#109, April 18, night

S and I are not so good at the moment. We haven't talked much lately, and tonight S referred to it as a "halt". God knows I've been online and wanting to talk, constantly, but he hasn't. He hasn't said anything as to why (not that I've asked). He claims it's temporary, and this may sound strange, but deep down... somehow... I think he's right.

Anyway... I'm going away, and then he's going away, so after our short (but good and honest) conversation tonight I tried to calculate my expectations for my upcoming trip, using known facts and anticipated outcomes, taking into account...

• the ridiculous amount of relatives that will be going with me on the trip
  
• the horrible lack of privacy
  
• the amount of sneaking that would be required of me to try to catch S online
  
• the low probability that I would indeed catch him online more than once or twice, given the recent (ongoing?) "halt"
  
• my frustration and disappointment with all of the above
  

...and it made me make up my mind not to talk until he's back from his trip, almost two weeks from now.

It won't be a record for us, I've done this break thing before while I've been away on holiday. I know it's harsh but I want to focus on my family while I'm away and I think this is the only way I can do that.

But god, I'll miss him. And god I'll be scared. Time will tell. I'm sad that things aren't better, but at the same time I'm happy that I have the courage to just be in the middle of it. I'm feeling very alive and in touch with myself. Strange.

So... to say that I needed to relieve some anxiety tonight would be an understatement.

Maybe it was my mood, I don't know. Something was definitely different, because I had a series of mini-orgasms, maybe six or seven of them (too small to warrant their own numbers, but each one was delicious), finally ending with the real thing... if this is what worry and fear and confusion will do with me, maybe I can live with it for a couple of weeks.