Thursday, June 30, 2011

#171, June 30, mid-day

I had resolved to work efficiently all day. Don't ask me why I even bothered to log into the messenger this morning.

I immediately got a message from S, who told me he was on the chat site, logged in with our couple's profile.

It only took me a minute to create a second, similar profile, so that both of us could be online, and soon S said hello to me from within the chat room. We were both excited, discussing which other profiles to approach.

I couldn't help thinking back, on that night almost one and a half years ago, when we met on that same chat site. The topics we've explored since then, the secrets we've shared, the ups and downs we've gone through, the events in our "real" lives that have happened since then and that we have shared and discussed. The many changes in my erotic self, and probably in his too. And here we were, confidently sailing into the chat room as an online couple.

Anyway, no-one seemed overly interested in getting to know us, so we abandoned the chat site and moved on to phone instead.

So here I am, a few hours into the work day, not having achieved much work-wise - but very relaxed, and with a big smile on my face.

#170, June 29, night

S and I are not talking much during work hours these days, which I'm fine with, since I'm sort of enjoying focusing on work for once.

But nights... are hot. I can't talk every night, since I'm really busy with work and I can't work if I'm too sleep deprived. Like most lovers I try to work out ways that we can talk anyway... tonight I slept for two full hours before he came online. The laptop was on the bed next to me, and I woke by the message sound alert. I wonder if he'd think it silly if he knew. I don't really care. Whatever works, works.

And tonight we talked about something we haven't discussed before.... which I enjoyed. A lot.

The probing. The implying. The pauses. The hesitation.

Mmm. We're so good at this: exploring.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

#169, June 27, night

After a few nights without talking it's as if both S and I were having withdrawal symptoms.

We ended up talking for a couple of hours, revealing new secrets... I'm amazed there are still secrets to tell...? In fact, these are not secrets as much as breaking new ground. Going places none of us have ever been before. Doing it together is so very exciting.

We can tell each other anything.

Anything.

Really: Anything.

Monday, June 27, 2011

#168, June 27, mid-day

I wish I had time to write more about this... but it's been a few hours since it happened now, I just didn't have the opportunity to write it down right after, like I normally do.

So I'll only say this:
  • Chatting with S.
  • Busy parking lot downtown.
  • In the car.
And the reason I'm too busy to say more is that it's now very late, and I'm in bed, chatting with S again, re-enacting the above mentioned incident, filling him in on little details that I didn't have time to tell him when it happened. In short: recycling :-)

    #167, June 26, night

    I've been away with family. Without an internet connection. It had its upsides and its downsides.

    I was very focused on family, which was good.
    I was very frustrated by the lack of alone time, which was bad.
    I enjoyed more or less innocent erotic daytime fantasies, inspired by the new environment in which I was finding myself, which was fun.

    But at night... that's when it got difficult. I wasn't alone, most of the time. I didn't have the possibility to read stories or watch clips. I could barely even talk with S, though we actually did chat briefly a couple of nights, though cut short due to an almost non-existant phone connection.

    So what happened was that my fantasies were put under a magnifying glass. A burning-glass. Concentrated, thickened, intensified. Enough to make me push past that last resistance, to the point where I could climax even though I wasn't alone, even though there were no locks on doors, even though I never felt completely at ease with masturbating.

    And after letting those fantasies out last night I've really, really been looking forward to coming home, and to get to explore those fantasies with the aide of clips, sound, stories.

    After coming to bed tonight there was a not insignificant part of me that wanted to wait for S. But he hasn't been around for a couple of days, and I didn't feel like waiting - perhaps in vain, perhaps resulting in me going to sleep without playing.

    So I went ahead without him. And it was good.

    I still miss him though.

    Sunday, June 26, 2011

    #166, June 25, night

    I did it. Not sure whether to be proud or ashamed: I masturbated and came while away on a short holiday, with one of my kids asleep in the same (small)room.

    Not a very intense climax, but one that I've been looking forward to all day.

