Toys, part 2

Before I had any toys at all, an orgasm was an achievement. It was a challenge. It was hard work. It took tremendous arousal, and often quite some time. I would masturbate, but I would never be sure to climax.

With my new vibrator it was so easy. I just touched it to my clit and daydreamed a little, and boom. Not only was it speedy and foolproof, it was often much more intense as well.

Wonderful, yes... but somehow, I almost felt a little guilty - as if I hadn't earned all that pleasure. It's a bit like that silly talk amongst women who have given birth - a natural birth is just a tad more prestigious than a c-section. Like taking the funicular to the summit, as opposed to climbing. In short: cheating.

Also - the more I used the vibe, the harder it became to get off with fingers only. And, frankly, the harder it became to orgasm from sex with my husband.

I still struggle with my feelings about it a little. Every now and then I'll consider going off the vibe for a while, to perhaps find my way back to the natural climax.

But, I have to admit, the pros outweigh the cons by about 200 to 1.

#142, May 27, afternoon

I must be ovulating. I have short cycles so I do that a lot. And when I do, I go into a frenzy. Just so you know, it's not my fault ;-)

During a... hm... coffee break, I happened to stumble on Kieras blog. She shared this link.

I've seen him before, but not her. It's a bit violent, so be warned... I carefully chose a toy from my secret drawer and had a quick but very satisfying afternoon release.

#141, May 27, mid-day

It's amazing how I can tell him everything. Everything. Things I've never told anyone before, and things I will possibly (probably) never tell anyone else about in times to come.

But it doesn't matter... they're out there now, in the open, spoken, told... thanks to him.

Today I felt I had to explain to him that I'm a normal person. I work, I take care of the kids, I cook, I do gardening. He knows that of course, not that we talk a lot about it but after over a year of intense, mostly daily, conversations, we've done a fair amount of "non erotic" chit chat as well and know each other well.

I still needed to tell him. He sees a lot more of my other side, my hidden side. My taboo side. The side that harbours fantasies that will always remain fantasies. I don't want them to ever come true and he knows that. He's the one who has made me feel (more or less) comfortable about them. I've come to understand that they harm no one, they only provide tremendous amounts of pleasure.

But it's not mainly about taboo, unmentionable fantasies anyway. The opening up is the key thing. The letting go, the sense of being who I am, standing up for myself, admitting and accepting my inner self, whatever it consists of. There are good things in there, as well as bad, but there's nothing to be afraid of. It's only a matter of handling it right, to my advantage, while making sure it's to no one's disadvantage.

My new insights are affecting not only my erotic life, but also other aspects of my personality. I can tell the difference now - focusing on myself doesn't mean I stop being responsible to others. Caring for others doesn't mean I have to stop caring for myself.

I know... I'm coming down from an amazing phone sex orgasm as I write this and I have tons of work waiting for me, so I have neither the focus nor the time to explain it better. But in my mind it's all connected, and I feel I'm growing.

Apart from this way too long rambling (but this blog is mainly for me, after all), I can only add that I loved letting him hear me, and I loved hearing him come a little bit later. Mmm.

Toys, part 1

I'm not going to elaborate on why I had never tried it before, or why I didn't want to involve my husband - I'll just tell you that I bought my first sex toy one and a half years ago.

I'll always remember it. I sneaked into the toy store while my husband was a couple of stores away, buying shoes. I remember my panic at the counter, as the shop attendant very slowly and absentmindedly took the vibrator out of its package, inserted batteries and asked me to test it on my hand, to prove that it worked, to avoid claims of defective products later. I was embarrassed, and stressed, and sweating, anxiously looking over her shoulder to see if my husband was watching me from somewhere.

When the ordeal was finally over and the purchase paid for and wrapped, I realized that the parcel wouldn't fit in my purse. With mild violence it did, just in time before I met up with my husband, pretending I had been looking at dresses on sale.

