Frustrated

I'm in the middle of a long time off the work/school routine. All of my family is at home, for week after week. It's wonderful to get to spend all that time together, but...

...I so miss my daytime playtime. I so miss it.

Needs

I love how a full bladder accentuates my arousal.

I love having slow sex when I'm bursting.

I love that I got almost an hour with S, though I'm away with family and not at home. A very hot hour it was.

It's late at night, it's dark, I'm in a bed that's not my own, in a house that isn't mine, and I don't know which need to tend to first: to come, or to pee.

And I love it.

A good night

These days are frustrating. I can't be online much, and I really miss the daytime talking with S. It's different from nights somehow, more focused. At night, we take our time, since we can often take as much as a couple of hours to talk. But during the day we might only have ten minutes, so we either keep it strictly friendly, or completely hot.

Anyway, we got half an hour or so in the day today, which had me very aroused, but not able to touch since I was sitting on a narrow lawn by a very busy street. After that we exchanged a few offline messages, which made me look forward to talking at night very much.

So. Night came. S came online - but only for 15 minutes, and then he had to go.

I was fantasizing even before he said hello, so he left me completely wet, aching... I didn't really know how to handle it, I sooo wanted to talk. So I went into a chat room... and almost immediately stumbled over a young woman who aroused me very much, and it seemed feelings were mutual.

We talked for an hour or so... god, she was delicious. I can't say that we connected, on a personal level, but I didn't really try either. We had a role play of sorts, and I loved it. After I came I didn't really feel like going on, but it felt rude to stop so I kept going until she came, or at least she said she did. I never really trust myself to be able to make that happen for others, but at least I sensed she liked talking.

A good night, though I have to admit I missed S, even in the middle of everything, and especially now, afterwards. It's been so long since we had a good climax together, and I can't even remember when was the last time we had any virtual post-coital cuddling. I know it doesn't sound like much for those of you who haven't tried it, but believe it or not, it's almost as good as the real thing.

Swimming

This online relationship that I'm finding myself in, which I'll call a relationship though I think that the other involved party will still not acknowledge it as such, is moving back and forth, constantly changing shape.

It used to be a tidal wave that swept me away, but it has evolved into a sea that I swim in... sometimes calm, sometimes upset, sometimes going this way, sometimes that, but constantly surrounding me, embracing me. I love the fact that I can't see the end of it.

Sometimes I'm getting more out of it than he is perhaps. Right now I'm floating, enjoying, letting him do most of the work... but I sense that he's okay with that. Hopefully I'll get to return the favour.

At least that's what I tell myself. I never know for certain, and actually I love that fact as well.

It's a wonderful contrast to the steady ground that is my marriage. I'm finding it easier and easier to handle the transition between my wave-riding existance and my more predictable landbased one... toghether, they provide me with the foundations of a good life.

Finally...

It could have been disappointing. S and I hadn't talked more than very briefly in almost a week, and when we finally met up tonight we only got to talk for half an hour or so. Neither of us was even close to climaxing.

But during that half hour he "woke" me in ways that no-one else, or nothing else, seems to be able to. He left me with taboo images, and a tempting fantasy... On my own, after, I had a series of delicious mini orgasms, like a string of glistening pearls, ending in a long, soft climax that made me relax completely, and smile.

I wanted to write something about taking chat breaks... but I'll save it for another time, right now I just feel like sleeping.

And smiling.

Not quite worth the wait

Nope, that didn't quite work out as planned. Well not as I had planned, anyway.

S was not around, and as it got late and I realized he probably wouldn't come online, I have to admit the play lost some of its allure. I had so hoped to get to talk with him tonight.

I even had flashes of the old familiar doubts, which didn't exactly do wonders for my libido.

I did have an okay time, and I did come, but it wasn't great and I sort of wish I had waited for another day or so. But then again, I know that life won't offer much in terms of opportunities to talk over the next few days, or even much privacy, so I figured I'd better make the most of it. It relieved some of the tension... but it wasn't what I had hoped for.

Am I getting too dependant of him again...? Ah, whenever I start feeling confident and safe something seems to happen to take those feelings away. Oh well. The rollercoasters. I love the real life kind, and I suppose I love the mental kind as well... I don't love riding them exactly, but having them in my emotional life, as opposed to not having them... yes. Yes. Not entirely pleasant, but a key ingredient to feeling alive.

And more waiting...

Just sneaked online, and talked with S for an hour or so. I'm at home and so is my husband and my kids, so there was no touching. But our conversation had me really, really aroused.

I can't wait for tonight. There will be some serious playing. With or without S.

Waiting

I once vowed never to wait for S. If I felt like playing, I'd go ahead without him if he wasn't around.

Well that has changed. If I feel like playing with him, I'll wait until he's available. It's so much better with him than with anybody else, or with just myself.

