Exclusivity

At times like this, when S and I, for whatever reason, don't talk as much as I'd want to, I wish I could heed my friend G:s advice and take a backup lover. But I can't.

As much as I advocate open relationships for those that can make it work, and as much as I wish I was one of those, I think I may actually be hopelessly monogamous. (And by that of course I mean that I'll stick with one husband and one lover... but for the sake of argument, let's just talk about the lover for now. Maybe mono-eroticous is a better word... or single-lovered.)

I have tried, believe me. I've had quite a few online one-night-stands during my time with S, and some of them have been wonderful - though never as good as if I had spent that time with S instead, so really what's the point. I have also made a couple of attempts at ongoing flings on the side, and though they were absolutely fascinating and lovely persons, I always held back a little bit... not wanting to get in too deep, not wanting to lead them on, feeling somehow that a high level of intimacy would in a way have constituted a promise - one that I knew I wouldn't be able to keep. I even told them about S, and they claimed to be fine with the fact that he was my main concern. But in the end they weren't, and I ended up hurting them, which I hated, so I probably won't give it another try.

S has never asked me to be exclusive. In fact, for a very long time I didn't even tell him that I was. It had nothing to do with him, it was my choice. Actually it wasn't even a choice, it was simply the only way that worked for me.

As for him, I don't think he feels the same way, and it doesn't really bother me. I've been scared many times, thinking that it would be so easy for him to find someone else who'd fall for him the way I fell for him. (I'm actually amazed it hasn't happened yet.) So yes, many times when he's been silent I've worried that he's been talking with someone else - but it's a fear of losing him, not a fear of not being the only one for him.

I'll admit to feelings of jealousy and doubt... but for a person as myself, who's fairly new to the online multi-lovered scene, there is a learning curve involved. I'm practicing to look at what we have, and simply ask myself if it gives me what I want and need. If it does, then why worry about what he has or does with others, or indeed about anything at all? And if it doesn't, what good will it do me to wonder why? The only thing I'd need to think about is what I wanted to do about it. It's an interesting experiment, and so far it has actually taught me some lessons that I've found very useful, both online and when applied to my marriage.

At times like this, a spare lover would come in handy - but I just can't. S is there, he's around, he fuels my fantasies and inspires daydreams... and we do talk a lot, by most people's standards. It doesn't stop me from wanting more of him right now, but as far as lovers go he's more than enough for me to not need or want anyone else.

Whether I'm enough for him is another issue, and I'll probably always wonder... but it's outside of my control, and besides, if/when I'm not I'll know. Eventually.