We were away visiting relatives, staying for a few nights, so I had no privacy. I blushed whenever I thought of the toy, and I literally couldn't wait to try it out - I had planned on waiting until we got home, but I ended up trying it in the laundry room at my parents-in-laws, pulling down my tights and panties, with my dress still covering me more or less should anyone walk in.

I turned it on and pressed it against my clit, just for a few seconds... god, I will never forget those seconds. Right then and there I knew a new life had begun.

#140, May 26, afternoon

I waited forever for S to come online last night, but he never showed. (I learned today he was unwell and asleep.)

So this afternoon, after having spent too much time daydreaming when I should have been working, I finally had to give in to a quickie. To stay sane, to be able to focus on work.

The only downside is the slight drowsiness that follows... time for coffee, I think.

HNT, May 26, 2011

The power of thoughts... in the bath

*click*

#139, May 24, afternoon

I chatted with S now and then today, and got all wet from the things we discussed, plans we (almost) made, fantasies and ideas we shared, or at least implied.

And then he had to work for a while, and honestly so did I, but I didn't... instead I lay down with my vibrator and thought of a woman.

I sort of flirt with her, not that I know if she's noticed (I've never been good at flirting). I know she's married, but... well, so am I. Who knows. I can't stop thinking about her. She has a lovely smile, greying hair, beautiful eyes and a posture and a body that simply makes me want to undress her, touch her, kiss her.

I came thinking of her. I feel a little bit unfaithful.

I'm confused.

#138, May 23, mid-day

Finally - phone sex! It's been forever, so when S told me he was alone at home and had the possibility to call I quickly rearranged some meetings and work things, got my phone and my laptop and my vibrator, undressed and lay down on the bed.

I wanted him to watch a video with me... I really wasn't sure how he'd react, since it's a very special video, but I've come to it many times and I've been wanting to show him for some time. So I did, and he reacted very well to it ;-)

Hearing his voice telling me what he imagined doing with me, while watching the video, was so so intense. Hearing his cries as he came later - also intense.

I know I should feel guilty, but I don't. I just feel lucky.

#137, May 22, night

As usual after a couple of days without S, and without coming, I was having withdrawal symptoms. I loved seeing him online, and I was completely wet even from just chatting a little about our respective weekends.

I loved the direction our conversation took after that. I was really hoping that we could come together, and I thought we would, but when he had to leave after about an hour the possibility of simply going to sleep didn't even occur to me. I watched a clip and came quickly and quietly, imagining his fingers.

Also, I did some flirting this weekend. Enjoyed it a lot.

Now - the wonderful, relaxed sleep that only a complete release can bring on.

#136, May 20, late night

Telling your lover about your arousal for another is very hot, but also sort of risky.
.
I love that S finds it arousing to hear about my fantasies of her. I even love sensing his jealousy - but I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I think I went too far tonight, and I especially don't think I should have told him about mixing fantasies of her with fantasies of him. On the other hand I want to tell him everything...

I just don't want him to feel that I want him any less because of her. He may be online only, while she's in my so called real life - but she's my lover in fantasy only, while he's my lover for real.

When I sensed that he backed off a little, not really wanting to be a part of my fantasy of her and him, I felt awful. I was surprised by my strong reaction. I went from almost coming to not aroused at all in seconds, and from eyes semi-closed, lost in pleasure, to eyes full of tears in the same amount of time.

I apologized, and he said it was fine, but we we didn't even try to get back to playing after that. It was really late anyway, so we said goodnight. He assured me he wasn't upset, but with me, there's always that little grain of worry left.

However - I had been away for a couple of days, without much chance of talking with S and without any chance at all of masturbating. And that immense arousal... once it's planted there, it never really goes away, it just goes into hiding. It still needs to be released. Add to that the anxiety of perhaps having said something wrong.. and there you go; I had to make myself come.

It was obvious that I needed it, but I have very mixed feelings about this climax. It shouldn't have happened this way.