    Thursday, June 23, 2011

    #165, June 23, mid-day

    Talked with S, got so very aroused, but said goodbye in the middle of a very hot fantasy because I really, really needed to work. Then I realized that I was too distracted to work, so I had to make myself come. A real quickie, five minutes, ten perhaps.

    Now I'll have to try very, very hard not to keep going.... work, work, work...

    #164, June 22, night

    I wasn't the only one having fun with our couple's profile on the chat site yesterday.

    After my successful adventure with A in the morning, S felt like playing too. He had an opportunity to go online later that evening, and the thought really, really turned me on. I was hoping he'd come online later that night, I wanted to know if he'd found someone... and he did, and he had.

    He told me about her, and it was hot. His arousal was so obvious. He surprised me by telling me that he needed to come, when I had barely started touching myself. I think we both enjoyed the new energy that came from playing with new people... but I also think that we most of all loved that we both found it so erotic to share that arousal with each other.

    I'll fast forward a little. Tonight, we both ended up chatting with S's new acquaintance, M. (I'll consider putting together a quick reference guide of all the letters at play.) And this is where it gets tricky... I don't begrudge S his feelings of arousal and desire, but... well, I don't share them. She doesn't strike me as very genuine. I know that S feels the same way, but I don't think it bothers him the way it bothers me.

    Perhaps it's a good thing. Perhaps that's why I don't have any of the feelings of jealousy that more or less consumed me at times back when we were both talking with J. J was so alluring, so erotic, so REAL. I can imagine playing a little with M, but truly connecting? No.

    (Or have we simply gotten more secure with each other? I feel rather confident that S will remain my lover, no matter what happens with M, or for that matter with A, whom I talked with yesterday... perhaps a passing feeling, I'd better enjoy it while it's here...)

    After M left I was a little confused. I so wanted to vent my feelings with S, but he had to go almost immediately. I felt a bit frustrated... so I did what I normally do on a Wednesday night when feeling frustrated... I watched a clip, and came.

    And I'm still very curious about what will happen next.

    Tuesday, June 21, 2011

    #163, June 21, mid-day

    Ok, getting a little embarrassing. I can't stop. Just me this time though, me and my thoughts. I will stop now. I really really need to work. But it's so so delicious. But I will stop.

    ##160 & 161 & 162, June 21, morning/mid-day

    Wow.

    Ok. Enter A.

    It started last night, when S and I were fantasizing about playing with another woman... it's a recurring fantasy, but last night we daydreamed in a slightly more realistic way, and I ended up creating a profile for us as we were talking, and went into a chat room to look for that third.

    Those of you who have been following this blog almost from the start might remember J... she and I, or she and S, have no contact now, but our time with her was an incredibly turbulent, exciting, arousing experience, from which I think we all learned something, and gained something.

    Anyway... nothing ended up happening last night, though it was both exciting and fun - me exploring and talking in the chat room, while telling S about it all, and discussing with him whom to try to talk to, and what to ask. But this morning... I woke up horny, thinking about it... and couldn't resist using our new couple's profile to go into the chat again... where I was approached by A, a single woman in her thirties.

    S said goodmorning in another window about the same time - we didn't talk all three, but I sent little greetings both ways, though it was definitely mainly about me and A getting to know each other.

    And before I knew it, I was in the middle of a voice chat with her... (her idea, not mine!). We started hesitatingly, but in between her words I could hear the most delicious little sighs, which turned me on no end... She told me later that she wasn't very close to start with, but suddenly she was so incredibly aroused... and I could actually hear it while it was going on, I could tell that she was taken by surprise, and frankly so was I. We both came, sighing, growling almost, and afterwards we were laughing because it wasn't at all what we'd thought it would be.

    After saying goodbye to A I immediately told all to S, who was very curious and waiting in another chat window... and telling him made me so horny that I had to go again, and I was practically begging him to call me, which he actually did. He whispered to me from a conference room at work, which turned me on so much that I came almost immediately.

    And writing about it has made me so horny that I set off to round three, so I'll have to add another number to the title. God, what a day.

    Very curious to know what will happen next.

    Monday, June 20, 2011

    Women, part 3

    You may want to read part 1 and part 2 first.

