HNT, September 29, 2011: Forest

I know. I said goodbye and all... but I went for a walk in a nearby forest the other morning, and there was just something about the dripping moisture and the light mist and the low sun and the slippery, muddy ground and the smell of rotten fruit and decaying leaves and fungus that was so intensely erotic.

If I had had no boundaries whatsoever I would have stripped naked and lain down on the wet leaves and the mud, and made myself come right then and there. But I didn't... of course I didn't.

I did take a couple of pictures however, and I have nowhere to show them but on here. I loved feeling the cool, crisp air on my breasts... and truth be told, I loved feeling slightly nervous that someone would spot me as well, though I hid a little in a clearing away from the walking path, and I only saw two persons during my half hour in the forest anyway, so there wasn't exactly a crowd to watch out for.

Go see more hnt:ers at Osbasso's.

Goodbye

A concerned reader emailed me and alerted me to the fact that my posts as of late have started to show signs of ennui.

And he's right. I don't really know why I blog any more.

I suppose I should explain myself. The thing is that the topics for this blog - my sex life and my online relationship - have been some of the key elements in a far greater process. I wasn't aware of that when I started writing, but the fact is that during the life span of this blog, which is less than a year, I have gone from a point where I had serious doubts about my marriage and the general direction my life was going in, to a point where I have created a more independent position for myself within that same marriage, and where I feel I'm in charge of my own life. My husband hasn't always been thrilled, but he has accepted the changes with greater ease than I could have ever imagined.

And though I will continue to explore new erotic frontiers, and though the online affair is still very much ongoing, I don't feel the need to analyze their existence anymore. I think I'm pretty confident by now that they are treasured and necessary parts of my "new" life, and I will simply enjoy them now.

I should thank you for your input, of course... but I'll have to be honest: what has meant the most for me has been knowing that my thoughts are read by someone. That fact has forced me to clarify my thinking before hitting "publish", and all that extra thinking has really made a huge difference. So to all of you: a sincere thank you.

Mmm

Finally. It's been so long... a long, late conversation in the dark... must have been over two hours. We weren't cut off, for which I'm very grateful ;-)

Sleepy now.

And completely relaxed.

An impossible fantasy

I often fantasize about being in a relationship without kids, with an attractive man.

In my dreams I imagine a lazy Saturday, a long breakfast, a latte, reading the newspaper - much like today.

Then getting a little bored, and very horny - much like today.

And then seducing... being teased... having the last drops of latte dripped on my nipples, sucked off... my ass grabbed... a hard cock brushing against my leg... a whispering voice, very close to my ear, telling me not to move... feeling my body respond, my skin damp and electric...

Very much not like today.

I can't work on making my fantasy come true, since I'd never wish to be without my family - my lovey but un-attractive husband, my kids that I love more than anything.

I sometimes dream of it happening in a distant future, when the kids have grown up. But by then I'll be an old lady. Somehow I can't fit that into the fantasy.

I suppose I'll have to start writing porn. Or find a real life lover.

In fact, if I had some alone time and if S were online, that'd be absolutely wonderful too.

Instead, I will now bake cookies with my oldest daughter. Not bad at all - but not quite what my body tells me I need right now.

HNT, September 15 2011: Curves

I was talking with S last night. We were cut off, and I lay in the dark, watching my naked body, only lit by the cool light of the laptop screen. I felt as if I was watching with his eyes.

Visit Osbasso and see who else is half nekkid this week.

Regrets

Ok, so I have an issue with phone sex. I love it but I get too lost in it, it's so intense I lose focus, or rather, I am so completely focused on my own pleasure I forget everything else. Afterward I'm struck with doubts and feelings of inadequacy and selfishness.

I explained all of the above when S turned out to be at home today, offering to call. He said he understood, but I felt horrible and regretted having said anything at all. We said goodbye... but my head was spinning, and I couldn't stop thinking about his voice.

I can't believe I turned down one of the rare occasions on which we could phone each other. I got hornier and hornier, and after a while I messaged him, telling him of my regrets... poor man, he probably wishes quite often that he was involved with someone just a tad less emotional!

I was so aroused, on the brink of coming... but I had a faint hope he'd come back online, so I waited. I have to say those were some very, very pleasurable ten minutes, staying on the edge just in case he'd be back... but finally I couldn't take it anymore, and came, and went offline.

Oh well, I suppose I learned a lesson :-)

Coffee break

I've been working very efficiently today. I didn't open the messenger - I knew that if I did, there was a great risk of me leaving my notes and assignments aside, and instead finding myself on the bed, panting.

S hasn't been feeling well and I've been busy, so we've hardly talked the last few days, just some quick reports and hellos. I've missed him... and in the afternoon I couldn't resist any longer. I went online, and within minutes he said hello.

And within another few minutes images were flowing, invading my brain, shoving all thoughts of work to a dark corner... We didn't say much, but we didn't need much either - there were mentions of a wet tip, a throbbing clit, hot skin and eager fingers, and something else as well... or was half of that in my imagination even? As well as in his, probably... Seconds later - literally seconds - my sex was throbbing, and my hand on its way under my dress..

I showed remarkable self discipline, and stopped there. Back to work.

But it was a beautiful coffee break. Without coffee.

Betrayal

I’m the first to admit that I’m betraying the trust of my husband.

