#32, January 30, afternoon

Last night, as the lover and I were getting deeper and deeper into a rather hot scenario, he suddenly told me that a woman he had talked with a few times recently had come online.

Ok, so we've been fantasizing pretty vividly about a threesome, and yes, we've discussed the possibility of finding another woman to play with online, and yes, he mentioned right away that she had told him she was interested in talking with a couple.

Still, I was a little put off by the way that he brought this up. I was completely taken by surprise, and not really aroused by it, just... scared, I think.

The thing is that the lover and I have been talking for a year now, often for a couple of hours or more a day. Still, the relationship as such is pretty much undefined. I've declared a rather high degree of commitment toward him, whereas he hasn't declared anything of the sort toward me, which I'm fine with. I tell him about other contacts, and sometimes that has been awkward, but it's also a turn-on for both of us to be able to be that open, since none of us are, or have been, in real life. He doesn't tell me about his contacts, but given the fact that he doesn't claim to be committed to me, I'd rather not know. The arrangement has worked surprisingly well, and it's my first try at anything resembling an "open relationship".

And now... even if I realized he told me about her only because he thinks she might be a good playmate for both of us, and not as a way of saying "I've met somebody else", I would still have prefered if he had told me about her little by little. He could have told me little enticing facts, fantasised, tempted. Suddenly telling me that she was online now, talking with him, in the middle of the night, while he and I were actually pretty involved in something, wasn't what I'd call good manners.

Today, I felt I needed to sort my feelings before talking with him. I logged on much later than usual, and when we did talk, I told him how I felt, sort of. He was very understanding, though I'm not sure he understood (those are different things altogether), and I didn't exactly explain it well either - we have an erotic relationship, it's not as if we're planning to elope together and live happily ever after and need to know everything. We didn't talk long; I had to work.

And now I'm starting to realize what a thing of beauty it is, to get to try things like this out online. I'm glad I didn't have this experience in real life first. "I met a woman and I'd like to have her join us in bed" - that's a statement that I, in my fantasy, have been incredibly aroused by, many times (though to be honest, in my fantasies, I'm usually the one to find her ;-). And now, when I did hear it, more than anything else, it made me feel rejected and unsure of him (and myself). It's like trying out a medicine with possibly severe side effects in a controlled environment first - a taste of reality, but not quite reality. A chance to see and learn, an opportunity to understand my desires and, hopefully, overcome some of my fears.

So now I'm thinking that this could actually prove to be a very interesting experience. The thought kept growing on me, and after working rather intensely for a couple of hours this afternoon, I went upstairs and watched free online porn clips of threesomes. I've watched them before, of course, but this time I saw it in a completely new light - assessing what I'd do, what I definitely wouldn't do, what I'd like him, and her, to do.

And yes, it made me come. I'm looking forward to seeing where this is going.

#31, January 29, afternoon

Didn't talk with the lover last night. His habits are a bit late for me on weekends - when he comes online I'm either asleep, or so tired that I can't carry on a conversation (especially not for two hours, topped with an exhausting climax).

Maybe that's why I woke feeling particularly horny today. Usually, my lover cures onset of horniness during the day, evening and night, while I leave it to my husband on weekend mornings. This morning, though Sunday, for various reasons nothing happened, however.

Later in the day, I sneaked a little yahoo time and found the lover online. Mmm. I told him about my fantasies in the morning, and we were both instantly turned on. There is no one who is so in tune with my arousal as he is.

Family was all around, so I had to quit talking quite abruptly. But the fantasy wouldn't leave me alone, and when my husband went out, I immediately grabbed the opportunity.

Quick, taboo, delicious. Just the way I want it.

#30, January 28, night

I didn't think he'd show. I know he has recently gotten his internet connection back, after a long time of only having his phone, and I suspect he has taken the opportunity to make some new friends.

I want him to. I love imagining him aroused, talking, stroking... but god, I'm scared of losing him.

Anyway, just as I was going to send him a goodnight note, he came online. He made me tell my dirty secrets, my taboo masturbation fantasies... I can't believe I told him what I told him (and I can't believe he wasn't more shocked than he was).

