I played out the parking lot fantasy again, but this time with S. It was wonderful getting to talk with him without interruptions, for as long as I wanted and needed. It was an embarrassing fantasy, and I may not have told him every little detail, but I told him most of it. I've missed that for a while now... being able to be so excruciatingly honest.
He didn’t come though, and I do think we’ve lost some intensity, some intimacy - but for some reason I'm not that worried about it any more. Has the break/halt "de-S:ified" me a little? Out of sight, out of mind. Or is it because I've been spending more time with my husband? Or have I become a little closer with my husband because S and I have moved a little further apart? Is it all a zero-sum game?
Or is it truly just a "halt"? Perhaps. S is going away for a few days, and I’m very interested to know what will happen when he comes back. Sometimes it scares me. Sometimes I just enjoy the slight panic... my life isn’t very turbulent to start with, so any strong emotions are welcome.
i don't think it's a zero-sum game, but you have to put a lot more energy in to keeping relationships going. I find that on on some of the day's I chat or flirt I'm a little hornier at home, but there are days when I'm all romanced out and i don't have any energy left. You have to put the energy where it gives the best return. That usually starts at home.
ReplyDeleteHm... been thinking really hard about this, for quite some time now. I think I'll have to make my ponderings a blog post, they won't really fit in a comment. They don't even fit in my head. I love feedback like yours.
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