Long and pointless

Sometimes I wonder... Perhaps I shouldn't wonder on here, and that's one of my concerns with this blog - that S knows about it. I honestly can't imagine having a blog that involves him and not telling him about it, so I have no regrets about letting him read it. But while it forces me to be honest, since there's a person who can cross check it for authenticity (which I like), it also prevents me from being honest about certain things. I don't want him to feel hurt or offended, but I also have a need to air doubts and thoughts that aren't always completely comfortable... not sure how to handle that.

I've been incredibly busy with work this past week, to the point of not even logging into the messenger that S and I use for talking. We've talked, definitely, but only for short whiles. Usually when that happens we compensate by talking at night, but lately I've experienced some health issues that have forced me to be a bit more careful with the amount of sleep I'm getting, and at the same time I've had to get up really early in the morning, which means we haven't been able to talk for a couple of nights either.

I so wanted to talk with him tonight. We sent each other little messages throughout the day and evening, not that many, but enough to make it very clear we both very much wanted to talk, and, frankly, that both were really horny.

I waited for him in bed. He came online late, and I had already been dozing for a while. Getting his first message made me wide awake, and instantly aroused...  and our fantasies took us into a taboo journey that we've been on before, but slightly different this time... each time is always different, that's the beauty of it.

But as I said, I wonder. I wonder if I took it too far. He keeps saying I can tell him everything, and I can, but I also keep saying that he doesn't have to share my every desire. There are those I'm fairly certain he doesn't share, that he's not particularly interested in exploring, and I respect that. I tell him anyway, but we don't use it for play. But tonight... perhaps he played along. I came hard, he didn't. Which doesn't mean anything, I know. Maybe he went online straight after having hot sex with his wife, what do I know (we never discuss that). Or maybe he just didn't feel like climaxing, simply enjoying the arousal... I know I have, many times. I just know that I was turned on to the point of exploding, while he perhaps was, or perhaps wasn't...  and I worry that I lead him to places he didn't want to go, but that for some reason he didn't want to let me know. Or maybe he just wanted to please me, why would that be so bad...? Ah, I wish I didn't worry so much about what he feels or doesn't feel. It's his responsibility, I know. But still. I don't want any of us to be too accommodating, I think that's it. Accomodating is nice, but not entirely honest. I want us to be able to be completely honest, even when it gets uncomfortable. Not only about what turns us on, but also about what doesn't.

And perhaps we are. And right now I'm worrying that S will read this, and feel hurt that I doubted his sincerity... God, what a long and pointless blog post. For you, poor readers (though I seriously doubt that any of you have made it all the way down here, and perhaps I even hope that none have), but not for me, though I can see how that's hard to understand. I just needed to get this off my chest, sort my thoughts a little... so that maybe I can express this better once I'm done sorting.