For very different reasons, both S and J know about this blog. I assume both are reading it. J has known for a while, but I just told S the other day.
In a way, it's complicated. I try not to let it affect the way I express myself, but I have to admit it has made me ask myself why I keep this blog, and whom I'm writing for.
I like to believe it's for me, to keep track of what's happening, to see myself in a slightly different light. I've been so vanilla for so many years, and I've been so uninterested in sex, and I've been so... un-flirtatious. That's all changing now, but it has been hard for me to see it. So that's one reason. Plus, I suppose I'm a bit of an exhibitionist ;-)
With my two special readers, if they are indeed reading, there's a new aspect - honesty. Actually, that's what I have loved most about my rather new, online life. I so much enjoy that I can talk openly about things that have always been hidden in my real life. At the same time, I'm so scared of hurting someone.
But honestly - aren't doubts and interpretations the worst enemies of any relationship? In my ideal world, a lover will tell all, regardless of what the other wants to know or hear. I'd rather be hurt once than wondering ten times if there's any reason for me to feel hurt, without ever knowing.
So while I do worry that my entries on here will be upsetting to someone, I can only try to behave decently. If I fail to do so, not telling about it isn't really going to help in the long run anyway, is it?
Oh, and of course, this only applies to my new, secret life. My old, regular life with my husband is completely separate, and still abides by the rule "do whatever you feel like, but if it's potentially hurtful - shut up about it, or lie". From my experience, a couple will be fine until one person in that couple changes, or develops new interests - which is bound to happen, in any longterm relationship. If the initial signals of that change aren't received well by the partner, the easy way out is to keep pursuing the changes or new interests, but not talk about them. After a while, both will lead separate lives, though under the same roof. Perhaps not a bad life, but not the ideal life, either.
I suppose this is my way of learning from my mistakes.
In a way, it's complicated. I try not to let it affect the way I express myself, but I have to admit it has made me ask myself why I keep this blog, and whom I'm writing for.
I like to believe it's for me, to keep track of what's happening, to see myself in a slightly different light. I've been so vanilla for so many years, and I've been so uninterested in sex, and I've been so... un-flirtatious. That's all changing now, but it has been hard for me to see it. So that's one reason. Plus, I suppose I'm a bit of an exhibitionist ;-)
With my two special readers, if they are indeed reading, there's a new aspect - honesty. Actually, that's what I have loved most about my rather new, online life. I so much enjoy that I can talk openly about things that have always been hidden in my real life. At the same time, I'm so scared of hurting someone.
But honestly - aren't doubts and interpretations the worst enemies of any relationship? In my ideal world, a lover will tell all, regardless of what the other wants to know or hear. I'd rather be hurt once than wondering ten times if there's any reason for me to feel hurt, without ever knowing.
So while I do worry that my entries on here will be upsetting to someone, I can only try to behave decently. If I fail to do so, not telling about it isn't really going to help in the long run anyway, is it?
Oh, and of course, this only applies to my new, secret life. My old, regular life with my husband is completely separate, and still abides by the rule "do whatever you feel like, but if it's potentially hurtful - shut up about it, or lie". From my experience, a couple will be fine until one person in that couple changes, or develops new interests - which is bound to happen, in any longterm relationship. If the initial signals of that change aren't received well by the partner, the easy way out is to keep pursuing the changes or new interests, but not talk about them. After a while, both will lead separate lives, though under the same roof. Perhaps not a bad life, but not the ideal life, either.
I suppose this is my way of learning from my mistakes.
The question has crossed my mind as well. Who am I writing for and why? And as you say I write mostly for myself, but there certainly is a component of writing for Rob. He doesn't know that. He thinks it just keeps me sane, which it also does, but I am constantly checking to see if he has been on to see what I've written.
ReplyDeleteCande, I actually thought of you... I know I thougth you were mad when I read in your blog that you had told him, haha... I sometimes wish I hadn't, but in a way it was inevitable, and now that I have I think it forces me to be even more honest than before, especially in conversations. Which is a good thing, I think. But I'll admit there are times when I sort of wish I could know as much about him, or them, as he, or they, know about me ;-)
ReplyDeletethis has given me much to think about. if the topic of my blog (well at the start) or my husband knew of my blog it would not be a good thing at all.
ReplyDeletethis is a fear.
Johanna: Rob has known about my blog from the beginning. He has only recently become a follower but I think more than anything it was just a way to show me his interest, he doesn't actually use his account for anything. But yes it does force me to be more honest too in certain aspects and to hide others a little.
ReplyDeleteThat girl: hubby knowing about my blog would probably be the end of my relationship.... probably is not strong enough here... it would definitely be the end of my relationship.