I suppose it's because we're in a different place now. I trust him. Before, not hearing from him would be scary, since I was never completely certain he was coming back. Now I know he's there. I might even say I know he wants me.

And sometimes, when the wait is prolonged, I even really, really enjoy the feeling of urgency, of frustration, of overwhelming arousal that is un-leashed, un-channelled, pent-up. I enjoy it, because I know it will be so much better when I finally find a release for that tension. With him.

I can only do it for so long though. If I can't catch him online tonight I'll have to go on on my own. God, I need to come. Soon.

In the dark

I love masturbating in complete darkness.

I don't, usually. At night, I'm usually bathed in the bluish light from my small laptop, either typing with S or reading a story or watching a clip. And even if the computer isn't resting on my breasts I usually keep it on anyway, since I've been writing about every single orgasm for the past six months or so, and I've usually done that right after climaxing. So what's the point in turning it off.

But I don't do that anymore, do I? Last night, S was sharing a delicious fantasy, and I really got into it. Then he had to go... so I turned off the laptop, and lay in the dark, and imagined every word of that scene, every face, every delicious detail... I played it in my head like a film, a script. I even mumbled some of the lines, imagined the moans, the sighs, the gasps.

I came hard, in the dark, and then I went right to sleep. And now it's morning, and still dark in my little room, and I feel like doing it all over again. I can hear the kids playing merrily downstairs (for once!) and my husband snoring in the next room, so... I just might.

Delicious women and unattractive men

I simply don't find men attractive. If there's a connection, then yes. A man who arouses my interest... I might well admire his face, his fingers, his stomach, his calves, his cock. I'll fantasize about his body, and get aroused by images and thoughts.

But an unknown guy I see in the street? Never.

Women, on the other hand. I can't think of many who don't have at least one lovely feature, in fact most have many, some have them in abundance, and a few are so delicious to just watch that I can't stop myself from imagining touching them, kissing them, being abducted by them, slowly seduced, and becoming their longterm lover. I've spent half day in various stores and I have seen at least 50 very attractive women whom I very much enjoyed admiring, but not one man.

Is it only me? I certainly don't mind getting intimate with men, in fact I've enjoyed that a lot - a LOT - over the years, and I probably spend more time thinking about having sex with men than with women. But I never, ever get attracted simply by the good looks of an unknown man, or, for that matter, a known man whom I don't particularly like, no matter how "good looking" he's considered to be.

In fact, I don't think I ever have.

Long and pointless

Sometimes I wonder... Perhaps I shouldn't wonder on here, and that's one of my concerns with this blog - that S knows about it. I honestly can't imagine having a blog that involves him and not telling him about it, so I have no regrets about letting him read it. But while it forces me to be honest, since there's a person who can cross check it for authenticity (which I like), it also prevents me from being honest about certain things. I don't want him to feel hurt or offended, but I also have a need to air doubts and thoughts that aren't always completely comfortable... not sure how to handle that.

I've been incredibly busy with work this past week, to the point of not even logging into the messenger that S and I use for talking. We've talked, definitely, but only for short whiles. Usually when that happens we compensate by talking at night, but lately I've experienced some health issues that have forced me to be a bit more careful with the amount of sleep I'm getting, and at the same time I've had to get up really early in the morning, which means we haven't been able to talk for a couple of nights either.

I so wanted to talk with him tonight. We sent each other little messages throughout the day and evening, not that many, but enough to make it very clear we both very much wanted to talk, and, frankly, that both were really horny.

I waited for him in bed. He came online late, and I had already been dozing for a while. Getting his first message made me wide awake, and instantly aroused...  and our fantasies took us into a taboo journey that we've been on before, but slightly different this time... each time is always different, that's the beauty of it.

But as I said, I wonder. I wonder if I took it too far. He keeps saying I can tell him everything, and I can, but I also keep saying that he doesn't have to share my every desire. There are those I'm fairly certain he doesn't share, that he's not particularly interested in exploring, and I respect that. I tell him anyway, but we don't use it for play. But tonight... perhaps he played along. I came hard, he didn't. Which doesn't mean anything, I know. Maybe he went online straight after having hot sex with his wife, what do I know (we never discuss that). Or maybe he just didn't feel like climaxing, simply enjoying the arousal... I know I have, many times. I just know that I was turned on to the point of exploding, while he perhaps was, or perhaps wasn't...  and I worry that I lead him to places he didn't want to go, but that for some reason he didn't want to let me know. Or maybe he just wanted to please me, why would that be so bad...? Ah, I wish I didn't worry so much about what he feels or doesn't feel. It's his responsibility, I know. But still. I don't want any of us to be too accommodating, I think that's it. Accomodating is nice, but not entirely honest. I want us to be able to be completely honest, even when it gets uncomfortable. Not only about what turns us on, but also about what doesn't.