We both find pregnancy to be a hot fantasy... and played with it for an hour or two. I'll never get tired of coming with him, though my orgasm wasn't anywhere near as intense as the one of this morning.

But then again, not many have been. Ever.

#29, January 28, morning

Chatted with the lover, at great length, last night. We talked about orgasm denial... it just drives me mad, this is probably my number one kink. We started weaving a thrilling scene together, and both got more and more aroused... I hadn't planned on touching myself, but just as I felt I had to (and I knew that it would be very quick once I started), he had to leave. I chose to not touch, and instead fell asleep with a wonderful arousal... love doing that.

I slept way too little, of course, since we had talked half night, and the arousal was completely gone when I sleeplily went through the various morning routines. But when he came online later in the morning, and we started talking about last night... boom, it all came back, with a speed and a strength that took me completely by surprise.

So we started this fantasy of a woman bound, teased, not allowed to come, unless she did certain things... told certain things... and I felt an overwhelming urge... Once I'd told the lover I was touching myself, he immediately switched into real mode - and suddenly, I was the one who was not allowed to come, unless I told him certain secrets.

Which I did, of course. We haven't really played this way before, so I wasn't sure whether he expected me to wait for permission or not, but I sort of wanted him to, so after I (very embarrassedly) told him my story, I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

For well over five minutes I was sliding the vibe over my throbbing sex, so so so close, so completely on the edge, staring at the screen, waiting... it was pure torture, but it was also absolutely delicious.

When he finally talked, he continued the fantasy instead of telling me to come. I was confused, and so lost in pleasure, and so frustrated and desperate that I ended up asking him to please tell me. Only then did he tell me to come, and I came so hard and long that I almost blacked out.

I need to do this again. We still don't have an agreement, but I hope we'll experiment with this for a while.

#28, January 26, morning

Yesterday, the lover started a fantasy of him deciding when I get to come, and when I don't... keeping me on the edge, allowing me to come only at certain times, with his permission...  god, I love that idea. I felt too shy to ask him to go through with it, but I'm hoping that's what we'll end up doing.

In the afternoon he directed me... mmm. He told me when and where to touch - and when to stop. It was delicious, and I actually learned a couple of new ways to touch myself, now that I wasn't chasing an orgasm, but "only" pleasure. Toward the end I had to end the conversation to work for a while, and I never really found out if he would have allowed me to come at the end.

When we talked at night, I knew I wasn't going to come. It made our conversation take on new directions... it was intimate, like whispering secrets, while slowly caressing.

And this morning, as we said our habitual yahoo good mornings, that feeling lingered on. He quickly decided to be late for work, and we ended up having an incredibly hot phone conversation, where I was standing naked in front of a mirror, watching my aroused face as I touched myself, exactly the way he told me to touch. When he ordered me to stop I was so turned on that I almost came without touching... throbbing, swollen, wet...

When he finally told me that he wanted me to make myself come I never thought I'd be able to, but I just exploded.

God. I want more.

#27, January 24, afternoon

Sometimes I think I've lost it. I masturbate... and feel... nothing. I start thinking that I've touched myself so often that my clitoris has gone numb, and that I won't ever have an orgasm again.

Then I focus. I dig up my most taboo fantasies. The dirtiest scenarios. And I come, and come, and come.

Very happy about having found those fantasies, and those scenarios, and that ability. Very.

#26, January 23, night

Finally! After two nights without being able to catch the lover online, there he was. Getting up in five hours, so I don't think I'll say more right now.

#25, January 21, morning

I was doing my morning exercise on the exercise bike. Suspecting/hoping that the lover would come online, as he mostly does this time in the morning, I put the laptop on the table next to me.

And he did. And he turned out to be at home, too.

So I ended up cutting my exercise short, to engage in another kind of exercise. Over the phone we continued weaving the fantasy of last night. I love listening to his cries as he comes.

And after, I love deleting his number from the list of incoming calls on the phone. It makes me feel like a seasoned adulterer. Like someone else. Like a sensual, sexy, attractive woman... or at least like I'm slowly turning into one.

