Maybe I'm getting less dependent on S after all? Or do I simply depend on him in a different way?
I used to feel so much shame, so much guilt, and he was so extraaordinarily good at helping me get past that.
He has taken me so far... I tend to go straight for the pleasure nowadays, without taking a detour around guilt. I speak so freely, so openly... both with him and with myself.
In a way I miss that resistance from within. Yes, I have to admit I miss some of those feelings of guilt and shame - I've had such a wonderful time taming them, challenging them. And I miss needing S to help me handle them.
I still need him - to sort my thoughts, to handle my fears (and some of the shame that still pops up of course)... but I think I want him more than I need him. I enjoy him rather than depend on him. It changes our roles a little bit.
It's so easy to be scared of change, and to look at it as the end of something. Instead, it's the start of something. I leaves room for other challenges. New pleasures. With him, hopefully.
In this spirit, I quickly stopped feeling desperate and scared when he suddenly had to leave, even though we were exploring new and frightening things. Instead, I actually had a wonderful time indulging in this new desire of mine.
I finished on my own, and a looong and goood finish it was.
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