#90, March 31, afternoon

In an ordinary relationship, I'll (almost) always look to the needs of my partner. I'll adjust, I'll make an effort and I'll try to be there if I sense he needs me to be there, even if all I want to do is hide under a blanket (or chat with my lover). If we both stick to that rule, we'll both have the longterm security we're looking for, knowing both will set their own needs aside for the other.

In an erotic relationship, each tends to her or his own needs. If I'm aroused, or feel like I wouldn't mind becoming aroused, I'll talk. If not, it's probably better to stay quiet. If we both stick to that rule, we'll (mostly) meet in immediate arousal, in lust, stemming from true desire and not from a attempt to be accommodating.

Today I've been in a sad mood, wanting to be cared for. So today, I haven't talked. I still had the need for a release, but chose to have it with myself. Tending to my needs.

Or maybe I'm just accomodating after all, wanting to spare him my low mood and deep thoughts. Maybe I'm looking to his needs - knowing that I won't even come close to satisfying them when I'm feeling like this. Maybe I'm just afraid of boring him completely by not being what he wants me to be.

Either way. I came to thoughts of my liking. It was intense, and good... and just a tad lonely.

#89, March 30, afternoon

There are so many emotions, I wish I could put them all into words. Something to do with my role as a woman, or perhaps as a sexual being - I've never felt more secure, but I've never challenged myself more than I'm doing now.

This afternoon, S and I picked up where we left off last night. When he told me he was able to call, I told him I wanted to chat for a while first, for which I'm glad. It made it so much more intense.

I'm amazed he'll play out this fantasy with me. It's scary for me, changing the image I have of myself... we've done it before, but it's been a while now. I know he finds it arousing, but probably not as much as I do (for which I certainly don't blame him). We solved it elegantly by first doing my version of the fantasy (which made me come), then his (which made him come). (Hearing him come is so hot... I wish I was better at multiples.) Indeed, in fantasy anything is possible.

Afterwards we spent some time, first on phone and then moving back to chat, coming down together... which was lovely, almost better than the sex itself.

#88, March 29, night

Loved talking with S again. Loved lying in the dark, typing, setting my imagination free - so free I'm only capable of when I'm with him. Thoughts just fly freely, there's nothing stopping them. And as so often, our conversation took a direction none of us had expected when we started.

But then he had to stop talking. God, I was so frustrated. I just wanted to go on and on and on... and I needed to come, so badly.

I went looking for clips on the topic we had explored, but it was sort of a new to me and I didn't really know what to look for... by now my arousal started to dip a little, and I felt it slipping away. Worked harder, and actually came, but only just.

And just then I realized what I was really looking for, and oddly, felt a surge of arousal, though I'd just come. What a waste, I wish I had waited. It could have been so much better.

Oh well. Can't be fantastic every time. Talking was wonderful, but the orgasm - honestly, not so much.

#87, March 29, afternoon

I've been worrying a little about only having exchanged the odd short message with S over the last few days, though I know there have been obvious explanations. Today we've talked a couple of times, and it has been both emotional and reassuring. Of course he's still there... don't know why I keep doubting it?

But when I started daydreaming (to be honest, about his cock - maybe this is a bit too much information, but he has such a completely delicious cock. I've only seen pictures of course, but god it looks good), I didn't go online to look for him, but watched a clip instead.

In a way, I feel that when starting an erotic conversation, it's a little bit like making a promise: that I'll follow it through, not change my mind, not back out. And I still felt a little unsure whether or not my newly reinstated arousal would stand the test.

I shouldn't have worried though. I came to the clip, which made me wish that I'd talked with S instead. I so miss talking and playing and masturbating and coming with him. Oh well, there will be other times.

I'm definitely back on track.

#86, March 28, morning

During a brief morning chat today with friend G, I found myself blurting out: "I miss my arousal so much I'm going mad".

Even as I typed it, I saw that it was a ridiculous thing to say. I've been confined to bed more or less for three days, and even though it was just a stomach flu, I can't remember being this sick for years. I haven't been able to keep my eyes open, I've been in and out of fever, I haven't eaten a thing since Friday and I've been sleeping with a bucket next to my pillow. I should have said "I miss my appetite", or "I miss my energy", or simply "I don't want to be sick anymore".

