In an ordinary relationship, I'll (almost) always look to the needs of my partner. I'll adjust, I'll make an effort and I'll try to be there if I sense he needs me to be there, even if all I want to do is hide under a blanket (or chat with my lover). If we both stick to that rule, we'll both have the longterm security we're looking for, knowing both will set their own needs aside for the other.
In an erotic relationship, each tends to her or his own needs. If I'm aroused, or feel like I wouldn't mind becoming aroused, I'll talk. If not, it's probably better to stay quiet. If we both stick to that rule, we'll (mostly) meet in immediate arousal, in lust, stemming from true desire and not from a attempt to be accommodating.
Today I've been in a sad mood, wanting to be cared for. So today, I haven't talked. I still had the need for a release, but chose to have it with myself. Tending to my needs.
Or maybe I'm just accomodating after all, wanting to spare him my low mood and deep thoughts. Maybe I'm looking to his needs - knowing that I won't even come close to satisfying them when I'm feeling like this. Maybe I'm just afraid of boring him completely by not being what he wants me to be.
Either way. I came to thoughts of my liking. It was intense, and good... and just a tad lonely.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
#89, March 30, afternoon
There are so many emotions, I wish I could put them all into words. Something to do with my role as a woman, or perhaps as a sexual being - I've never felt more secure, but I've never challenged myself more than I'm doing now.
This afternoon, S and I picked up where we left off last night. When he told me he was able to call, I told him I wanted to chat for a while first, for which I'm glad. It made it so much more intense.
I'm amazed he'll play out this fantasy with me. It's scary for me, changing the image I have of myself... we've done it before, but it's been a while now. I know he finds it arousing, but probably not as much as I do (for which I certainly don't blame him). We solved it elegantly by first doing my version of the fantasy (which made me come), then his (which made him come). (Hearing him come is so hot... I wish I was better at multiples.) Indeed, in fantasy anything is possible.
Afterwards we spent some time, first on phone and then moving back to chat, coming down together... which was lovely, almost better than the sex itself.
This afternoon, S and I picked up where we left off last night. When he told me he was able to call, I told him I wanted to chat for a while first, for which I'm glad. It made it so much more intense.
I'm amazed he'll play out this fantasy with me. It's scary for me, changing the image I have of myself... we've done it before, but it's been a while now. I know he finds it arousing, but probably not as much as I do (for which I certainly don't blame him). We solved it elegantly by first doing my version of the fantasy (which made me come), then his (which made him come). (Hearing him come is so hot... I wish I was better at multiples.) Indeed, in fantasy anything is possible.
Afterwards we spent some time, first on phone and then moving back to chat, coming down together... which was lovely, almost better than the sex itself.
#88, March 29, night
Loved talking with S again. Loved lying in the dark, typing, setting my imagination free - so free I'm only capable of when I'm with him. Thoughts just fly freely, there's nothing stopping them. And as so often, our conversation took a direction none of us had expected when we started.
But then he had to stop talking. God, I was so frustrated. I just wanted to go on and on and on... and I needed to come, so badly.
I went looking for clips on the topic we had explored, but it was sort of a new to me and I didn't really know what to look for... by now my arousal started to dip a little, and I felt it slipping away. Worked harder, and actually came, but only just.
And just then I realized what I was really looking for, and oddly, felt a surge of arousal, though I'd just come. What a waste, I wish I had waited. It could have been so much better.
Oh well. Can't be fantastic every time. Talking was wonderful, but the orgasm - honestly, not so much.
But then he had to stop talking. God, I was so frustrated. I just wanted to go on and on and on... and I needed to come, so badly.
I went looking for clips on the topic we had explored, but it was sort of a new to me and I didn't really know what to look for... by now my arousal started to dip a little, and I felt it slipping away. Worked harder, and actually came, but only just.
And just then I realized what I was really looking for, and oddly, felt a surge of arousal, though I'd just come. What a waste, I wish I had waited. It could have been so much better.
Oh well. Can't be fantastic every time. Talking was wonderful, but the orgasm - honestly, not so much.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
#87, March 29, afternoon
I've been worrying a little about only having exchanged the odd short message with S over the last few days, though I know there have been obvious explanations. Today we've talked a couple of times, and it has been both emotional and reassuring. Of course he's still there... don't know why I keep doubting it?
But when I started daydreaming (to be honest, about his cock - maybe this is a bit too much information, but he has such a completely delicious cock. I've only seen pictures of course, but god it looks good), I didn't go online to look for him, but watched a clip instead.
In a way, I feel that when starting an erotic conversation, it's a little bit like making a promise: that I'll follow it through, not change my mind, not back out. And I still felt a little unsure whether or not my newly reinstated arousal would stand the test.
I shouldn't have worried though. I came to the clip, which made me wish that I'd talked with S instead. I so miss talking and playing and masturbating and coming with him. Oh well, there will be other times.
I'm definitely back on track.
But when I started daydreaming (to be honest, about his cock - maybe this is a bit too much information, but he has such a completely delicious cock. I've only seen pictures of course, but god it looks good), I didn't go online to look for him, but watched a clip instead.
In a way, I feel that when starting an erotic conversation, it's a little bit like making a promise: that I'll follow it through, not change my mind, not back out. And I still felt a little unsure whether or not my newly reinstated arousal would stand the test.