    For a long period of time after my failed lesbian romance, I was at a relationship standstill. I lived alone and had a good life with many friends, but no steady partner. The one-night-stands were all male, as well as my one-week-a-year lover. After a couple of years I fell in love, with a man. It was a troubled relationship, the on-and-off kind, but it was definitely very passionate and the sex was among the best I've ever had. To me, he was the ultimate proof that my excursion into gay love was simply a momentary lapse of reason (and yes, I love the song). I was finally proven straight again, and very relieved.

    The passionate lover left, and after a short while I met my husband. That's over 15 years ago, and during all these years, I haven't dreamt about women, which to me has, again, proven that I'm as heterosexual as they come. But now, when I think back, I realize that I haven't dreamt about men either. Once I met the person I wanted to live with and have kids with, I closed all doors. He was enough for me. I wasn't available to others. I didn't look, I didn't flirt. It sounds catastrophic but it was what I wanted, and I have no regrets about it.

    Things happened, and I won't go into them now. But: enter - chat. Online life. The disclosure of dreams, of fantasies. This was about a year and a half ago... and lead to the opening of that door that I'd kept closed for 15 years. First in my online life, rapidly followed by my real life, which is to say I started looking at men differently, and acknowledging that they looked at me with eyes I hadn't been aware of for very long.

    I "met" S. After a couple of months of very, very intense talking, he asked me if I'd ever been interested in women. I said no, but continued by saying, "but I was in love with a woman once". It felt natural to tell him, and I was relieved - but I was still straight. And it still made a difference to me that I was.

    It was after that that the fantasies and daydreams started. Of women. Of beautiful, sexy, erotic, alluring women. With soft curves, with warm breasts, with dreams of a first kiss. With promises of another life, another kind of relationship.

    I was over 40 years old, but I was lost. Again.

    #159, June 19, night

    I've been aroused large parts of the day, on account of something related to work, oddly enough. I've gone online to look for S quite a few times, but he hasn't been around. And as usual, the arousal has piled up. Disappearing at times, then reappearing, each time adding to the pile, accumulating.

    When I went to bed I knew that I needed to come. I had just selected an erotic story when S messaged me. It was well past midnight. We didn't really get into any one fantasy, and then he had to go. Perhaps he sensed it wasn't really going somewhere... and I don't blame him for it. Sometimes I get the feeling I'm using him, for my very selfish need to get off.

    I felt like sleeping, but just had to make myself come first, so I read the story I had chosen earlier.

    It wasn't very good; neither the story nor the climax. But at least I'll sleep well.

    Saturday, June 18, 2011

    #158, June 17, night

    S and I didn't talk all day, due to a chat client glitch, it turned out. None of us received the offline messages that the other was sending, which meant we missed an opportunity to talk on the phone that we'd both looked forward to.

    Luckily, we reconnected for a while in the evening, and for a couple of hours (must have been like almost three?!) at night. Memories, fantasies, dreams.

    He came a while before I did, and JUST as I came he had to go. I was left all alone with my postcoital urge for cuddling, which probably only would have manifested itself as a couple of sentences and a goodnight anyway, but I really, really missed those. Felt really empty and lonely.

    But it has been a very good night so far... and very late now... in case someone is on at this hour (after all, it's not late all over the world), I might as well take the opportunity to say

    goodnight.

    Friday, June 17, 2011

    Toys, part 3

    I love sex toys.

    I can't believe it's only been a year and a half since I bought my first toy. It was a cheap piece of bright pink plastic, and I soon started dreaming of something a bit different. I went to the toy store in town and carefully chose a medium priced g-spot/clit vibe, purplish-transparent, which I of course had to try as soon as I got home, even though the children were in the house.

    I hid under the duvet, telling the kids I had to rest for a while. I tried it - and immediately knew that no fingers, actually no person, could ever do what this thing was doing to me.

    That vibe is now over a year old, and very, very well used. I've tried to find a new one exactly like it, with no success. The thought of it breaking almost makes me panic.