Instead I said I missed my arousal... and after thinking about it for a while after we'd finished talking, I realized why.

I have the experience of losing my lust, completely, and I do mean completely, due to serious illness (and of course I'm not talking about stomach flu). The lust I'd lost didn't return, at all, for years. In fact, it didn't return, at all, until I decided to make it return. And I did so only because the lack of it was killing my marriage.

Well, suffice it to say: I found it. I was shocked by the force of it, and the fact that it came in so different shapes and colours than I'd expected it to. I never managed to bring my husband up to speed with what I'd found (though, for a while, I actually did try). Instead, it became the start of the journey which I'm still on, and which this blog has become part of (and whether it is killing or saving my marriage is up for debate).

That was a couple of years ago. Since then, my arousal has been my trusted friend, and it has stayed with me through minor illnesses and ailments. This is the first time it has left me, and it had me terrified.

Today I'm feeling a little better, with emphasis on little. I didn't really feel like masturbating, but I think I just had to prove to myself that it's coming back, that it's still there.

It was. I watched a couple of clips, thought some thoughts, and there it was. The arousal. Followed by a soft, long, beautiful orgasm.

I'm incredibly relieved to know it's still there. And I'm sure G is right in saying masturbation is a good cure.

#85, March 25, mid-day

I was thinking about last night... and just had to squeeze in a quick orgasm, between work and errands.

#84, March 24, night

Crossed another line tonight. S was alone for the night, and we ended up calling, twice. I can't believe we talked (whispered) while my husband was asleep just a few metres away.

We had decided earlier that we'd talk at night - talk, as in chat, online. The evening went by really slowly, I couldn't wait to get into bed, open my laptop, log in... not sure what made it so different, because honestly, we talk most nights... but this felt special, like we had a date.

We typed for a couple of hours first, and then he called... hearing his voice whispering to me, in the middle of the night.... god, it was so insanely, incredibly hot. I heard him come, and I was really close myself, but I was scared I wouldn't be able to keep quiet so I couldn't quite get there. But it was lovely to hear him... and after typing a bit more I just wanted more of him, and asked him to call me again to bring me over the edge, make me come... and he did.

What a night.

Lovers and husbands

I was talking with good friend G before, and came to the conclusion that being married is like deciding on a long term diet that will, hopefully, make you stay more or less healthy throughout life, while having a lover is like choosing the food that will give you the most satisfaction right here, right now - which makes for a slightly different choice.

It's so unfair to my husband.

As if that wasn't enough, having a lover makes me struggle less to make things work, sexually, with my husband (and in this respect I don't think there's much difference between an online lover and a real life one, at least not to me, right now).

Even more unfair.

I like to think that having a lover makes me care less, or not at all, about the things that aren't working very well between me and my husband. Like the fact that I'm not attracted to him, or the fact that I don't have the kind of arousal I want with him, and thus not the kind of sex I want/need.

None of those things matter much now that I'm getting it somewhere else - which makes me appreciate all the good things I have with my husband (and they are many).

I suspect I'm rationalizing big time. What do you think?

#83, March 24, afternoon

A little while ago a couple of events coincided - I stumbled upon an online photo, I was expecting a special guest. Together, they triggered a completely forbidden but highly erotic fantasy - so forbidden that I felt more shame than pleasure.

I messaged S, who very quickly tipped the scales in favour of pleasure. Ten minutes later I was relaxed and released.

I'd never, ever tell my husband, of course. I'd never tell anyone, except S. If it was only me, I'd brood over it over and over again, and get completely lost in feelings of shame and fear.

But it's not only me. I couldn't talk with S for very long afterwards, but I know that I can tell him anything and everything, and I know that if I'm still confused about this later he'll help me figure it out.

Which sort of makes me want to rush off and masturbate again...

#82, March 23, afternoon

I'm taking some time to indulge today. I've been unusually busy with work over the last few weeks, but things are finally slowing down now.

So I settled down on the bed. I think I've only watched one full length porn movie before in my life, so this was my second one. It was from 1976... I got through half, then I just had to come.

A very good day, so far.

#81, March 22, night

I wanted it all day, and it was worth the wait, and more. But I won't write about this, not now. I'm feeling all cuddly and relaxed, and I don't want to ruin that feeling. I might write more about it in the morning... but then again, I might not.