And perhaps we are. And right now I'm worrying that S will read this, and feel hurt that I doubted his sincerity... God, what a long and pointless blog post. For you, poor readers (though I seriously doubt that any of you have made it all the way down here, and perhaps I even hope that none have), but not for me, though I can see how that's hard to understand. I just needed to get this off my chest, sort my thoughts a little... so that maybe I can express this better once I'm done sorting.

Perfecting the 3 pm session

I thought I had found the solution. My problem seems to be that I tend to stay on the bed once I've placed myself there, so I needed to find a way to keep the 3 pm masturbation session short and sweet, leaving time for more work afterwards.

So I packed everything I needed for work. I had a plan where and when to go. All I needed to do was to get off, and then take off.

I think it would have worked if I hadn't felt like sharing the moment with S. Though I knew I was aiming for a 10 minute break, I still messaged him, hoping he'd be there... and he was.

And so the 10 minute quickie turned into a 45 minute break. Again.

I'll keep working on it though, there has to be a way to make it work.

The advantages of not keeping an orgasm diary

• When the 3 pm horniness sets in, I can allow myself a ten minute quickie, knowing that it will only take ten minutes, not ten minutes and then another ten minutes to blog about it. (And instead of wasting the ten minutes I save to do more work, I can have another ten minute quickie.)
• After an intense couple of nightly hours with S, ending with the kind of climax that just makes me want to curl up next to him and drift off to sleep... I can do just that. In my thoughts. Without feeling I should blog about it.

But here I am, blogging about it anyway.

It just feels more real that way. As if putting it in writing proves it really happened.

Lost

I miss my orgasm diary days.

I've thoroughly enjoyed the climaxes I've had since I stopped counting, but I've missed taking the time to think back, to think them through, to see them in a new light, to get to enjoy them all over again when writing about them.

It's almost as if they never happened.

Last number

6 months. 171 numbered posts. 171 orgasms, each one unique and special, each one accounted for.

It has been a magnificent experiment. I have forced myself to be very, very honest, which has proved both challenging and useful.

When I started, I thought I'd write about my erotic fantasies. I quickly realized that wasn't at all what I wanted or needed to do. Instead, it has perhaps been more of a relationship blog, and S has been a huge part of it.

I've figured a lot of things out, and I have a need to go on doing that... the blog stays, but there will be no more numbered posts.

I'd like to thank all that have read and commented, or just read, and I invite you to keep reading, and commenting. Who knows what direction this blog will take...

Toy review

A long time ago, I received a vibrator from a company that markets and sells sex toys, in exchange for a review on the blog and the links you see in this paragraph, which seemed like a fair deal to me. Since my favourite vibe is showing signs of needing a replacement really soon, I looked into their selection of vibrators and chose a bullet, since it seems to be the favourite of many, while I've never even tried anything of the kind.

Still, it has taken me forever to try it out, mainly because I'm so addicted to my favourite vibe that it has taken me a while to sidestep that one enough times to write a fair review of this one.

For me, trying a sex toy once is like not trying it at all. Contrary to what is shown in porn clips, the mere touching of a sex toy to a woman's nether regions will not make her come, and come again, and again, until the sex toy is mercifully removed. It looks delicious but it doesn't work that way. Any sex toy, no matter how good, needs the powerful cooperation of the human mind in order to work. And for that reason, experiences will vary, not only with the toy used, but with the amount of arousal at the time.

Well, I have now used the RO-120mm bullet every now and then over an extended period of time, and here's my take on it.

For starters, it did come with batteries, which may be important if you're a first time sex toy user, but the rest of us, I assume, keep a huge stash of batteries at home (or, indeed, with us) anyway. More importantly, those batteries are of the AAA kind. Watch batteries are so impractical, and expensive, so I try to stay away from those.

Here's an amazing fact: Today is the first time I've changed batteries, in spite of having used it quite a few times by now. My regular vibrator literally eats batteries, so that's a huge plus!

This thing is very static, and for me, being used to bendier and softer stimuli, that took a long time to get used to. It has several modes, but I only use the steady vibration ones anyway. There are three of those, from a mild buzz to a fairly strong one, which suits me perfectly.

There's nothing delicious, nothing unexpected, nothing extra about this toy. However, the fact that it's a very handy size, not very loud, low on batteries and easy to clean, has made it my preferred travel toy. When I travel, I'm almost always with family - and those of you who are regulars to this blog will know that my husband has nothing to do with my toys or my alone playtime. There are no opportunities for long, delicious play - I simply need something discreet to help me get the job done, and this toy does it quietly and reliably.

Too bad it doesn't come with a nice travel bag. Luckily, I happened to have one just the right size. This toy fits very well in my travel toilet bag, and has gone with me on a few trips already... and it will go with me for this upcoming weekend as well  :-)