#86, March 28, morning

During a brief morning chat today with friend G, I found myself blurting out: "I miss my arousal so much I'm going mad".

Even as I typed it, I saw that it was a ridiculous thing to say. I've been confined to bed more or less for three days, and even though it was just a stomach flu, I can't remember being this sick for years. I haven't been able to keep my eyes open, I've been in and out of fever, I haven't eaten a thing since Friday and I've been sleeping with a bucket next to my pillow. I should have said "I miss my appetite", or "I miss my energy", or simply "I don't want to be sick anymore".

Instead I said I missed my arousal... and after thinking about it for a while after we'd finished talking, I realized why.

I have the experience of losing my lust, completely, and I do mean completely, due to serious illness (and of course I'm not talking about stomach flu). The lust I'd lost didn't return, at all, for years. In fact, it didn't return, at all, until I decided to make it return. And I did so only because the lack of it was killing my marriage.

Well, suffice it to say: I found it. I was shocked by the force of it, and the fact that it came in so different shapes and colours than I'd expected it to. I never managed to bring my husband up to speed with what I'd found (though, for a while, I actually did try). Instead, it became the start of the journey which I'm still on, and which this blog has become part of (and whether it is killing or saving my marriage is up for debate).

That was a couple of years ago. Since then, my arousal has been my trusted friend, and it has stayed with me through minor illnesses and ailments. This is the first time it has left me, and it had me terrified.

Today I'm feeling a little better, with emphasis on little. I didn't really feel like masturbating, but I think I just had to prove to myself that it's coming back, that it's still there.

It was. I watched a couple of clips, thought some thoughts, and there it was. The arousal. Followed by a soft, long, beautiful orgasm.

I'm incredibly relieved to know it's still there. And I'm sure G is right in saying masturbation is a good cure.