I love this.

#24, January 20, night

The lover and I have our private daydream, that we keep coming back to. We change or add small details each time, perfecting the fantasy.

I love sharing like this, on our joint little project. Feels so intimate. So close.

#23, January 20, early afternoon

...and again.

#22, January 20, early afternoon

I got so turned on writing about the masturbation session of this morning that I had to go again. (Yes, I do think ovulation is around the corner.)

#21, January 20, morning

I didn't elaborate on this yesterday, but I actually tried my new sex toy last night: A slender, well designed mini vibrator. It wasn't very good.

I did discover, though, that it was a delicious g-spot stimulator... so today I thought I'd try it out. I watched porn with the laptop comfortably resting on my belly, and pressed the humming little vibe to my g-spot... mmm.

The vibrations aren't strong enough for my taste, and I had a hard time coming. But it was almost better this way - I kept myself on the edge for a very long time, and I so, so love doing that. I let the vibe divide its attention between my clit and my g-spot. I ended up having a nice, slow, long clitoris orgasm, after all.

My new vibe is a real tease. Not sure how I feel about that, but it's definitely not an entirely bad thing.

#20, January 19, night

I've had a couple of dry days. It always happens somewhere after my period, and before the erotic overdrive of ovulation. I know it, and yet I get worried each time. It worries the lover as well - he gets confused when I'd rather talk about work, or problems with phone companies, or the weather (but truth be told - he too loves talking about the weather).

Yesterday I even told the lover I needed to sleep, as we were in the beginning of our by now habitual nightly conversation. He assured me that he understood, but I don't think he really did.

No such thing tonight though. A hot, taboo conversation, a little over two hours long, and we both came at the end.

A relief, in more than one way.

#19, January 17, night

I sensed his arousal, so powerful, so strong... he was so very hard, and he came so hard... imagining it made me come, too...

In urgent need of sleep now, and so no time to elaborate. But we had a wonderful chat tonight, the lover and I.

#18, January 17, afternoon

We couldn't talk last night, his wife was awake and he had to go just after saying hello.

Perhaps that's why I was so incredibly horny today. We didn't chat about anything in particular, but just seeing his name on screen made me so aroused. I just had to go lie down with my vibe for a while, panties around my ankles.

I told him so, and he called me from outside his office and talked me through it. His words translated into delicious images in my mind, which translated into beams of pleasure radiating throughout my body. In the middle of things my husband called on the mobile, but I think I hit the right button. The red one.

God, I hope so.

It's funny how my initial feelings of guilt have shrunk into a simple fear of getting caught.

#17, January 15, night

Not a very good night with the lover. I waited around for him forever, and had just decided to call it a night and go to sleep when he came online.

We had a nice chit chat (we do too little of that, I'd like more smalltalk). Then we moved on to the sex, but it moved forward way too slowly. I think we were both tired.

And just as I felt that things started happening and thought of reaching for the vibe - he had to go. (Or maybe he just needed to sleep as desperately as I did.)

I watched a couple of clips and got off to one where the woman was tied, with a sturdy, lit wax candle placed on her stomach, as a man teased her relentlessly with a magic wand.

I had a great climax, but was still left with a slightly empty feeling.

#16, January 14, night

It looked bleak. He was left without an internet connection all day, and I missed him. But when I logged on in the evening, there it was: Back online!

I felt impatient as I watched tv with my husband at night. I couldn't wait to start playing. I was worried I'd miss him.

I didn't. Instead we had one of those blissful, three hour conversations, floating from one thing to the other, moving so effortlessly between realistic fantasies of what we would do if we were in a room together, right now, and what might do in a parallell universe, where every taboo was possible and desireable.

It ended with deep relaxation, with kissing, with arms and legs around each other, with soft, warm, damp, naked bodies falling asleep.

Sometimes it's so far away from "just" the erotic affair that we pretend it is...

#15, January 13, night

God, it's wonderful to come with him.

Both so excited, teasing and urging each other with taboo fantasies, travelling through the night towards a mutual release... at times slowly, unhurriedly - at times eagerly, feverishly... floating in cyberspace, so far away but so very, very close... exploring, crossing boundaries... but so secure with each other.

