Had a disastrous morning with S today.
It could have been so good. It was definitely not his fault that it wasn't.
I was in a non-erotic mood, as I often am just after ovulation - it's purely hormonal. But talking with him helped of course, and I agreed to send the video I'd made yesterday, even though it only met half of the requests he'd made. Needless to say, he wanted to see it anyway.
The technicalities of sending it (I have to learn ftp!) brought me down a little, but it worked after a while, and he started watching. And that's where things went very wrong.
I watched it simultaneously, but we didn't talk, which I think was a mistake. While I was watching it, all I could think of was that I looked horrible (since I was on my back in a dark room, with camera in front of me... not the most flattering camera angle... god, I'm blushing as I'm thinking about it now) and that the words coming out of my mouth were mostly unintelligible (since I was about to come, which makes it a little difficult to focus, to say the least). Somehow, true and honest pleasure doesn't look at all as neat and tidy as it does in porn clips, at least not when I'm in it!
So there I was, quietly watching for a rather long time... sweating, blushing... and imagining him watching it, and being disgusted by it... Which he wasn't (at least I don't think so), but when he did talk, and said he loved it, I was so freaked out that just couldn't believe him. I still don't know if I can, though he kept saying sweet things for a while.
He wanted to call me, but I was upset and sad, and just couldn't face him.
I've decided to prepare a little better the next time, to work up to it a little more - showing an intimate video like that to someone is almost like having sex; I think I need a little more foreplay! And above all, I'll make him talk on the phone while he's watching. I'm not going to wait too long with this, or I have the feeling I'll never do it.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about this, and I've been in a really bad mood most day. When I sensed a headache developing, I figured I needed to masturbate to relieve some of the tension. I think I also wanted to restore some confidence in experiencing that my body can give pleasure - if not to onlookers, then at least to me. And it could. It wasn't extraordinarily good, but I do feel a little back on track.
For one thing, I'm sure you looked sexy and wonderful. It's something that I've noticed myself.. I hate pictures or video that I take of myself, they make me self conscious and I feel ugly. But others seem to like them.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I've learned though is to watch what I'm doing. So I use the cam built into to the computer to take pictures so I can see what the final result will be on the computer screen.
Doing things with a tripod and camera without seeing what effects your getting is difficult and it's easy that you'll hate the final result. Next time you could try hooking the camcorder (if that's what you were using) up to the tv (if you know how... I don't!) so that you can watch yourself make the vid. It's pretty sexy (I love watching myself). I always use my computer cam. It's just so much easier because you can see everything while it's happening.
I could not agree with Cande any more. I am also sure you looked amazing.
ReplyDeletePorn clips to have the tendency to be rather fake. Some are hot I guess, but I would much rather have a visual from a woman I am involved with any day. It is more sexy and sensual and real to me. Plus sexy words tend to arouse me much more quickly.
You say that your words were not intelligible, but see Johanna, this is the whole beauty of the erotic aspect of it all. You were being yourself and "in the moment" and this is real and so sexy, at least to me.
Please try not to feel guilt or shame or anything negative for being upset and sad and not thrilled with how all this may have went. Your feelings are very important, and all this is new to you. Some things you may be more comfortable with at first than others. Maybe next time it will go better. It is all part of the exploration process.
What's important here is what you know yourself to be, rather than what came across on film. Rather than focusing on you, you should be disappointed that the film didn't really get across the true 'you'. Now, that being said, when taking pictures or filming, it doesn't seem to make sense that if you're trying to hide (or minimize) some attribute that more light would be a good thing, but trust me, shadows cause by murky lighting will always make you look worse.
ReplyDeleteNext time you film, try shooting a clip (you can act, you don't have to really get in to it) with every single light on in the room. If it's sunny, open the blinds and let in some natural light. If you tend to do these things at night, use a gooseneck light to shine towards you. If none of this is feasible, switch out for a higher wattage bulb to get some light in there. When you think it's really too bright, you've probably got the correct amount of light. Then turn it all off to where you think you would feel comfortable with the lighting, and only when you've done both, view the results. I think you might be surprised.