That girl: I hope I didn't give the impression that my husband knows about my blog... god I hope he doesn't! Of course, I don't know what would happen - ideally, if I did tell him, he'd better understand my needs and want to grant me a certain amount of freedom, since our sex life isn't what I need it to be (and I don't see how it can ever be). But there's a great risk that he'd simply be too hurt, and that would be the end of things. If we didn't have kids I might be prepared to take the risk, for the hope of finding a new honesty that we could both benefit from, but we do have kids, so no. Introducing that kind of honesty half way into a marriage (or wherever I am with my husband... time will tell) seems impossible to me, I think it'd have to be there from the start.
ReplyDeleteCande: I think it's sweet of him to show interest... S has told me about entries he enjoyed, and I like that. Other entries have made him clarify things, which is also good. But I don't want the blog to be a means of communication... we'll see how that goes.
No matter what though, for me, it is a form of communication. I say everything that I say to him in person, on the blog and vice versa, but I think that often when speaking to a person via chat or not the moments are brief and things get said differently. When I have the time to write I can actually think things through and so the subtler things come out. Whether or not Rob sees that or understands them, or even notices is another story! lol
ReplyDeleteBut again, what brings us to this point in the first place? A place where one blogs about personal and intimate things? For those that take it seriously there seem to be two type of people in the blogsphere. The first is all about fantasy. The persona they create often does not look anything like who or what they are in real life. These are the Walter Mittys of the world. And I suspect that there are quite a few out there. I call bullshit on quite a few posts I read. I'm sure the three of you do as well.
ReplyDeleteThere's a second group. The ones that tend to tell the truth, either unvarnished, or with only a few embellishments. I've sort of made a deal with myself that within these walls I would be truthful. I'm not subtracting years from my age, not writing things I don't feel to a) make me seem better than I am, or b) to pander to any audience or individual. See, I feel that if I apply filters to what I write on here that goes against what I'm trying to actually accomplish. That's why I've also taken pains to ensure my anonymity. There's no one in my family that could possibly figure out this is me by searching about on the internet. Of course, if I don't use the 'private browsing' option I'm opening up myself to discovery, but that's a different issue.
All this to say, is that being guarded, being untruthful, withholding information, or maybe not saying something because of how someone might feel goes completely against the very freedom I seek here. In my personal life I have to be guarded. I have to be careful. I have to "be" a certain way. The thought of losing that freedom here....well I might as well close my account.
Your point of view may vary, of course. But it strikes me that if you're (and I'm not directing this at any one particular individual) looking to document your journey, or experience catharsis, or sort out your feelings towards a relationship, being anything less than truthful and forthcoming is what you're already doing in your lives, isn't it?
An example - Johanna: You mentioned in a post once that you were apprehensive about posting some links. Why is this? I'm not actually asking, but how much of your reasons for not being sure if you should post go against what you're trying to do in this blog in the first place? You don't know who I am in real life. I could live around the corner, or half way around the world. With all this anonymity, you probably wouldn't know unless I chose to tell you. So exactly what are you trying to hide?
Again, I'm using this as an over-arching example of how I feel personally. Your reasons and justification may not match. If I'm here to me the true 'me' then withholding puts me in the same bucket as in my 'physical life' world.
On a funny note, there is a group of women that have their own blogs, but have an alter-ego blog where they post how they really feel. But in their 'real' blogs they're anonymous. What a dichotomy!
Red - I think it's all about needs... what do I need to write about, what do I need to express? And to whom?
ReplyDeleteWhat I need to do here, in this blog, is to sort out my feelings about the whole online experience, as well as to paint a picture of the "new" me, the erotic woman who is me, so that I may get to know her. In doing that, I'm completely honest. All you read on here is true. I definitely don't see any merit to creating a persona.
Which is not to say that I tell the whole truth on here, of course. But the main reasons for leaving some things out is not that I fear my husband or my cousin will discover my true identity, but rather that those other pieces of information will serve a better purpose, for me, if told in a different context.
Not posting links or being explicit about all my fantasies here isn't about fear. The way I see it, it's about me not feeling a need to communicate my specific desires or kinks in the blog. I do that elsewhere, in one on one conversations (mostly with my lover S), which has proven to be enormously rewarding.
Also, as I mentioned in the post above, I'm in a situation where I actually know some of the people who read this blog, in the sense that we talk very intimately via other channels. They get to read about my experiences with them on here, and I want to be careful not to hurt their feelings, or disclose more than they are comfortable with.
Also, on a side note - who is anonymous, on here? Those who take active part in a blog community, under a screen name - are they anonymous? They are, to their spouses and bosses, but they are not, to fellow bloggers in that same community. My lover is anonymous to me, in the sense that I don't know his full name or his address - I can't even be 100 % sure that he's given me the correct age and first name, or sent his own picture, because I've never met him in person. But it doesn't matter - I still know him. I know his desires, and he knows mine, better than anyone has ever known them.
Thanks for a thought provoking comment, and thanks for making me think a little harder, dig a little deeper! Now that's why I love having this blog... :-)