And after, we're  panting, sweaty, messy... he over there, me over here, but both of us completely present in the postcoital cuddling.

And none of us can stop smiling. At least I know I can't... and even if I can't see him, I know he can't either.

# 14, January 13, morning

That was unexpected.

I was working happily at the kitchen table when the lover came online. We exchanged greetings and various short updates on our respective lives, after which we, as usual, started talking about sex. I told him about something I'd come across in the chat last night - it was nothing spectacular, but sometimes the timing is just right, and both get obsessed about the same thing, at the same time.

Suddenly I found myself completely wet, trembling, aroused... a while later I was naked, squatting in the bath tub, masturbating, with the laptop on a stool next to the tub, following instructions from the lover, and seeing new images before my eyes, as he described the scenes he was imagining.

How I wished he had been able to tell me over the phone... but then again, I wouldn't have been able to talk, nor hold the handset ;-)

# 13, January 11, afternoon

First phone sex of the year. Mmmm.

The lover was at work, which meant he had to walk the streets outside his office, getting colder and colder, but his voice was hot, very hot. I don't know what I like the most - the fact that talking on the phone obviously gets him so incredibly aroused, or the fact that it gets me incredibly aroused.

I love imagining him: in a good suit, phone in hand, erection in trousers. I can hear the street sounds in the background.

He might be able to call from home toward the end of the week. I usually love that, but given how hard it has been lately to get him off, I'm almost a little nervous.

# 12, January 10, night

Mmm. Feeling so wonderfully relaxed now. So close to him, as if he were half asleep right here, right next to me, his naked body pressed against mine.

It was a wonderful, sexy, long, arousing conversation - almost two and a half hours. I tried not to be selfish... but then I just had to come, and he didn't. Terribly frustrating. I felt guilty and told him so. He said it was fine, but I knew he was frustrated too.

I almost told him goodnight, when he started on another track... I wasn't sure where it was going, but went along, and it ended with him coming, and joining me in relaxation. Delicious. So glad I hung around. It's been a while since we both came together, I think we needed it. I know I wanted it.

My online affair is cutting into my much needed sleep... but I don't care. Nights like this make me feel I never need to sleep ever again.

But I'm soooo tired now...

# 11, January 10, afternoon

Didn't get to talk to the lover much today. I had to work and he had an important meeting.

(But who knows if we would have talked much anyway... I spent most day brooding over the fact that I might be losing him. I'm pathetic.)

Anyway. When he did come online our conversation was so steamy that I had to first try stimulating myself with the vacuum cleaner. It had to do with the storyline, which included suction devices. Let me tell you this much: the vacuum cleaner was not a good masturbation toy.

Instead, I went for my favourite vibe. Worked very well.

# 10, January 9, night

The night started good - had a very arousing roleplay in the chat, which I abruptly broke off when the lover came online, unusually early. We then had an extremely arousing conversation. Just as I'd brought out my vibe and was trying hard not to come (wanted to wait for him), he disappeared without prior notice.

He does that sometimes, mostly because his wife wakes, or doesn't go to sleep as planned - or so he says, at least. Needless to say, I often worry that he's in fact talking with someone else. Ah, cyber relationships...

I don't think he was this time though, I could sense his intense arousal. Mmm.

Anyway. Very frustrating. While I waited for him to come back my arousal faded to almost nothing. But I still felt such great need for a release, so I watched a couple of clips and got off to a bdsm one that I loved. Not what I had hoped, given the good start, but good enough.

# 9, January 7, night

Talked with lover for over two hours, in bed. I love the feeling of being almost too tired to have an orgasm, and then having one anyway.

But truth be told: It was kind of too slow, and if I'd had that orgasm sooner, I wouldn't have been so tired. (Or maybe I shouldn't have allowed myself to come earlier in the evening? ) Also, I felt the lover wasn't very inspired. After I'd come, I told him I was tired - which made him tell me to go to sleep. Logical, I know, but any girl will understand when I say that it wasn't quite what I wanted to hear.