I shouldn't have worried though. I came to the clip, which made me wish that I'd talked with S instead. I so miss talking and playing and masturbating and coming with him. Oh well, there will be other times.
I'm definitely back on track.
Monday, March 28, 2011
#86, March 28, morning
During a brief morning chat today with friend G, I found myself blurting out: "I miss my arousal so much I'm going mad".
Even as I typed it, I saw that it was a ridiculous thing to say. I've been confined to bed more or less for three days, and even though it was just a stomach flu, I can't remember being this sick for years. I haven't been able to keep my eyes open, I've been in and out of fever, I haven't eaten a thing since Friday and I've been sleeping with a bucket next to my pillow. I should have said "I miss my appetite", or "I miss my energy", or simply "I don't want to be sick anymore".
Instead I said I missed my arousal... and after thinking about it for a while after we'd finished talking, I realized why.
I have the experience of losing my lust, completely, and I do mean completely, due to serious illness (and of course I'm not talking about stomach flu). The lust I'd lost didn't return, at all, for years. In fact, it didn't return, at all, until I decided to make it return. And I did so only because the lack of it was killing my marriage.
Well, suffice it to say: I found it. I was shocked by the force of it, and the fact that it came in so different shapes and colours than I'd expected it to. I never managed to bring my husband up to speed with what I'd found (though, for a while, I actually did try). Instead, it became the start of the journey which I'm still on, and which this blog has become part of (and whether it is killing or saving my marriage is up for debate).
That was a couple of years ago. Since then, my arousal has been my trusted friend, and it has stayed with me through minor illnesses and ailments. This is the first time it has left me, and it had me terrified.
Today I'm feeling a little better, with emphasis on little. I didn't really feel like masturbating, but I think I just had to prove to myself that it's coming back, that it's still there.
It was. I watched a couple of clips, thought some thoughts, and there it was. The arousal. Followed by a soft, long, beautiful orgasm.
I'm incredibly relieved to know it's still there. And I'm sure G is right in saying masturbation is a good cure.
Even as I typed it, I saw that it was a ridiculous thing to say. I've been confined to bed more or less for three days, and even though it was just a stomach flu, I can't remember being this sick for years. I haven't been able to keep my eyes open, I've been in and out of fever, I haven't eaten a thing since Friday and I've been sleeping with a bucket next to my pillow. I should have said "I miss my appetite", or "I miss my energy", or simply "I don't want to be sick anymore".
Instead I said I missed my arousal... and after thinking about it for a while after we'd finished talking, I realized why.
I have the experience of losing my lust, completely, and I do mean completely, due to serious illness (and of course I'm not talking about stomach flu). The lust I'd lost didn't return, at all, for years. In fact, it didn't return, at all, until I decided to make it return. And I did so only because the lack of it was killing my marriage.
Well, suffice it to say: I found it. I was shocked by the force of it, and the fact that it came in so different shapes and colours than I'd expected it to. I never managed to bring my husband up to speed with what I'd found (though, for a while, I actually did try). Instead, it became the start of the journey which I'm still on, and which this blog has become part of (and whether it is killing or saving my marriage is up for debate).
That was a couple of years ago. Since then, my arousal has been my trusted friend, and it has stayed with me through minor illnesses and ailments. This is the first time it has left me, and it had me terrified.
Today I'm feeling a little better, with emphasis on little. I didn't really feel like masturbating, but I think I just had to prove to myself that it's coming back, that it's still there.
It was. I watched a couple of clips, thought some thoughts, and there it was. The arousal. Followed by a soft, long, beautiful orgasm.
I'm incredibly relieved to know it's still there. And I'm sure G is right in saying masturbation is a good cure.
Friday, March 25, 2011
#85, March 25, mid-day
I was thinking about last night... and just had to squeeze in a quick orgasm, between work and errands.
#84, March 24, night
Crossed another line tonight. S was alone for the night, and we ended up calling, twice. I can't believe we talked (whispered) while my husband was asleep just a few metres away.
We had decided earlier that we'd talk at night - talk, as in chat, online. The evening went by really slowly, I couldn't wait to get into bed, open my laptop, log in... not sure what made it so different, because honestly, we talk most nights... but this felt special, like we had a date.
We typed for a couple of hours first, and then he called... hearing his voice whispering to me, in the middle of the night.... god, it was so insanely, incredibly hot. I heard him come, and I was really close myself, but I was scared I wouldn't be able to keep quiet so I couldn't quite get there. But it was lovely to hear him... and after typing a bit more I just wanted more of him, and asked him to call me again to bring me over the edge, make me come... and he did.
What a night.
We had decided earlier that we'd talk at night - talk, as in chat, online. The evening went by really slowly, I couldn't wait to get into bed, open my laptop, log in... not sure what made it so different, because honestly, we talk most nights... but this felt special, like we had a date.
We typed for a couple of hours first, and then he called... hearing his voice whispering to me, in the middle of the night.... god, it was so insanely, incredibly hot. I heard him come, and I was really close myself, but I was scared I wouldn't be able to keep quiet so I couldn't quite get there. But it was lovely to hear him... and after typing a bit more I just wanted more of him, and asked him to call me again to bring me over the edge, make me come... and he did.
What a night.
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