HNT, May 19, 2011

I'm writing this in an agitated state... in bed, in the dark, while chatting with S. I just sent him some pictures I took earlier today, in the shower. They're soapy, slippery, shiny, wet... and we're weaving a fantasy around them that makes me want to... well... get on a plane...

But those photos are for his eyes only, and I love that they are. You, however, will have to settle for a hint.

#135, May 18, morning

Some days I just ache for him. This morning I was sitting on the sofa, working, having coffee... and at the same time waiting anxiously for S to come online, aroused, wanting him.

Addicted, who me...?!

When he sent me a good morning message I instantly felt myself swell, tingle, lubricate. He almost always has that effect on me.

With yesterday's explorations in fresh memory we started talking about the joys and risks of exploring limits. Does the boundary-pushing we engage in in fantasy risk spilling over into our real lives, changing our moral limits?

The philosophical context made me decide to confess something a little awkward to him. I was half way into it when he started having connection problems, and then he had to go do something... it left me feeling unhappy and empty, and after an hour or so I had to make myself come just to get rid of the gnawing feeling that I shouldn't have bothered with that confession in the first place.

Not the ideal reason for an orgasm perhaps, but not only did it work, it was also tremendously pleasurable, and special... I wish I could have shared the moment with S, but I'll probably email him a detailed description, since I know he'll like it. A lot.

#134, May 17, night

Maybe I'm getting less dependent on S after all? Or do I simply depend on him in a different way?

I used to feel so much shame, so much guilt, and he was so extraaordinarily good at helping me get past that.

He has taken me so far... I tend to go straight for the pleasure nowadays, without taking a detour around guilt. I speak so freely, so openly... both with him and with myself.

In a way I miss that resistance from within. Yes, I have to admit I miss some of those feelings of guilt and shame - I've had such a wonderful time taming them, challenging them. And I miss needing S to help me handle them.

I still need him - to sort my thoughts, to handle my fears (and some of the shame that still pops up of course)... but I think I want him more than I need him. I enjoy him rather than depend on him. It changes our roles a little bit.

It's so easy to be scared of change, and to look at it as the end of something. Instead, it's the start of something. I leaves room for other challenges. New pleasures. With him, hopefully.

In this spirit, I quickly stopped feeling desperate and scared when he suddenly had to leave, even though we were exploring new and frightening things. Instead, I actually had a wonderful time indulging in this new desire of mine.

I finished on my own, and a looong and goood finish it was.

#133, May 17, night

Sometimes the timing is just right. Just right. His arousal, my arousal, the story we're weaving. So in tune. I can almost hear his sighs, his moans and his cries through the typed words.

The unexpected turns, the delicious details. His increased speed, in rythm with mine. The roaring acceleration towards the end, sending us both over the edge.

And then the panting, the coming down... falling asleep together...

#132, May 16, mid-day

I was caught in the post-ovulatory dry spot over the weekend, while being very busy, and very tired. I had some pretty good morning sex with husband, but didn't come, and there were no online conversations and no touching.

And today that feeling lingered on... until I talked with S late in the morning, and two-and-a-half days of pent-up need was released. We didn't talk long before I had to sneak off into hiding (I wasn't alone at home), and four minutes later I came.

And I still managed to stumble out to answer - and very quickly end - a phone call in the middle of those four minutes, with only one leg still dressed in tights and panties.

S was at work, but after I came we still managed to have some quick mutual fun... ah, sometimes I wish I could be a bit more explicit about my (our) desires and kinks. (But I know I feel more comfortable keeping most of that to myself.)

Still trying to hide my quickened breathing and put my clothes back into order as I write this.

#131, May 13, late night

S and I talked for what seemed like hours. (And when I look at my alarm clock that's glowing in the dark next to my bed, I realize it not only seemed like it.) Fantasies, real wishes, dreams, fears, more fantasies.