    So, needless to say, I'm always on the hunt, and I love browsing through toy sites. I rarely buy anything, but after looking around for a while I'll often move to the bed and open my secret toy drawer, which now hosts quite the collection, for a pleasurable alone moment.

    So far nothing compares to my purple favourite, but a few do very well as complementary tools. I'll write about one of those, soon. Until I do, here's the fave vibe - if you know where to buy one of these I'll consider a reward...

    Yes, it's bendy... It has two separate vibrating bullets. The intensity would vary when turning the knob, but that rarely works nowadays.

    Thursday, June 16, 2011

    #157, June 16, mid-day

    Sometimes I seriously wonder if there's something wrong with me. Don't know whether to be embarrassed or worried, or both, or neither.

    After working intensely all morning, and still looking at a very busy afternoon, I was hit by an overwhelming horniness. I've been exchanging a couple of offline messages with S, and I literally mean a couple, so I don't think that's what threw me into this.

    I gave myself ten minutes, but I didn't quite make it. It was more like twelve. Plus a couple more to write this. There, I'm off to run errands.

    (Perhaps a hormonal disorder...?)

    Women, part 2

    You may want to read part 1 first.

    That specific Saturday, I had to work. My friend didn't, but we had still planned for her to come with me, just for the fun of it. We were supposed to meet in a neighbouring city in the morning. We hadn't been able to meet up much for a few days so I had really looked forward to it. And I mean really.looked.forward.to.it. Thinking about it now, I'm completely amazed I still hadn't understood.

    It wasn't until she called me that morning, to say that the 50+ lover and she had had a bit too much to drink the night before, and that it had gotten a bit too late, and that they had engaged a bit too much in other activities besides sleep that past night for her to be able to meet up with me. Only then did the realization hit me.

    I was in a vast empty parking lot, in a small town that was still asleep early that Saturday morning. It was very windy, and cold - late autumn, almost winter. It suited my mood perfectly, as I stood there, the icey wind in my eyes, the dry dead leaves blowing around my feet, tears streaming down my face.  Crying out of jealousy, out of a broken heart, out of shock, from realizing that I loved her, and from realizing that she loved me, and that she had desperately tried everything to make me realize it, even going so far as to use her lover to provoke me. And above it all was the big scary word, so easy to accept about others, but so unthinkable for me to use as a label for myself: LESBIAN. (I don't even think I knew there was such a thing as bisexuality. God, I knew so little.)

    I've never been a conservative person, and still can't understand why it was so difficult for me to accept. Little things, like "how do I tell my parents", became insurmountable problems. I thought about how much hardship I would face if I was open about what I had found out about myself, and I thought about the hardhips i would face if I hid it.

    Obviously, millions before me have done it, quite successfully, including her. Did that inspire me? Did I decide that she was worth it?

    No. For some reason I thought that I, contrary to those other millions, wouldn't be able to handle it. Instead I made a very deliberate decision not to acknowledge it.

    Never has anyone showed love for me so openly, and never have I been so slow to understand. Never have I turned it down so forcefully, and never have I hurt anyone so terribly. I moved away from her city, and country, shortly thereafter.

    About a year later, I told an acquaintance at a party about my experience. She was gay and I thought she'd understand, but she didn't. This was around 20 years ago, and I never told anyone else after that, not even my husband, whom I met a couple of years later, after finally mending my severed heart.

    Not until I told S last year, that is.

    Wednesday, June 15, 2011

    #156, June 15, afternoon

    I thought it was a quickie. Felt like I got aroused with the speed of lightning, and came like a freight train. Suddenly, I found myself on the floor of the living room, a toy nearby, half naked, the door to the garden still open (I was very quiet), panting and very relaxed.

    But when I saw the time I realized almost 1,5 hrs had gone by, talking and daydreaming with S.

    The pros and cons of an online affair

    Much like any animal, a person will learn from actual results following an action, rather than reasoning and logic.

    Action: I bring up an idea (something I want to try, or do) with my husband.
    Result: He says "sure, we'll do that sometime", and then never brings it up again.
    What did I learn? That there's no point in telling him what I want.
    End result: Lack of communication. Unhappy wife, with doubts as to how long I will be able to stand not having my needs and wishes met. Unhappy husband, who has no idea why his wife isn't ever happy about things.

