing the food that will give you the most satisfaction right here, right now - which makes for a slightly different choice.
It's so unfair to my husband.
As if that wasn't enough, having a lover makes me struggle less to make things work, sexually, with my husband (and in this respect I don't think there's much difference between an online lover and a real life one, at least not to me, right now).
Even more unfair.
I like to think that having a lover makes me care less, or not at all, about the things that aren't working very well between me and my husband. Like the fact that I'm not attracted to him, or the fact that I don't have the kind of arousal I want with him, and thus not the kind of sex I want/need.
None of those things matter much now that I'm getting it somewhere else - which makes me appreciate all the good things I have with my husband (and they are many).
I suspect I'm rationalizing big time. What do you think?
I just found your blog last week and have enjoyed reading it...there is a unique quality to the way in which you explore your awakening and the relationship you have developed with S. While my voyeuristic desires make me wish you would share more details about the nature of your fantasies...the taboo...and how deeply they arouse, I appreciate the way in which you maintain your focus on the physical and emotional effects.
ReplyDeleteThis whole phenomena of online relationships has been a "game-changer" for so many of us over the past 20 years. It, I have finally come to admit, has redefined infidelity and the emotional entanglements that pull our attentions from the immediate. This particular post explores the reality of that with depth and understanding...so succinctly, with emotion, and so few words.
And, yes, you are rationalizing...it is one of my favorite psychological expressions...reconciling the cognitive differences between what you know should be and want gives you nourishment.
Thank you, Johanna...btw, is the blog name a play on "Visions of Johanna"?...one of my favorite Dylan songs.
Anonymous - what an extraordinarily well-written and insightful comment!
ReplyDeleteYou're definitely right in that online relationships redefine infidelity... there is the eternal wish to understand it by comparing it to something else, but so far I've come up with nothing (except, of course, a real life affair - the difference between online and real merits a post of its own, and I hope I'll write it sometime soon because I've given it a lot of thought).
I've re-read your comment a couple of times and I'll admit that the words "should be" have made me stop and think each time... it's a huge question, of moral and guilt and duty, and stirs a lot of thoughts.
Several readers have pointed out that they'd like to know more about those secret, forbidden fantasies, but so far, my need for sharing those is fully satisfied by telling S (and even that is a challenge sometimes). My own voyeuristic desires make me wish that you, and all other anonymous commenters and readers, would have blogs of your own... yours, among others, would make for a very interesting read I'm sure.
There is a bit of more history behind the name of the blog, but I'm very glad it made you think of the song... yes, there's definitely a connection to it.
We all try to rationalize. I don't really know what to say to this, but I have a great relationship with my husband, sexual and otherwise. I just like having others. I don't know why its so simple for me, but it is. I do understand where you're coming from and I struggle with my choices every day.
ReplyDeleteAwwwe! How sad that he doesn't know what a freak you are....think of all that your husband is missing. I love your blog, cuz you are soo naughty!
ReplyDeleteI don't envy you this connundrum, Johanna - but you are not alone http://cliveskink.blogspot.com/2011/02/my-wife-and-i.html
ReplyDeleteIn my case, I believe that, providing I maintain my boundaries, 'scratching the itch' will ensure that it never damages my brilliant marriage
Hugs Clive
clive - yes, that's my favourite way of seeing it too, and it's definitely one of the truths. But the new forms of communication I've found over the past year or two, and the new topics I've discussed, with new people, have also made me ask new questions about other aspects of my marriage... which is a good thing, but not always easy. Oh well, part of evolving...
ReplyDelete