A couple of years ago I was a woman with no lust. I never had sex, which was killing my marriage, and I never masturbated or thought about sex, which was killing me, though I didn't know it at the time.
Thinking about sex came first. I had to force myself to do it, but I did it anyway, in order to work up the arousal that I failed to feel with my husband, in order to make it possible for me to have sex with him.
It worked. Our sex life (and our marriage!) picked up.
When I started to run out of fantasies I went online, and that became the starting point of a new me.
I went from erotic stories, to porn, to writing stories of my own, and from there to... chat. God, it was intense. I found myself in a whirlwind of erotic liaisons, finding more arousal - and more intense arousal - than I ever knew was possible. After a while I "met" S, and since that connection was pretty much all I needed and could handle, I became more focused and could catch my breath a little. Instead, a more or less structured journey through my own desires started, and fortunately there's no end in sight.
In this new online presence I found myself confused and overwhelmed. I had no one to talk to, I had no way of sorting my feelings, I had no idea how others had handled similar situations, or indeed if anyone else had even been in similar situations. I was lost.
Enter chat friends. Enter blogs.
There was G, who, after a hard online/phone fuck, a swift romance and a long awkward silence became my trusted friend, with whom I can vent just about anything. There was Cande, who alerted me to the fact that online relationships exist and have their own peculiar dynamics, and who got me blogging in the first place.
To me, finding her blog opened a door to a new world, where I'm not the only one exploring, and certainly not the only one who faces the challenge of handling a parallel life outside of "ordinary" life. There is That Girl, and Mediocrity, and many others, who have commented and provided new perspectives. There is Advizor, whose post the other day sent new followers my way, so that they now amount to 20 - which is 20 more than I expected when I started writing a few months back. There are many others as well, who write, read and comment, and I am so grateful to have found you.
Makes me wonder where this journey will take me next...
Exciting isn't it :)
ReplyDeleteSometimes it feels like a run-away train though lol
AWw I'm so flattered that you've included me! I really am thankful that I've been "useful".
ReplyDeleteI was happy to stumble across your blog and admit feeling a tinge of envy that you have created an anonymous place for you to share your thoughts and connect with others regarding these things. My blog is not set up that way, thus forcing me to edit my contributions. Perhaps I'll start another with something else in mind.
ReplyDeleteJohanna, it's a pleasure to be listed her and I hope my followers discover your writing and enjoy it as much as I do. I can't say enough about Cande, her blog is fantastic and he bring a wonderful perspective to an interesting life.
ReplyDeleteI think all of us have to keep discovering who we are, what we need, how we can be happy. your writings, your thoughts, your blog will change along the way and it's a great journey to be on...
Awww thanks! Blogging has helped me come to terms with my thoughts as well as my sexuality. I always enjoy reading about your experiences, you can always learn something from others or at least relate to it.
ReplyDeleteClive - yes it is... sometimes I even think the train is running over me... but mostly I'm more or less aboard :-)
ReplyDeleteCande - you've been more "useful" than you know... so glad you're out there
Tats - please do! And if you do, be sure to let me know.
Advizor - the pleasure is all mine. And yes, discovery is a beautiful thing.
Mediocrity - yes, I'm amazed how much it has meant to write and read... can't imagine how I managed before I discovered the world of blogging/bloggers (actually, I didn't manage, at least not very well)
Johanna and Mediocrity: To me it's the diary I never kept... it keeps me sane. But even more so is the intervention of others that you don't get in a private diary, and reading other people that are of like mind.
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