Or give me a call and I'll come over and film you ;)
Seriously though, be disappointed in the clip, not yourself.
Cande - thanks for reassurance, and for really useful tips! I did watch myself, however... both while filming, and once after - which is why I felt safe enough to send it in the first place. But that was yesterday, and I was sort of in an intoxicated state - not alcohol-induced or anything, but lost in arousal... and that made me view it differently. I can only hope my lover watched it with those arousal-drunken eyes, lol...
ReplyDeleteAnon - I agree, being yourself is important... and I was, and I'm glad that I was. Watching myself IS very new to me, and that's actually why I made that first film many months ago, and why I want to make these as well. I think it's an important step to viewing myself a little differently, accepting myself as a sexual being... definitely a part of the exploration process. I think I just need more practice (and maybe lose a couple of pounds, lol)... Thanks for your comment!
ReplyDeleteRed - It's all part of life, the insecurity, the poor lighting... I wasn't hiding myself so much as hiding from someone else who was in the house, lol. If I aim for perfection I'll never get these videos done... but I'll try to work on the lighting, as much as it's possible under the circumstances - thanks for the tip. Having someone film me is a very interesting option, that's perhaps not the next step but definitely something I'll want to look into in the future, as I get more comfortable with things. I might be moving half a step at a time, but I am moving forward, lol!
ReplyDeleteOh and if I do get around to having someone film me sometime in the future... G, if you're reading this, you're definitely my top candidate for the job. Sorry Red :-)
ReplyDeleteI was mostly just going to do it in my fantasies. You live too far away!
ReplyDeleteYou are welcome for the comment Johanna.
ReplyDeleteSee, in relation to your reply to Red, this is exactly what I mean. You may be moving a half step at a time and not five steps at once, but you are moving along at your own pace. Thus, you are in control of the situations that you choose to explore and in control of your own sexuality. So, so sexy. To me it is more sensual that you are not rushing into it all and going in smaller steps because it makes it more real and it gives you the chance to really analyze and reflect on what you are doing while taking your time to enjoy these moments to the maximum effect. You have been moving forward very nicely!
One thing we forget is that even when we choose to give control over to someone else, it still is (or should be) a conscious choice for us to initially agree to do this and thus we are still the director so to speak. This is how it should be.
Practice does make perfect, you are right about that.
I will not even comment much on the comment about needing to lose a couple of pounds other than to suggest that women are supposed to have curves and to me this is quite sexy as well!
I've only made one video and I HATED it. I like porn, but I cannot watch myself fuck and I definitely can't watch myself masturbate. I'm just not into it, I get grossed out and weird, self conscious, and just feel blah....Its not my thing but maybe one day I could come around to it. I destroyed the video I made with the hub, I really hated it and I didn't like him "using" it either. Silly, I know.
ReplyDeleteMediocrity - That's really interesting! It's good to hear that it's not something that works on the first try for everyone. I'll give it a few more tries, since I really enjoyed watching myself while I was doing it, and was really turned on by the thought of sending it to my lover, but I'll be open to the possibility that it's not for me. Thanks for commenting, I really appreciate getting different perspectives on this.
ReplyDeleteMaybe that's what I've been doing... watching myself during.. but keep away from it after... otherwise I start noticing the fat, dimples, rolls and weird things that I don't want other people to look at. lol
ReplyDeleteJohanna, I like to look at it like this I guess. I am not all that and do not have the looks of a male model. Ugh, I hate my curly hair I think the most. Many women love it and say the would pay for my curls, welll they can have them, trust me1
ReplyDeleteI am not awful looking mind you, and have played soccer for over 20 years, but the point is that I know that my amazing and wonderful girlfriend likes the way I look and she is turned on by me. So when we are doing anything sexual, I do not look at myself and what to I perceive as my own faults. I know that she likes how I look and so I do not think about it and just let go. If I were to think about all of the things I hate about myself or about how odd the sexual things I am doing may or may not look, I would not be able to enjoy myself at all.
So do not give up and if it is meant to be something you enjoy and what you are comfortable with then it will work out for you, just know that you are on the right path, my friend.