#32, January 30, afternoon

Last night, as the lover and I were getting deeper and deeper into a rather hot scenario, he suddenly told me that a woman he had talked with a few times recently had come online.

Ok, so we've been fantasizing pretty vividly about a threesome, and yes, we've discussed the possibility of finding another woman to play with online, and yes, he mentioned right away that she had told him she was interested in talking with a couple.

Still, I was a little put off by the way that he brought this up. I was completely taken by surprise, and not really aroused by it, just... scared, I think.

The thing is that the lover and I have been talking for a year now, often for a couple of hours or more a day. Still, the relationship as such is pretty much undefined. I've declared a rather high degree of commitment toward him, whereas he hasn't declared anything of the sort toward me, which I'm fine with. I tell him about other contacts, and sometimes that has been awkward, but it's also a turn-on for both of us to be able to be that open, since none of us are, or have been, in real life. He doesn't tell me about his contacts, but given the fact that he doesn't claim to be committed to me, I'd rather not know. The arrangement has worked surprisingly well, and it's my first try at anything resembling an "open relationship".

And now... even if I realized he told me about her only because he thinks she might be a good playmate for both of us, and not as a way of saying "I've met somebody else", I would still have prefered if he had told me about her little by little. He could have told me little enticing facts, fantasised, tempted. Suddenly telling me that she was online now, talking with him, in the middle of the night, while he and I were actually pretty involved in something, wasn't what I'd call good manners.

Today, I felt I needed to sort my feelings before talking with him. I logged on much later than usual, and when we did talk, I told him how I felt, sort of. He was very understanding, though I'm not sure he understood (those are different things altogether), and I didn't exactly explain it well either - we have an erotic relationship, it's not as if we're planning to elope together and live happily ever after and need to know everything. We didn't talk long; I had to work.

And now I'm starting to realize what a thing of beauty it is, to get to try things like this out online. I'm glad I didn't have this experience in real life first. "I met a woman and I'd like to have her join us in bed" - that's a statement that I, in my fantasy, have been incredibly aroused by, many times (though to be honest, in my fantasies, I'm usually the one to find her ;-). And now, when I did hear it, more than anything else, it made me feel rejected and unsure of him (and myself). It's like trying out a medicine with possibly severe side effects in a controlled environment first - a taste of reality, but not quite reality. A chance to see and learn, an opportunity to understand my desires and, hopefully, overcome some of my fears.

So now I'm thinking that this could actually prove to be a very interesting experience. The thought kept growing on me, and after working rather intensely for a couple of hours this afternoon, I went upstairs and watched free online porn clips of threesomes. I've watched them before, of course, but this time I saw it in a completely new light - assessing what I'd do, what I definitely wouldn't do, what I'd like him, and her, to do.

And yes, it made me come. I'm looking forward to seeing where this is going.