    Now I realize the above strategy probably failed because I wasn't clear enough. He might have responded differently had I told him, for example, that I wanted him to tie me up and tease me for five hours straight without letting me climax, while I sucked him and let him come in my throat, or indeed anywhere he wished, as many times as he wished.

    True, I didn't put it quite that way to him. But in my mind, it feels as if I tried all sorts of ways to bring up ideas with my husband, both with regards to sex and with regards to other things. Nothing ever happened.

    Action: I went online.
    Result: I found what I was looking for, and more: Satisfaction, passion, interaction, arousal, intimacy, immediate response to any idea I felt like broaching, and an endless source of breathtaking exploration.
    What did I learn? That if I want something, I have to get it for myself. That if I really decide to go get it, I really can have it.

    This may seem like a hazardous road, relationship-wise. And it is, of course. It's the road to infidelity, to intimacy lost, to needs that belong in a marriage satisfied elsewhere.

    But let's leave sex out of it for a while. A marriage is so much more (yes, it is). Looking at other, important aspects, my online life hasn't only stolen from my marriage - it has also given back. I have learned how to get things for myself. I've stopped seeing my marriage as an obstacle for my own needs and wishes.

    Example: I felt I needed more space, but any attempts to bring it up so far have been met with hurt feelings from my husband. So instead of talking about it, I went right ahead and figured out how to organize a little private office at home, which would also free up space for my husbands's things, and then told my husband that I had decided on rearranging some things, and I told him how. And he said "sounds fine to me, sure, let's do it".

    Another example: I wanted to try a new activity, that would inevitably steal from family time, that my husband had said for many years that we "could try sometime", but every time I suggested that we actually do it there seemed to be so many other things that were more urgent. So I figured out where and how to do it, and told my husband that I'd be away the next evening, so he'd have to put the kids to bed. And he said "ok, have fun". After a while, I found a way to engage one of my kids in the same activity, and I have hopes that the rest of the family, including my husband, will come along eventually.

    I am a stronger, more independent woman now. I don't go around waiting for something to happen, while whining to myself about the fact that nothing ever does.

    Sexually, I've come to realize that I don't desire my husband. As sad as that may be, it's still better now that I'm aware of my feelings. I've found other ways to satisfy my needs, and I've found a way to keep my husband reasonably happy. It's not an ideal situation, with regards to marital intimacy, but while it hasn't improved my sex life with husband, nor has it made it worse. I think we both have more realistic expectations now, and both seem to be able to live with it, for the time being.

    There are issues... mainly when I'm unhappy with my online life... when I'm worried, afraid, sad. Those feelings tend to follow me into my "real" life, and I hate that they sometimes steal focus from my family. But when I feel my thoughts slipping from the movie I'm watching with my husband, to feelings of worry or sadness, I tell myself: I want this. I need the turbulence. It may hurt right now, and I don't always know that there's a good ending in sight, but my hurt only proves my emotional life is getting some exercise, which is a good thing. That exercise is hard to find within the suburban routine marriage of 15+ years.

    In those situations, I also tend to see clearer which is my "main" life. After an initial bout of panic, when I realize that my "real" life may not be everything I once dreamt it would be, I tend to find my way back. I realize that I want this, too - and not only the children, but also my marriage. I love the predictability, the friendship, the close bonds. I love the deep intimacy that perhaps isn't very erotic after all these years, and after seeing needs follow diverting paths, but nevertheless it's a deep intimacy that I want and need. I love my husband.

    If I hadn't pursued my online life I'm not sure I'd be so sure of that.

    #155, June 14, night

    S and I haven't talked much lately, but we've seen nothing of the loss of intimacy that (I think) we usually suffer when that happens, and I haven't worried much, or been scared of losing him. Which is odd. But really, really good.

    The fact that I don't mind the drop in frequency suggests it's a step back. The fact that I feel so very close to him whenever we do talk suggests that it's a step ahead. I don't know, and frankly I don't care.