He came, but I was too tired... I had been caressing myself forever, but was somehow too sleepy to really go from there to actively masturbating.

But as it turned out I was too aroused to sleep, so after he had signed off I had to make myself come anyway.

A delicious night, of which much more could be said, had I not been so sleepy, and had it not been so late.

#130, May 13, mid-day

I had a long, slow conversation with S this morning, interspersed with work on both his end and mine. It revolved loosely around an eggplant... and after three hours I couldn't take in any longer. I told him I needed to come. He told me to go ahead, and to write about it afterwards and email it to him. This is what I wrote.

I looked in the fridge. No eggplants - in fact no larger veggies at all. I grabbed a really small cucumber that should have been eaten or thrown away some time ago; it had gone a little soft. I held it under running hot water for a while, then lubed it with a few drops of olive
oil.

It was small enough to almost entirely fit inside me; there was only a small tip to hold on to. I looked up a clip on the laptop, but I didn't really watch more than the first few seconds - enough to see a man make a woman hold a lime fruit (with peel and all, alas) in her mouth while he was fucking her... that turned me on even more (if possible). I kept the clip running though, for background noise, serving as a perfect illustration for my fantasies.

The images in my head, the sound from the clip, the humming vibe, the squeezing on the cucumber... all of it made me very quickly move closer to a climax. I felt myself deepen, the cucumber eventually completely enveloped, and when I started spasming the orgasm was intensified by the unyielding resistance from the vegetable.

Afterwards I stayed on the bed for a while, coming down, the cucumber hot and moist against my ass and thigh.

......................................................................

Missing posts and comments

May 13: The posts that went missing due to Blogger technical issues on May 12 have now been restored. However, the comments seem to have disappeared, which is annoying since I had finally gotten around to posting quite a few comments that were long overdue. I'll wait for a while for Blogger to restore them, but if that doesn't happen I'll try to re-post them in a day or so. Those of you who wrote comments that have now disappeared - thankyou! I read them all, and appreciated them all, as always.

#129, May 12, morning

Sometimes I fail.

Ok, I came. But it took too long... I was so close, very soon after I started (promted by a steamy morning conversation with S, which ended abruptly, presumably because he had to start working). And then I think I just aimed too high. I wanted to stay on the edge for some time, and I did, but a little too long probably. I sort of lost momentum, and had to fight my way back, and it took a while... and after having spent some time with it I didn't feel like giving up so I kept going.

I came, but it wasn't as good as it could have been, and frankly it took forever.

I think I got lazy. When I don't have S to drive me on and/or coax those deeply hidden fantasies, sometimes I need to get a little bit more imaginative.

#128, May 11, night

Today, I've been looking forward to flirting all day. I've been anticipating it, thinking about it, dreaming about it. I talked with good friend G about it, and realized that I don't necessarily want the flirting to go anywhere. I'm just enjoying the tension, the sense of possibility.

I know flirting is something that comes naturally to a lot of people, but I never quite had the confidence. Getting there now, and enjoying it immensely.

And then I actually got to flirt a little... looking into her eyes from across the room, past the crowds between us, getting that special smile back... mmm.

Then late at night I talked with S about it. I never met him in person and realized I don't really know if he's flirtatious or not. I told him I thought he was, and he said yes. It really turned me on. And I mean really, really, really. I felt almost faint with the tingling, burning, glowing, growing feeling... we imagined something... I was melting. Then he had to go.

I tried to come, but the arousal wore off quickly when he wasn't there. I felt frustrated, I really really wanted that climax... so watched a couple of videos, and had a nice, soft, sleepy release.

Thinking of him. Thinking of her. Swimming in this odd mix of real and semi-real and fantasy and dreams. It doesn't matter, it still gives me pleasure. I love having found my way to it.

