Just as I was about to get out of bed this morning, S came online.
I've been having doubts about him lately, since we haven't talked much for quite some time. It's almost too complicated to write about... it's about a fear of losing my lust completely if I lose him. It's about an anger with myself that I've let myself become so dependent on him. But it's also about a joy in having let myself fall without worrying about the consequences, which I think I always have before in my life. I've always tried to be proactive, protecting myself, guarding my options, not letting myself in too close, so that I'll be able to get out quickly and relatively unhurt should I need to.
We've been talking intensely for well over a year, and by intensely I mean mostly hours every day. I don't think he'd agree, but I'd like to refer to it as some kind of infatuation... not the kind where we're looking (or secretly hoping) to form a life together, but an infatuation that has involved certain aspects of us - the erotic, the exploratory, the inquisitive ones.
And as infatuations do, this one too has faded. It had to.
Where does it leave us? What's left, when there's no natural next step? I have no previous experience of having a longterm lover (online or real) outside of my marriage, but I'm guessing many affairs are left in a vacuum after that first overwhelming time. Where can it possibly go?
We've talked about it every now and then, but since we don't really agree with the basic premises, or at least not on which labels or terminology to use for them, it has been a bit difficult. But I think we've arrived at some kind of new place now, and a conversation we had yesterday made a big difference for me.
It's as if we've taken a leap to a new rock, slightly below the peak, and survived. I'm probably not making sense at all, but that's how it feels for me. There may have been a shift in frequency, but not in intimacy, and not in desire. I have a very good feeling about this.
So now that some issues have been resolved, at least for me, it was like opening the sluices of horniness. We started talking this morning, and just like last night, though I had just come, I just had to go again.
"opening the sluices of horniness" - what a delightful expression. Old Will once wrote something like "There is a tide in the affair of women which, taken on the flood, lead to more orgasms", something like that anyway :)
ReplyDeleteYour writing is so emotive...your exploration of the connections between your erotic desires, their seeming dependence on S, including the revelation you shared about letting go..."having let myself fall without worrying about the consequences"...this, Johanna, is the fruit that has emerged from all of this...that is a profoundly important developmental/maturational "leap" (as you also referenced later). And, I think you are right...though you didn't say it in this way...women are often, understandably, very "guarded" (your word) about themselves...sometimes to the detriment of healthy self-awareness and growth.
ReplyDeleteHaving recently read your entire blog in sequence, you seem to be finding your wings...butterfly wings?
Cameron
So I've done this before, and you're right, the infatuation has to end, always does, but the next stage so soooo much better. When both of you can relax and not interact with each other for three days in a row, then pick up on the fourth day as if the previous three didn't exist, that's a level of peace and confidence that leads to much greater warmth and satisfaction. Your communication might not be as intense, but the depth of the relationship will make up for it many times over. My best lovers have been those who can call after a week away and say "I'm in your town on Friday. Wanna fuck?" leaving aside all of the drama that might come because of the week away.
ReplyDeleteClive - hm... that quote sounds vaguely familiar, but... oh never mind, I'm sure you're right, lol :-)
ReplyDeleteCameron - "seeming dependence"...? Haha... perhaps that's something I need to investigate further, but that would on the other hand require me to take a step I'm not interested in taking right now. You are very right though, this whole experience has taught me a lot not only about desires but also about relationships and my role in them, and how those two correspond. Still a lot to learn though... not quite ready to fly yet...
Stareintotheabyss - see, my problem is that the phrase "not interact for three days in a row" still makes me panic a little bit. I hear what you're saying - but doesn't the "let's fuck Friday" scenario exclude a certain amount of intimacy and closeness? That said (or rather, asked) I do think that depth can make up for intensity, or at least frequency.