    We chatted for a while tonight, about this and that. Work. Film. Sex. More sex. Fantasies. More fantasies. Intense fantasies. Taboo fantasies.

    I suddenly knew I would come within minutes... I didn't want to, but it had been a few days and I was simply hit by this super intense arousal that seemed to suck in my fingers, the vibe, his voice, the pictures in my head... everything was leading up to the moment of release, at a relentless speed over which I had no control. I've missed coming with him so I tried to hold back, but couldn't. I had to tell him, and he told me he wanted me to come... now.

    So I did.

    Oh I've missed it so. My eyelids, my thighs, my upper stomach, my shoulders, my feet... they are all so relaxed, it's incredible.

    We talked some more after. There seems to be some phone sex coming up in the near future. He also made a request that made me smile, and blush.

    I could keep talking all night, but it's of no interest to anyone, and I have to sleep.

    Monday, June 13, 2011

    Women, part 1

    I don't know where to start, but I'll probably start with one of the best memories of my life, and one of my deepest regrets.

    I was 20 something. And by that I mean like 22. I had recently moved to a new city to work, in fact a new country, and one of my new collegues, a woman five or six years older than me, very quickly became a very good friend - the kind of friend you hang out with ALL the time. The kind of friend to whom you don't say "you want to do something Saturday?", but rather "what do you want to do Saturday?".

    She wasn't openly gay, but she was open about it to her friends, including me. I didn't mind, and I didn't care. I had a few gay friends back home, it wasn't a big deal.

    For years, she had had an ongoing affair with another colleague of ours, an older woman (50+). It was mainly erotic and I was impressed, and intrigued, but nothing else. I myself got involved with a married man... and if anything, our respective affairs stole from our time spent as friends, which annoyed us both - but hey, a woman has needs. It seemed like a perfect arrangement - a beautiful friendship to satisfy our souls, a couple of pleasant affairs for sex, perhaps with the odd one night stand thrown in every now and then.

    Months went by. I wouldn't admit it to myself, but I grew increasingly jealous of the 50+ woman. They seemed to spend more and more time together. I started to feel left out, and it all culminated on one specific Saturday morning.

    Let me rephrase that: It culminated on a specific Saturday morning, which I only the other day remembered, after not having thought about it for years and years and years, and recalling it made me re-interpret large portions of my life.

    This post is already too long, so I'll take a break here. I need to write about this though, so I'll probably continue very soon.

    Sunday, June 12, 2011

    Friday, June 10, 2011

    #153, June 10, morning

    Last night, talking with S, was just so very intimate. I knew he was naked, in bed, in the dark... so I undressed, and lay naked too, in the dark. It felt as if we were in the same room. As if it was the darkness, not the distance, that prevented us from seeing each other.

    There is so much... I've always found it hard to believe that a person can repress memories, but I've seen much proof of it in my conversations with S - how his non judgemental attitude has made me open up completely, and release memories that have been hidden for 20 years or more.

    I may share one such important memory on here one of these days, one that suddenly popped up a couple of days ago and has made me see some things about myself in a different light.

    After those moments of intense sharing with S yesterday we imagined something, and it was hot... and we both came to it... and today we couldn't resist continuing the fantasy. I hadn't planned it but I was suddenly in the middle of, shall we call it an experiment. Which aroused me so that I had to make myself come directly afterwards. And now all sorts of props are scattered around me on the bed and I really, really should work.

    And no, neither the fantasy nor the experiment were in any way related to the memory.

    I feel like an open book. I know, not to you - I realize I'm being very secretive here. But to myself. As if I've just now found a book named "Johanna, the true story". Perhaps not of much interest to others, but to me - very.

    #152, June 9, night

    So, so, so, so intimate.

    I have to sleep. I might update this post tomorrow. Or not.

    I've had an incredible couple of days... alive, alert, awake. Happy. Life is good.

    Wednesday, June 8, 2011

    #151, June 8, afternoon

    The four o'clock horniness was impossible to resist today. Hurried, intense, sweaty.

