I have a feeling of not being in charge. Of my arousal, of what's going on with S.
Ever since the very day I started talking with S, my arousal has been closely connected with him. He's part of most of my masturbation fantasies - not often as my immediate counterpart (though it happens), but more often as a more or less active onlooker, or as one of the persons I'm watching, for the fantasies where that's what I'm primarily doing. Sometimes he's only there as a whispered voice.
And even when he's not there... I often tend to think "I need to tell S about this" (or even "I can't possibly tell S about this").
And now I'm going through a rough time with him. And I say "I", because I'm not sure he's going through a rough time with me... but I'm finding it difficult right now, with a lot of worries and sadness and brooding. (I'm so good at brooding!)
Sometimes to the point where the mere thought of masturbating makes me panic, since I know it will bring out so many thoughts of him, and of where we may, or may not, be heading. So I don't.
And my frustration is growing. I need to touch myself. Soon. I need to come.
I need to find a way to deal with this.
The disparity of on-line relationships makes us crazy and that feeling of being out of control is disconcerting. Keep him in perspective, keep your thoughts clear, and you'll be OK.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs - and I prescribe a hot soak, then feet up with a large glass of bordeaux.
ReplyDeleteAdvizor - I don't know what to think. Sometimes I just want to not keep him in perspective. I want to dare, to dive, to jump. But one should probably always aim for clear thoughts... funny how the diving and the clear thoughts seem to work against each other...?
ReplyDeleteClive - thanks... bath and wine, you have good taste.