I have always liked limitations. I like living in a house that's slightly too small - it makes me creative, makes me think of unexpected solutions. I like having not quite enough money - it makes me smart, and it makes me enjoy the things I end up buying.
Sexually, I like the thought of rules, preventing me from doing exactly what I'd like to be doing, or making me do things I might not have chosen to do. It makes me deal with feelings that would otherwise be hidden.
Another form of limitation is to go from the truly fantastic to the more realistic fantasies. Starting out with the most arousing, most unrealistic scenario... and then stopping to think: What if we actually met up, to do exactly this? Then how would it play out? What would we do? What would we refrain from doing? What would we do, though we knew we shouldn't? How would that make us feel?
That's what happened in the conversation with S today. We were both working, or trying to work, while pausing every now and then to weave a delicious scenario... and after a while we started imagining really doing it, which made us make little subtle changes, and made it feel so very real.
It's very unclear if S and I will ever meet - nothing is decided, but nothing is ruled out - but the thought of doing what we talked about doing today, the thought of my hesitation and his, of the pleasure, of two very real bodies... made me sneak off and masturbate, and, of course, come.
This is how it all starts... this is how the scenarios become possibilities and when things start to take a different path. It's the natural flow of course. It was only a matter of time that you started to talk about what you "would do". But once you start imagining it...
ReplyDeleteYes, well... perhaps. Or perhaps not. The "would do" has been there for quite a long time, and it's a regular part of our play. It's another aspect of course, it gives it some edge. Not sure if I want ít to stay an "edge keeper" or if I want it to be more of a possibility - or a plan even. Really not sure at all.
ReplyDeleteThe difference between reality and fantasy can be very small some times, dangerously small. i love the "if I was there" game playing, taking the fantasy from the Park Avenue hotel and making it the Holiday Inn that you know just a mile from your house. Different hotel, totally different fantasy.
ReplyDeleteExactly. I like imagining the knock on the door, the first hesitant kiss - or even the hesitation whether to kiss at all. Imagining what to wear, what he'd wear, the awkward undressing... or not. Wondering whether it will happen. Knowing it could.
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