Mmm, I feel good.

#80, March 21, night

I practiced some self discipline last night. After half an hour of small talk, I told S I needed to catch up on sleep. And what good did that do me?! I slept well and long, but woke up this morning more tired than ever.

So tonight we talked. I find myself being able to tell him more and more of my most embarrassing fantasies, which is odd, since I thought I'd already told him everything. Apparently, I've only just started.

He had to leave, but those embarrassing fantasies just kept coming, as I went on to give myself a much needed release.

#79, March 19, late night

Things are so intense right now. Chatted with S for three hours tonight, completely aroused most of the time. I finally managed to say goodnight... but was too aroused to sleep and had to make myself come.

Lack of sleep is getting to be a real problem. Every morning when I wake up, I'm determined not to talk the following night, only sleep. And then one hour later I've changed my mind. I need to come up with a way to make sure I get a little more sleep. I don't know how, I just can't resist him.

#78, March 18, late night

Had a very emotional conversation with S tonight, to the point where I was actually crying. Not in a sad way, and not because of anything he said, but just because he makes me realize things about myself, things buried so deep inside me. Things I have never discussed with anyone else. He makes me feel so very good about myself.

I didn't think we'd go from there to actually fantasizing, masturbating, playing... but we did. It got very late, he had to leave. I watched a film he'd told me that he'd come to earlier in the day, and the orgasm that followed felt like a release not so much for my arousal as for all those feelings, all that intensity.

I feel empty, in a good way...as if I've gotten rid of old junk.

#76 & # 77, March 18, afternoon

I don't really have time to write the full story right now, so here's the fast version:

1. Bad timing this morning. When I learned that S was working from home, I had already gotten out of the house to work someplace else for the day. There went the phone sex. Or so I thought.

2. A plan took shape. Worked with unparallelled efficiency, and then went to my favourite little shop downtown to look for new vibrator. Chatted with S from the store, which got me in the right mood to buy a rather expensive, slender, pink rabbit.

3. Managed to hurt no one on my way home, though I was a very unfocused driver, with a black inconspicuous bag next to me.

4. Got home, undressed, put batteries in the toy, messaged S, who immediately called. Phone sex followed.

5. I was overwhelmed by the new sensations from the rabbit, and though I could tell S was not really close to coming, I quickly decided not to care. How I love hearing him whisper "come for me"... that alone could probably have made me come. And so I did.

6. With rabbit still inside me, though turned off due to radically heightened sensitivity, the fantasy continued. As it progressed, I discreetely turned the rabbit back on, and upon hearing S quietly moan that he was coming, I, unexpectedly, came a second time.

7. Time to pick up the kids, after a day well spent.

#75, March 17, night

Long, slow, hot, taboo... both S and I were probing, moving along boundaries... but we know each other so well by now, we don't have to be too careful. I felt a little too ashamed to tell him exactly everything, and he knew it. I will, eventually, and he knows that too.

I loved the sleepy pillowtalk afterwards. We don't do that very often, since it always gets so late. I think we said goodnight at least three times, but then we just kept talking.

When it comes to very taboo topics, it's so unbelievably liberating to realize that there is an absolute and uncrossable border between real and fantasy. I've met people in chat who made me doubt whether that line was there for them, and those were some scary experiences. I know it is there for me, and for him, and that makes me feel safe enough to tell him absolutely everything - every nasty masturbation fantasy, every taboo daydream.

There is so much pleasure involved, but above all I'm getting to know myself, and I'm learning that I can show myself in utter, complete honesty to another person (and to myself!), all of me, nothing hidden, without fear of judgement. That's something that I think a lot of people never get to experience, ever.

#74, March 16, night

I came to bed tonight knowing that I'd make myself come before I slept. It had been two days, but it has seemed longer to me. I haven't had the opportunity to be alone during the day, and last night... ok, to be honest, I have to admit that I waited for S. I so wanted to talk... and then when he came online, we basically just said goodnight. He had an early meeting and needed to sleep.

I didn't mind though. There have been times when it would have made me nervous, or terribly disappointed, but right now we just seem to be so sure of each other, at least me of him... I love that feeling, and I don't really expect it to stay, so I'm just enjoying it.