(Oh and I want to thank everyone who has commented lately, and apologize for not answering... The turbulence for a while now has made it hard for me to formulate all the thoughts your comments have given rise to... but as things have calmed down considerably now I'll get to it shortly. Just know that your thoughts mean a lot to me.)

#127, May 10, morning

Just as I was about to get out of bed this morning, S came online.

I've been having doubts about him lately, since we haven't talked much for quite some time. It's almost too complicated to write about... it's about a fear of losing my lust completely if I lose him. It's about an anger with myself that I've let myself become so dependent on him. But it's also about a joy in having let myself fall without worrying about the consequences, which I think I always have before in my life. I've always tried to be proactive, protecting myself, guarding my options, not letting myself in too close, so that I'll be able to get out quickly and relatively unhurt should I need to.

We've been talking intensely for well over a year, and by intensely I mean mostly hours every day. I don't think he'd agree, but I'd like to refer to it as some kind of infatuation... not the kind where we're looking (or secretly hoping) to form a life together, but an infatuation that has involved certain aspects of us - the erotic, the exploratory, the inquisitive ones.

And as infatuations do, this one too has faded. It had to.

Where does it leave us? What's left, when there's no natural next step? I have no previous experience of having a longterm lover (online or real) outside of my marriage, but I'm guessing many affairs are left in a vacuum after that first overwhelming time. Where can it possibly go?

We've talked about it every now and then, but since we don't really agree with the basic premises, or at least not on which labels or terminology to use for them, it has been a bit difficult. But I think we've arrived at some kind of new place now, and a conversation we had yesterday made a big difference for me.

It's as if we've taken a leap to a new rock, slightly below the peak, and survived. I'm probably not making sense at all, but that's how it feels for me. There may have been a shift in frequency, but not in intimacy, and not in desire. I have a very good feeling about this.

So now that some issues have been resolved, at least for me, it was like opening the sluices of horniness. We started talking this morning, and just like last night, though I had just come, I just had to go again.

#126, May 10, morning

It so rarely happens that I wake up in an empty house.

I did today, and the first thing I did was to turn on the laptop next to my bed. I started by re-reading the entire conversation with S from last night, the one that started only seconds after #124, continued through some shameful confessions and ended with #125. Then I re-read parts of the story that had lead up to #124, and then another story from the same archive.

And so, before even getting out of bed, I'll add #126.

Time to start the day.

#124 & 125, May 9, night

I'll probably update this post tomorrow.

Now: relaxed, happy, sleepy.

#123, May 7, night

I don't do role plays a lot, but tonight I was really in the mood for it. I found a play partner qickly enough, and off we went.

It was a sweet, taboo escape, where I entered a role which was comfortably distanced from my normal self.

Perhaps not exactly what I wanted, but just what I needed.

Frustration

I have a feeling of not being in charge. Of my arousal, of what's going on with S.

Ever since the very day I started talking with S, my arousal has been closely connected with him. He's part of most of my masturbation fantasies - not often as my immediate counterpart (though it happens), but more often as a more or less active onlooker, or as one of the persons I'm watching, for the fantasies where that's what I'm primarily doing. Sometimes he's only there as a whispered voice.

And even when he's not there... I often tend to think "I need to tell S about this" (or even "I can't possibly tell S about this").

And now I'm going through a rough time with him. And I say "I", because I'm not sure he's going through a rough time with me... but I'm finding it difficult right now, with a lot of worries and sadness and brooding. (I'm so good at brooding!)

Sometimes to the point where the mere thought of masturbating makes me panic, since I know it will bring out so many thoughts of him, and of where we may, or may not, be heading. So I don't.

And my frustration is growing. I need to touch myself. Soon. I need to come.

I need to find a way to deal with this.

Another kind of release

Yesterday morning I had an errand to an area which is not within easy reach of a public bus. I had to leave my car there, so going back I found myself having to walk quite a distance. To shorten it a little I decided to walk across a cemetery, which I actually know quite well, but it's huge and I needed to cut through a corner of it that I've never been to before, in order to exit on the other side.

