#33, February 1, morning

I'm caught in a triangle drama. It's upsetting, but very interesting. Exciting. Draining. Trying my best to keep cool.

Last night the lover and I talked about her. I told him about not being entirely comfortable with the whole thing, and even told him I was scared of losing him. We've been very honest about our fantasies and desires, but not so much about the so called relationship, so telling him was a big step for me. He didn't exactly respond the way I wanted, or needed. I tried telling him that I'm excited about bringing her into the equation, but I'll need for him to reassure me, to tell me that he stills cares about me. I probably wasn't clear enough - he wouldn't even agree that he and I are in any kind of relationship, only that he "wants to explore with me", which is fine of course, but in this context it's simply not enough.

Anyway, she came online, and she and I ended up talking for a while. She was intriguing, made me curious. She actually surprised me a few times during our short conversation. I liked her, and started dreaming of playing with her... After we said goodnight, the lover and I went on talking for a while. I was very, very aroused suddenly, but he had to leave. Fell asleep feeling excited.

This morning, the lover and I talked some more. I admitted to being jealous, and he actually admitted to being a little jealous of her and me, which made me feel good, for some reason. Then he had to leave for a while, and when he came back he asked if he could call me. He could, of course.

When he calls, we always have phone sex - we never just talk. But this time he called to tell me that she had messaged her phone number, and asked him to call her, and he just got off the phone with her before calling me. She had told him something about going away, not being able to chat for a week or so. Now, for me, phone is a big step, but I realize it might not be for her. He claimed nothing sexual went down. We ended up having phone sex after that, imagining playing with her... I was aroused, but not to the point where I could come. He did though, and I loved hearing him, as always.

After, I had to continue on my own, and came watching a clip of a hot brunette, fucked by a man, guided by a woman... The lover came back online, and I told him. After which he immediately told me that she was messaging him right now, trying to make herself come - thinking about me.

There are so many things about this. First - as a courtesy, I don't think he should be talking to two persons simultaneously, at least not when he's having a very erotic conversation with at least one of them. I felt genuinely bad for her. Second - I'm a little odd, but after climaxing, I get cuddly and talkative and not the least interested in sex, and he definitely knows that by now. The last thing I want to hear is how close another woman he's talking to is to coming. Third - if he's going to talk about his erotic interactions with her, I'm still going to need reassurances, is that really a lot to ask...? Fourth - I don't believe he was telling the truth when he said she was thinking of me. She had asked him to call her, she was messaging him. To me, she didn't even show up as online.

I told him to focus on her, which seemed to offend him. I said a rather curt goodbye and logged out.

I'm intrigued, sad, thrilled, excited and scared. At least I'm not bored :-)