Anyway, I wanted to go on on my own, but by then it was really late, and I was so sleepy, so I didn't get around to it. And this whole day I've felt that itch, that urge... I've planned it, I've looked forward to it, I've teased myself, I've allowed S to tease me, I've daydreamed and I've touched. But I haven't come.

So when S came online tonight, I was in the mood, to say the least. We talked about something that's a bit new to both of us. I was so turned on, and then he just disappeared in the middle of things.

Oh well. I did what I had to do, on my own, and it felt wonderful. Sometimes waiting isn't such a bad idea. And sometimes it's just out of the question.

#73, March 14, night

I don't know what was with me tonight. Maybe it was that half orgasm earlier, that called for a release all day all evening. Maybe it was the quickie with husband, which was surprising and hot, but short and unsatisfying. Maybe I was plain horny.

Whatever it was, I got so tremendously aroused by talking with S tonight. Usually, we get into a scenario, but tonight we just talked, about this and that - very erotic this and that, of course, but not a fantasy with a start and an end.

But I thought that since I felt so good, I might just touch a little... and then things just happened. I felt myself getting close, so very quickly. I barely had time to tell him before I came. It was like going down a slide - after a certain point, stopping just isn't an option.

He didn't have a chance to follow - not that I know if he'd have wanted to; he seemed very sleepy. I felt a little bad, but mostly I felt great - deep down I know he didn't mind, and I think I really needed it.

#72 and a half, March 14, mid-day

I'm not alone in the house today. That didn't stop me from chatting with S, of course. I was in a mood... he had me wet and squirming on the chair just by telling me what he was wearing. An hour later I was hiding in the downstairs toilet, with mini vibe and delicious fantasies.

There were twitches, throbs and trembles - but was it an orgasm? I honestly don't think it's always possible to tell. But come to think of it... I still have that urge, that tingle, that craving to touch... so okay, it probably wasn't.

I won't assign it a number of its own, but it doesn't really matter, does it.

#72, March 13, afternoon

Just a quick release before family gets home... still thinking about the scenario from last night. (And the night before that. And...)

#71, March 12, late night

Sometimes, with S, things seem to be slowing down. It has happened countless times already, and each time it has made me reluctantly try to mentally adjust to the fact that we may one day be once-every-three-weeks-or-so kind of lovers.

And then... we just get into, oh I don't know, a flow. A streak. A fantasy so hot that we just can't help ourselves. So hot that we both spend way too much time thinking about it, and just wait for the next chance to continue weaving that fantasy together. So hot that everything else is put on hold. And when we do find the time to talk, there are almost visible sparks.

Tonight was one of those nights.

And as if that wasn't enough - tonight, in the middle of things, he asked me to text him something.

I've never texted him. He's never texted me. We chat, and we talk on phone, and we email, but we don't text. I've never even given him my mobile number.

Well he has it now. And though it was just a short intermission, a very brief message, it still feels like a big thing to me.

Oh, and I intend to sleep naked tonight. I usually don't, I haven't really ever been in the habit of doing that, and I'm afraid my husband would start wondering if I suddenly started to, especially seeing as we're in separate bedrooms.

But he's not at home, so I'm enjoying the feel of warm, naked skin now.

#70, March 12, afternoon

It's Saturday, and my husband and the kids have left to spend the night away from home. I have to work over the weekend so I couldn't go along. Even though I work from home every day, it's a special feeling knowing they will be far away and that I'll have the house to myself for over 24 hours.

Knowing that everyone that has a key to the house were in a car, heading away from town, I took a seat in the sofa, my ass hitched forward to the edge, my legs spread wide and resting comfortably on the sofa table, laptop on my stomach. I watched a really hot clip of two women, one mature and one younger, with vibe in hand (I, not the women in the clip - they were all hands and tongues). As usual, as I came closer to a climax, I closed my eyes, forgot about the clip, and turned to my own fantasy instead.

I expect there will be more before family comes back tomorrow evening.

#69, March 11, late night

I've been so crazy busy with work, and haven't been able to talk much the last day or two. But tonight S and I had a lovely, lovely fantasy... completely without limits, completely devoted to maximum pleasure. One of the things I've really learned with him is to not be scared of my own imagination.