    I should hop in the shower, I should talk for a couple of hours with S, I should relax and maybe even take a nap, I should work a few more hours...  but, as all parents of young children will know, it's time for the busiest few hours of the day.

    Glad I can meet them with a refreshed mind and a relaxed body.

    #150, June 7, night

    I was stressed with work, and stayed up late, trying to catch up. But... I kept the messenger window open, and I knew that if S showed up I would forget completely about work. Of course.

    And that's exactly what happened. When he had to leave suddenly after about an hour we hadn't really gotten anywhere, in terms of explicit cyber, but our conversation made me feel close to him, fond of him, excited with the prospects of exploring more with him, aroused by, among other things, the scary question of just how far we're willing to take this.

    By the time he left it was very late, but still I managed to work efficiently for about an hour. And then I desperately needed sleep, but I knew it wouldn't come easy, with the pent-up arousal still in there somewhere, and still wound up about work.

    So I got myself a little quickie. A short clip, some added thoughts, an imagined dialogue, a brief session with the vibe... et voilĂ . I won't get many hours of sleep, but I'll definitely sleep well.

    Monday, June 6, 2011

    #149, June 6, afternoon

    My family was at home. I withdrew to work, door closed around me. Took out my work things, but couldn't resist logging on to the chat client as well. Got a message from S... answered... got one back...

    When messages had flowed for over an hour I couldn't resist slipping a very small vibe inside my panties... and I'll leave you to imagine the rest.

    Feeling very relaxed now, with a smile on my face. And some work to catch up on.

    #148, June 5, night

    10 things that have aroused me today (slightly censored version):

    1. Meeting a couple I'm loosely acquainted with in town. They're both attractive. He's flirtatious (when I catch him alone). She's jealous as hell (when I'm not with my husband). (I have all kinds of fantasies about him. And her. And them.)

    2. Fantasizing about the woman I flirt with. (I won't see her for another couple of months, sadly.)

    3. Getting really, really, really angry in a store, resulting in getting a 120 euro discount. (Releasing anger is very powerful. And rare.)

    4. Seeing a charming young man, early 20s, with very long hair, a tall muscular body, a great smile and an attitude in a store. (This really surprised me.)

    5. Seeing a woman in another store. (Won't disclose what aroused me about her.)

    6. Having a completely un-erotic and sort of formal skype conversation with a stranger, regarding an arrangement. (The whole thing, both the arrangement and the skyping, made my thoughts wander. Mainly to S.)

    7. Watching porn clips for 7 minutes, without sound, my family unknowing but at home, not with the intention of masturbating, just teasing myself a little. (Very succsessful, the tease.)

    8. Seeing something on tv, which caused a physical reaction I haven't felt in years. (Won't go into the nature of it.)

    9. Getting a message from S shortly after I settled into bed. (I've missed him so.)

    10. Talking with S for one and a half hours, at night, in bed. (I told him about the woman in the store... and we took it from there.)

    S disappeared just as I was getting really close, but my thoughts were unstoppable... I came 10 minutes later, wishing he'd been there, but very glad I got to talk with him.

    Sunday, June 5, 2011

    #147, June 4, late night

    Ok, already doing a pretty good job at letting that arousal out.

    What started as a night where I was a little sad that S wasn't around evolved into one of those lovely falling-in-and-out-of-sleep nights, where each awakening and each falling asleep is a haze of arousal, almost like a dream.

    Then I woke up a little more, and watched another clip or two. Came to a video showing a woman completely lost in pleasure, screaming out her lust, riding a sybian, while her female friend is sitting behind her, caressing her, touching her.

    Ever since I started watching porn, I've wondered whether sybians really exist. Has any real person ever tried one of these, or is it a porn myth? Anyway, it does look delicious.

    #146, June 4, night

    S and I are not in an intense phase, partly because I've been busy, partly because I don't know what. It worries me a lot. And yes, I realize this must be getting tiring for the readers of this blog. It is to me as well. And to good friend G, who sighed when I told him and said:  "I don't know why you worry. You know he'll always come back".

    But that's the point. I don't know.

    Tonight, I debated with myself for some time whether masturbating would make me miss him more or not. Then I got tired with myself and watched a video and came within minutes. It's been too long...