My eyes fell on ten similar gravestones, side by side, joined together with chains. The first stone was that of a young boy, only 18, and it had a beautiful poem inscribed on the stone. The next stone was also a young person, with another lovely poem... I realized they were all in their late teens or early twenties, and saw that they all died on the same date, almost 15 years ago.

And when I remembered that horrible fire in which so many young people died, and saw the fresh flowers on each grave, I started crying - not over anyone I knew, but over lives and dreams and loves lost. I read the rest of the poems through a haze of tears.

After a while I continued walking, lost in thoughts. When my tears had dried up I found myself in a clearing in a beautiful forest, on a hill, with a clear view over the city. I stopped and enjoyed the moment, and though it felt odd I had to admit to myself that I knew that feeling so well. The feeling of being released, of my body feeling relaxed yet light, of my mind feeling clear and resolved.

I won't recommend crying instead of masturbating, but it did bring me a little closer to understanding the mystery that is the human orgasm.

#122, May 5, morning

(If you've come here HNT surfing and are in a hurry... skip to the next post.)

I talked with S last night. We were whispering in the dark (though it was the typed kind of whispers), secret thoughts.

It was late and when he suddenly had to go I went to sleep, without making myself come first. I love doing that, knowing that I'll wake up in the morning, or even a couple of times at night, feeling just like I did when I fell asleep - aroused, unreleased, mind full of images.

After an eventful morning, which I may write about in a separate post, though it was completely un-erotic, he said good morning... I was out, on my phone, but close to home, and it didn't take us long to get back to where we left off last night. As soon as I got in I quickly shifted to my laptop, and got right into bed, my dress up around my waist, tights down around my ankles, my vibrator out of the secret drawer.

I so wanted to hear his voice... it has been so long. I hesitated for a while, then asked if he could possibly call, though I knew he was on his way to work, or even already there. He couldn't, he was on a bus. I got so very embarrassed... I'm not sure why, I really don't think he minded that I asked, but it's probably the first time ever that I've asked him to call. I was lying on the bed, blushing, and it took me a while to get back into the fantasy.

Not too long though, and once I was there, there was no going back. I came, spasming, lost, moaning, with a feeling that I had finally arrived at a place I had been on my way to since we started talking last night.

HNT, May 5, 2011

Soaked

*click*

#121, May 3, mid-day

Me, my vibrator, a 7 minute video of my choosing, a lunchbreak, a lovely climax.

That's all that needs to be said about #121.

#120, May 2, night

I was working towards a deadline, which I honestly didn't think I'd make, but I did, and when I finally finished toward the end of the work day I suddenly found myself so very horny. I knew I wouldn't have much time to myself, but I still gave it a shot... but after two minutes my kids came home. Ah, the frustration.

But perhaps that's what made it so good later on, when I was alone in bed, having one of those incredibly (and, yes, considering the past few weeks - surprisingly) intense conversations with S.

After about an hour or so none of us could hold it any longer. Again, I had that new type of orgasm that starts with a few mini climaxes that seem to whisper of even greater pleasures ahead.

Sometimes it feels as if I have to work hard to come - but tonight the hard work was all about stopping myself from coming too quickly.

#119, April 30, late night

I've been so anxious, not having talked with S for many days, wondering, worrying, like I always do. But tonight we reconnected, with a conversation that lasted over three hours, moving from this to that, ending with both of us masturbating and typing unmentionable details to each other.

I came first, as usual. But then I tried very hard to keep going... I'm not a woman who does multiples, and after an orgasm I get incredibly relaxed and hopelessly chatty, which sort of kills the mood for him, which makes me feel very selfish. I tried very hard not to let that happen tonight and it seems I succeeded.

It got very late and he had to go, so no cuddling. But since we're in this strange land somewhere between reality and fiction I can still imagine it as I go asleep.

God, I've missed him.