And now I'm in the dark, naked, relaxed, my skin hot and still a little sweaty. I'm alone... but my thoughts are still in that fantasy, and I know his are too, over there, in his dark room far away.

We've talked for so long now, but never met. I've fantasized about it so many times, and it's such a tempting thought. But could it ever be as good as this? When you're physically with someone, that person pretty much counts on you to know what he (or she) is thinking and feeling. When we're typing back and forth, we're forced to tell each other of every new image in our minds, every new sensation, every reaction to each other's words... it's so honest, so revealing. (And such an unbelievable turn on.)

I feel so good right now. I love having this in my life. And now I must sleep.

#68, March 10, morning

I was still aroused, thinking back on the phone call earlier this morning. Had to go again, this time on my own.

#67, March 10, morning

A few days ago in the evening, I was chatting back and forth with S as I was making dinner. I don't know what he was doing in between messages; working I suppose.

It was one of those conversations that wasn't going to end in a climax for any of us. Most conversations are like that with us, we both just enjoy the feeling. I love the contrast between a throbbing arousal and those everyday chores, moving between the dishwasher and the fridge. As soon as I was finished cooking I had to go, but I remember being in a good mood all evening.

This morning, inspired by the heat of last night, we continued the fantasy from the other day, but this time over the phone. I was really turned on by hearing his voice, but I wasn't really about to come. I could tell he was though... and when I heard his moans of pleasure, there was a sharp, sudden shift inside me, like a new gear. I love, love, love that feeling of both relief and tension, when I know I'm going to come. It's like riding a bike up a steep hill, and then suddenly you reach level ground... and your tired body knows that moments later, you'll let go of the pedals and just enjoy the downhill ride.

He heard it, and started talking faster, in a whispering voice, driving me on... and a minute later, I came, convulsing, panting, moaning.

#66, March 9, night

The troublesome situation resolved itself, as if by magic. It was a huge relief, that took some time to sink in.

At night S came online. I had sent him a new video just before the troubles started, but he hadn't been able to watch it until tonight. It inspired a new fantasy, that very quickly got very intense. Dirty, almost rough.... it felt so very good travelling that path of increasing arousal with him, knowing we were both so turned on, both touching, both getting close... both coming.

After a couple of days of almost no activity I'm falling behind with work, and I should have slept in order to make it through the next few days of almost around the clock work. But I imagine this gave more energy than sleep would have.

#65, March 9, afternoon

I'm still troubled by something that's going on in my real life. And as long as I am, I don't seem to want to get overly erotic with anyone but myself.

Normally, I love sharing those moments of arousal, getting turned on together... and, with any bit of luck, in one way or another, climaxing together.

Now is different. Obviously, I still need that stress relief - I just don't feel like sharing it with anyone.

Why? I don't know. Perhaps because I'm not in the mood people normally expect me to be while I'm engaged in erotic activities, which is difficult communicating. Perhaps there's an element of shame as well, and my subconscious doesn't seem to care when I tell it that my relaxation and pleasure will not make the worrisome situation any worse.

So this afternoon I watched a clip, and got off, and that was that.

#64, March 8, afternoon

Feels odd to post this, but I will anyway.

I was in the middle of a couple of erotic activities. I had just made a new video for S, which I was very happy with (both the making and the result, hooray), and I was chatting with J.

Then I got some pretty bad news, over the phone.

After, I was very upset. I wanted the arousal from before to go away - it felt inappropriate. But it wouldn't, so I masturbated, and came.

In a way, it was good to think about something else for a couple of minutes. Still leaves me with a strange feeling.

Marriage and affairs

My marriage isn't bad enough for me to want to leave, but it isn't good enough for me to want to stay the rest of my life either. We're basically good friends. That's a good thing, but honestly, I don't think it's good enough.

We have young children. The reasons for me to move on - a longing for adventure, for independency, for great sex - are not important enough to break up their family.

I wish I was younger. 40 something is a good age for me, but the way I picture my future, I might allow myself a little more freedom in 10 years or so. By then I'll be 50 something. I can definitely still have an adventurous life, but what about the great sex...? Who will lust for an old lady? This worries me a little.