    And yes. Masturbating did make me wish intensely that he'd been here. But it did my body good, definitely.

    I have to pick myself up. Or maybe not. Deep down, I'm glad I'm at least honest to myself. Even feelings of sadness and worry are good, somehow. I feel alive. Call me stupid, but I like being attached to him - painful at times, wonderful at other times. The wonderful outweighs the painful by far, so far, so I'll stick with it.

    I'll just have to work on the fact that I let my feelings get in the way of pleasure. Of arousal, even. Enough of that.

    Thursday, June 2, 2011

    HNT, June 2, 2011

    This picture didn't come out as I intended it, and I'm well aware it's not what one would traditionally call a "good" photo. But I seem to remember a wise comment about the merit of not labeling things "good" and "bad", lol... Anyway, for some reason the image stuck with me, and I like it.




    Wednesday, June 1, 2011

    #145, June 1, afternoon

    The logistics of daytime masturbation addiction are not easy to manage, at least not for someone like me, who works from home and has no supervisor to make sure I get the job done.

    There's the morning masturbation. It's lovely, and feels especially luxurious. Kids off to school, me back to bed. The risk is that it sets the mood for the day, and nothing gets done. At least nothing that pays. In money.

    There's the mid-day masturbation. In the best case scenario, it's a refreshing break that allows me to go back to work a half hour or so later, filled with new energy. But there's always the temptation to stay on the bed, come down, relax... perhaps talk a little... and before I know it, I'm on round two, and I never seem to get back to work before I have to call it a day.

    Then there's the late afternoon masturbation. From a work perspective, this is by far the best. If I give myself 20 minutes, I can usually just about finish in time to make sure my hair, clothes and breathing are reasonably in order before I have to pick up the kids, or before they invade the house. A bonus is the secret smile and the ability to meet any little annoyance with a splendid mood. The downside is that I sometimes start so late that I don't get to finish, or family comes home early for some reason. On such days, my frustration is horrible, as is my mood.

    Today I had one of the mid-day sessions which stretched long into the afternoon, and one of the successful five-minute quickies, just before I heard the bikes pull up out front.

    I didn't get much done, admittedly. But I had a good day.

    #144, June 1, mid-day

    I've found such a very delightful new desire. With S, of course. Can't get enough.

    I waited for him today... I was horny, but he was nowhere to be seen. Sometimes I like some alone play, but today I really felt like sharing it with him, especially since I was fantasizing about this specific kink, which to me is a little scary still, so I need him around for reassurance.

    When I felt I couldn't take it any more I went ahead without him. I started reading a very arousing and befitting story, but after reading about half and just after I fired up my vibrator, there he was. Telepathy? Coincidence?

    It was so much better with him than without him. I told him what happened in the story as I read along, and he commented, and we made a few little excursions into fantasies of our own. I was on the verge of coming the entire time, so when I got to the end of the story I exploded.

    Out of all orgasms, I think those are the ones I like best - the ones that I finally allow myself, after a long time on the edge.

    #143, May 31, night

    Over the last few days, worries have effectively blocked my lust.

    I had a conversation with S a few nights ago, which ended badly. I shared something painful with him, that had nothing to do with sex, something personal. As it turned out the topic was even more complicated to him, and it made him so sad that he ended up logging off. He didn't talk for a couple of days.

    There is an incredible intimacy between us, but it's restricted to erotic fantasies only, and I can't really make up my mind how I feel about that. As far as erotic explorations go, we're constantly moving forward, both of us open, curious, discovering new things. Perhaps a certain degree of emotional distance is a prerequisite? Because emotionally, we stay within very strict limits, that even seem to get narrower as we move along. I'm not entirely happy with that.

    Oh well. He came online this morning, and he very obviously didn't want to talk about what happened Saturday, or why. So we happily moved on to a fantasy that had me wet and comfortably aroused a fair portion of the day. And tonight we shared a delicious, detailed fantasy, over which we both came.

    I'm very glad he's back, but his lack of response to my worries has had me thinking.