Especially not since he stayed online for quite a while after - talking with someone else...? Am I loosing him?

# 8: January 7, evening

My husband went out for a couple of hours, leaving me to put the kids to bed. And him out of the house - that's like a signal to me. I get instantly horny.

Also, the lover has been away on a conference all day, unable to talk - but we've left each other a few very sexy messages during the day, which has put me in the mood, to say the least.

While I was waiting for the kids to go to sleep, I lay down with some particularly nasty fantasies and made myself come. Only seconds after, my husband came home.

I'm glad he didn't come upstairs right away.

# 7: January 6, night

Ok, I'll admit that I waited... for a while. I made myself useful though - actually worked a little, in bed. (Yes, real work.)

When it was obvious that the lover wouldn't show, I had the choice of getting some sleep, or getting off. I chose the latter.

Sometimes the hunt for the perfect clip takes way too long... and that's what happened tonight. So long, in fact, that when I did find it, I had to take a break to get new batteries for my vibrator.

The clip? A dad-daughter one. No, I don't approve of it in real life. Yes, I know that I have a filthy, screwed up mind.

And yes, I came to it.

# 6: January 6, afternoon

From time to time, the communications pattern between the lover and me will suddenly change, with regards to how often we talk, or which time of day we talk, or if we talk focused or just spread it out into a series of messages over time, or if he shows up as online or uses the invisible mode, or weather we talk on the phone several times a week or not for a month or more.
 
Each time something changes, I go through endless worries. Has his focus shifted to someone else? Has his interest faded?

After brooding and worrying for a few days, I always arrive at the same conclusion: He'll always do whatever he wants to do, regardless my worries, and I should keep my focus steady, regardless of him.

And my focus is pleasure.

I can't go as far as to take another lover - don't ask me why, I just can't  (and believe me, I've tried). But I will not wait for him. As much as I love getting aroused with him (and by him), and get off with him (or with his help), I will not wait around. When I need relief, I will get relief - with or without him.

This afternoon, I was getting hornier and hornier, working at my desk. I so wanted him to be there, but he wasn't. And since the fantasy of the lover, me and a young girl is so, so enticing...  I watched some clips of a mature couple with a younger girl, imagining the lover and I... a few filthy words whispered between us and her... and there you go.

# 5: January 5, late night

Yes.

A quickie, while watching some cheesy clip of a woman being given one orgasm after another by the massage guy.

It felt like I had a series of small climaxes, leading up to a grand finale. I often find that the second orgasm, those few times that I go for it, is quite different from the first one.

I've been looking forward to this night, and indeed, I am not disappointed.

# 4: January 5, night

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# 3: January 2, late night

Still not asleep... close to 5 am.

Stumbled on something. Not going to give you the link. Oh no.

Full of shame, but so relaxed, so sleepy, so satisfied. Now we're talking.

I wonder if I'm going to tell the lover about this.... I try to tell him everything. But this? Not so sure.

# 2: January 2, night

The lover came online, chatting on his mobile phone from bed, lying next to his sleeping wife. I love when he does that.

But he's somewhere in the backwaters and just as it was getting interesting and I was thinking of touching myself he lost signal and disappeared.

I spent forever watching clips, partly waiting for him to come back, partly wanting to find the clip with that sweet, cuddly girl I watched yesterday. I never found her, but I had my vibe squeezed firmly between my thighs and a nice arousal going for quite some time.

I came watching a girl tied and tormented with a mechanic dildo machine thing in her ass and a magic wand to her clitoris, forced to come.

I so want to try a magic wand some day. I'm sure they can't be as good as they look - but god, they look delicious.

# 1: January 1, night

I wanted the first orgasm of 2011 to be special, so I waited forever for the lover to come online. He didn't. I went into the chat, but wound up talking about the difficulties of marriage. Both living it and talking it is a bit too much, so I left.

I ended up watching clips, as usual. By then my built-up need made me come right away. The affectionate licks of that young woman, on that man's cock... mmmm, I want someone cuddly like that. Her hands were tied behind her back. Yum.