That hasn't stopped me from making plans. If I am indeed going to leave, I will want 1) a gorgeous body and 2) a better income. So I'm starting an exercise regimen, and diversifying my business a little :-)

Of course, I'm not just sitting around, waiting for those 10 years to go by. I've gotten off to a really good start chatting, exploring... I can't believe how much has happened this past year or two, and I'm so grateful for having met some extraordinary persons to help me along. Most of all S, of course, but others as well.

In the years to come, I'd be disappointed if I didn't have a real life affair (or two, or three) as well, while still married. But given how emotional I am (and that has actually surprised me), maybe I should stay away from it...?

Oh well, it's not something I need to think about right now anyway. As my friend G said yesterday, when I told him I wanted an affair: "No you don't, you'd feel like you were cheating on S". And he's right. For now, I don't want, or need, anyone else. (Except for our joint little adventures, that is...)

#63, March 7, afternoon

Nothing special. Just your regular afternoon orgasm. Took a break from work (for those of you who wonder: I work from home) and watched a couple of clips, but in the end I was better off closing my eyes and pitching in some of those taboo fantasies from yesterday.

Enjoyable and relaxing, but not much more.

#62, March 6, night

Tonight, I actually told S what I had imagined as I came in the car earlier today. I never thought I would. I never thought I'd tell anyone this much, about anything really.

I have a way of creating a dream landscape in my head, with carachters that interact in the most intricate ways. I told him about that universe tonight.

He disappeared just as we had started imagining something, a scene with him and me. When I realized he was gone I returned to my forbidden universe, and came a few minutes later.

I feel good now, sleepy... but I miss coming with him, truly with him. It's been a while. And I think about J... she had some exciting plans when we talked the three of us two nights ago. I'm wondering if she made it happen.

#61, March 6, mid-day

Today I was out shopping. Weekends can be a little frustrating, as I don't get much alone time. So when I opened the messenger in my phone, I was very happy to get a message from S.

We started talking about the weather, which was sunny and spring-like both in his and my end... and ended up outlining a very taboo scenario. God, I love those.

I was in my car, parked outside a shopping centre, with lots of people around. When I realized I needed to touch myself I drove to an off-side parking space nearby and pulled my tights down.

Yes, I'm ashamed of it. And yes, I realize it's an addiction, and as such, perhaps not very healthy. But god, it was good. The car was filled with the scent of my arousal, and as I got closer and closer, I looked less and less often in the rear view mirror. I'm not sure I will tell S about the thoughts that ran through my mind the minutes before I came.

After, it felt deliciously depraved stepping out of the car, discreetly pulling my tights up and my dress down, and going into the store.

#60, March 4, late night

...and what a night.

Finally - the three of us in the same chat window. All of us so eager, so aroused... Three hungry mouths kissing, three hot bodies sliding against each other. With some practice we'll probably learn not to talk all at once, but it was one intense experience.

Technically, it wasn't as smooth as one would think things would be in 2011. One Linux pc and two iPhones... Two continents, three countries... it was tricky, but J worked it out. Tons of desire and steaming arousal came through in a scroll that moved at a furious pace. Amazing.

S disappeared from the conference at a crucial moment, maybe because of technical issues, or perhaps interrupted at home... I missed him terribly as I started to relax.

I want more.

#59, March 4, mid-day (updated)

I had a lovely conversation with J earlier today. Unexpectedly, it turned into a slow, seductive play... with wet nipples, kisses, undressing and...well... more. Ending in a full, warm, sweeping, knee-shaking orgasm. My first, with her.

There is something so inviting and soft and intimate about a woman's body. A man's body can be erotic, attractive... but not beautiful the way a woman's body is. Not that I've seen hers, but I know it's beautiful. Seriously, all women's bodies are.

I was reluctant to post anything about it until I had told S. I really didn't think he'd mind, but seeing as it's the first time she and I have talked like that... I just felt I needed to tell him. And just as I'd thought, he liked hearing about it.

Then he and I started imagining something of our own, and ended up having a very intimate, hot conversation. Not ending with anyone climaxing, but feeling as though we both did.

And as if that weren't enough, J came online just as we were about to go each to our separate, real lives, and we talked... not all three together, but all three at the same time. There was such an intense feeling of arousal, of need, of lust, going in all directions...god.

What a day.

Phone

J wants us to talk on the phone, the three of us.

I have a very ambivalent feeling about phone. It took S months to get me to even try. It was such a huge step for me. The first time I didn't say much, though I found it to be really hot and I'm sure I made a few noises.

Now we have phone sex every now and then. When he's at home he calls, and we talk, and usually end up coming both of us. I so love to hear him come. Sometimes when we've had a long, slow, hot chat conversation while we're both working, and I tell him I need to make myself come, he'll call me from outside his office. I can hear the sounds of traffic through his whispers, and I love to imagine his arousal and frustration as he hears the sounds of my orgasm, hand in his pocket.

Only once did I try phone sex with another; with G. It was a great experience, hearing his lovely accent and his youthful enthusiasm. I told S after and never really could make out how he felt about it.

Twice I've been so incredibly tempted to talk that I've considered calling on my mobile from the bathrooms of other people's houses - once to S from my parents-in-laws, and once to G from a house where we were on vacation. I didn't, though.

There's a fear of not being "good". There's the fear of not understanding, or making myself understood. There's the fear of not being aroused - how much pressure would I feel to still play along? How honest could I be?

A phone threesome seems like another huge step, and I'll really have to think about it. But I do think we'll get there, and I do think it's time. Not now, but soon.

#58, March 3, night

When I read other people's erotic fantasies, they seem to mostly be about themselves experiencing things they dream of experiencing. Am I the only one who fantasizes about being someone (or even something) completely different from who I am?

This time I imagined being a young, rather inexperienced woman... not saying more (though I know some of you think I should).

Before that I talked with S for half an hour or so. We basically just caught up. It was late and he had to leave so there was no play, but I was very glad to see him none the less.

Video fun and absent lover

I had a kind of sexy day. Not much in the way or orgasms, but still not bad.

It started with a pleasant conversation with J, which put me in a good mood and made me lose myself in thoughts about a warm, sensual, female body. I simply need to experience that some day... I even wrote down a fantasy later; an attempt at a start of a new email exchange with J and S. For different reasons I haven't sent it to either of them yet, but I probably will when the timing is right.

Then I decided to have another go at making a video - but this time I went about it a little differently. Firstly, I chose a much simpler task. Secondly, I chose to go for professional advice.

This is a little sensitive. I mean, I want to make a video for S. Which sort of includes not showing it to anybody else. But I also need to find a way to feel more comfortable about the end result, which involves practice, and input.

So I consulted with my good friend G. This is his area of expertise, and though it felt a little odd showing him my first try, it proved to be a both helpful and enjoyable experience - a good mix of arousal and practical hints. I had fun, and I have good hopes of being able to make a video which feels honest, as well as makes me think back on what I felt while making it (as opposed to going cold and freaking out).

I haven't told S about the professional consult, for the simple reason that we haven't talked. A quick "how are you" this morning was all. I feel both sad and worried about it, but I'm choosing to look at it as a temporary lapse of... oh I don't know, him being busy? Having a cold? Fatigue from my emotional outbursts? At least until proven otherwise.

I still have hopes of some night time fun, alone or otherwise. Time will tell.

Glad and sad

Glad:

I flirted tonight. Not in a very blatant way, mind you, but I did open a door that has been closed for so long - ever since I met my husband, actually. Once I had him, I didn't want or need anyone else. I closed the door to other erotic or romantic encounters, and if someone knocked, I simply ignored them (or didn't even hear).

Well tonight that door was ajar, and I loved it. Nothing will ever happen with this particular person, but I so enjoy playing with the thought, fantasizing, feeling myself get a little hot, a little damp. Meeting the eyes of another across a crowded room... mmm.

Sad:

I haven't heard from S since this morning. After a sad goodbye like that, one would think that he'd check his messages at least once or so, and perhaps send a short reply. But I know him well enough by now to know that the fact that he hasn't doesn't mean a thing. It probably just means he hasn't checked his messages, or that he has nothing to add right now, or is simply busy. Still worries me though. I'm very good at worrying.

#57, March 2, afternoon

Had a disastrous morning with S today.

It could have been so good. It was definitely not his fault that it wasn't.

I was in a non-erotic mood, as I often am just after ovulation - it's purely hormonal. But talking with him helped of course, and I agreed to send the video I'd made yesterday, even though it only met half of the requests he'd made. Needless to say, he wanted to see it anyway.

The technicalities of sending it (I have to learn ftp!) brought me down a little, but it worked after a while, and he started watching. And that's where things went very wrong.

I watched it simultaneously, but we didn't talk, which I think was a mistake. While I was watching it, all I could think of was that I looked horrible (since I was on my back in a dark room, with camera in front of me... not the most flattering camera angle... god, I'm blushing as I'm thinking about it now) and that the words coming out of my mouth were mostly unintelligible (since I was about to come, which makes it a little difficult to focus, to say the least). Somehow, true and honest pleasure doesn't look at all as neat and tidy as it does in porn clips, at least not when I'm in it!

So there I was, quietly watching for a rather long time... sweating, blushing... and imagining him watching it, and being disgusted by it... Which he wasn't (at least I don't think so), but when he did talk, and said he loved it, I was so freaked out that just couldn't believe him. I still don't know if I can, though he kept saying sweet things for a while.

He wanted to call me, but I was upset and sad, and just couldn't face him.

I've decided to prepare a little better the next time, to work up to it a little more - showing an intimate video like that to someone is almost like having sex; I think I need a little more foreplay! And above all, I'll make him talk on the phone while he's watching. I'm not going to wait too long with this, or I have the feeling I'll never do it.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this, and I've been in a really bad mood most day. When I sensed a headache developing, I figured I needed to masturbate to relieve some of the tension. I think I also wanted to restore some confidence in experiencing that my body can give pleasure - if not to onlookers, then at least to me. And it could. It wasn't extraordinarily good, but I do feel a little back on track.

#56, March 1, afternoon

I do believe I'm ovulating. The frenzy, the constant arousal...

I should be granted a couple of days off each month, to indulge.

Actually, more often than that - I have short cycles.

#55, March 1, mid-day

Ok, here's a secret: That quickie before... I filmed it.

And the thought of having done it made me so incredibly aroused that I immediately needed to go again.

And I filmed that, too.

I wonder if I'll have the guts to send any of them to S.

#54, March 1, mid-day

Quite a while back, I made a video. I made it for myself, actually, but I ended up sending it to S very quickly (to my big surprise; shock almost). I know he has enjoyed it a lot, and I love the thought of him watching it. I've never cammed with anyone, so this is definitely the first and only time I've made, and shared, moving images of myself in an intimate situation.

And now I'd like to share it with somebody else as well - a good, close, online friend, let's call him G, who was sort of an affair outside of the affair with S, for a short while, quite some time ago. G is actually the only person I've ever had phone sex with except for S. It was so intense and fun getting to know him, but I quickly realized that two affairs was more than I could handle. As lovely as G is, S has always been my one and only lover. The fact that G could handle being told as much, and remain my friend, just proves what a wonderful person he is.

G and I don't cyber, or play together online (after that brief affair, that is), but we do talk a lot about sex and desires. The video I made happens to depict something that G is very much into, and he's known about its existance for a long time. I know he's been envious, and hopeful that I'd some day show it to him.

So last night I asked S how he'd feel about me sharing it. He first said that of course I should... but as we kept talking, I think we both knew that none of us wanted to let go of it that easily. I think I really wanted him to claim ownership over it, and I think he too really wanted to do just that. He launched the idea that I first make him a new video, and even named a couple of special requests for it. Once he has the new one, he'll let go of the old one. Something like that.

I'm so incredibly aroused by this. Filming myself is definitely a challenge for me, both emotionally and technically. Meeting the special requests S has named makes me shiver, with arousal and nervousness. It will take me some time to set it up and make it happen.

I actually started experimenting with the camera this morning. While I had it out I filmed something entirely different in the spur of the moment... definitely nothing I had planned. I quickly emailed it to S, but I know he's at work, and that he won't be able to watch it until later. Then I was interrupted by something, and then I was no longer alone... but the fact that I didnt't get to come with S last night, though I was so very, very aroused the entire time we talked, and the fact that I couldn't stop thinking  about the video I'd made earlier today, and the video I'm planning to make... all of it lead to me sneaking off for a quickie with myself. It was a much and long needed release.