He vaguely knows that I masturbate when he’s not around, but he has no idea that I’ve been talking with an online lover on a daily basis for almost two years now, and that I climax with said lover several times a week, and with myself most every day. I might add that I never - yes, I mean never - climax with my husband. (He knows that of course; I’m not faking.)

Nor does he know that I have a gentle crush on a woman both he and I are acquainted with, or that I once in my youth had a major crush on a female colleague. He simply doesn’t know anything of my curiosity towards women.

And he has no clue as to just how kinky I am when it comes to erotic desires. He doesn’t know that I’ve been through a sexual awakening of sorts over the last couple of years, or that I watch porn, or that I’ve written an erotic novella that I’ve shown to no-one.

In the beginning I felt guilty about it all. But... how do I explain this. He and I have a beautiful relationship; not erotically, but we’ve always been supportive of one another, and generous, and loving. He can’t care for my needs sexually, but he is my best friend, my partner, my companion, and, not least importantly, a wonderful father to our children.

What right do I have to ruin that? I know that trust would be hard to rebuild if I told him all my secrets - but that’s because he’s stuck in the monogamous world, whereas I’m realizing that one person will never satisfy all my needs in life. How could I expect him to NOT think that I’m looking to get out? And even if he became aware I wasn’t leaving now, how could he ever stop wondering not if, but when it will happen?

I might be able to convince him otherwise, but then again, I might not.

And if I couldn’t... I’d be forcing upon him, myself and my children a breakup and a separation, which I find is completely unnecessary.

Of course I’d love to be able to be completely open with him... but as I said, there’s no way of knowing that would be the outcome. It’s too big a risk to take. I wouldn’t be taking it for him, but for me. It wouldn’t be fair. I’m the one who’s in need of change - he obviously isn’t. I’m the one who needs to be open; he’s probably better off not knowing.

So I’ve quietly made the changes I needed to make, catering to my new needs, while not forcing him to join me. I don’t think I’m being selfish - quite the contrary.

And no, I don’t feel guilty. At all.

Do you?

Happy

It's such a wonderful level of flirting. It's not that kind of painful crush where every glance and every smile and every word is the source of either delirious joy or utter despair, but it's certainly not indifferent either. Sometimes I wonder if I really want anything at all to happen... I'm rather enjoying things as they are now.

I'm lucky: I get to see her a couple of times a week. I'm never alone with her, but I don't mind. I like catching her watching me from afar, through the crowds. I like getting a quick smile from her - and when I do, it's as if only she and I are in the room, though there are usually at least 50 others. I lke the warmth that spreads in my body, and I like the feeling of not being able to erase the silly smile from my face. I love wondering whether she's interested or just being friendly.

As for S... I've shared my concerns with him, and he says nice things to me. Things that make me smile. I think we're ok :-)

Difficult

Sometimes I regret having shared this blog with S. I need to vent things that he might be better off not hearing... but I have nowhere, absolutely nowhere, else to vent them, so I'll just go ahead.

We had phone sex today. It was very unexpected, and the timing (for me) was perfect, since I had already started when he came online, and when he offered to call I couldn't think of anything I wanted more.

And it was good, and hot, and he made me come hard... I also enjoyed just talking with him, hearing his voice... I love sensing the flesh and blood of him. It's a sensation that gets harder to grasp with time when we only communicate through written words.

But here's the thing: He didn't come. And I frankly can't remember when was the last time I made him climax. And I wish he wouldn't read this... he already knows I feel selfish, but I'd rather he didn't know that I question this whole relationship, that I question my own role in it, wondering why I can't seem to give back to him what he gives to me. Perhaps I've gotten more focused on myself, perhaps the novelty has simply worn off, perhaps he needs something else, or something new.

I'm not reinventing myself anymore... I think that's what it's about. I've explored countless kinks and desires with S, more than I thought was possible, and sexually I'm a different person today than I was when I met him. But I'm not sure what direction I could possibly move in, that I haven't already explored. I feel lucky to have made it this far, and I think I'm happy staying in this place. I've come to a place where I feel I have a deep enough well of erotic fantasies to dig from, and a wonderful lover to share them with. I feel safe, happy, comfortable. S is a positive, just by being him, whether he provides me with new thoughts or not.

I'm not sure he's as easily satisfied.

He's not the kind of person who's happy staying. He will never cease to explore, further and further... maybe he needs to do that with someone else? It's a frightening thought, but it's maturing, growing, making itself comfortable within me. I'm just waiting for him to realize.

It's an agonizing wait... and at the same time so enjoyable.

So very enjoyable.

One-sided phone sex...?

I talked with S this morning, and by that I mean a typed conversation. I was very aroused by our mutual fantasies and had to go lie down, with vibrator in hand. S was at work, so no chance of phone sex.

As I felt my climax approaching I had an urge to let him hear me... I even wrote a message asking if he'd consider calling me, not talking, just listening... but something made me hesitate, and I never sent it.

Instead I went ahead and let myself be swept away by delicious images and scenarios, and shortly after, during our still ongoing conversation, I came.

Afterwards I told him that I would have wanted for him to hear me, but that I hadn't quite been able to bring myself to ask. I didn't outright ask him if he'd have wanted to, and he didn't outright say that he would have. In fact, I think I rather gathered from his reply that he wouldn't.

Which is fine, of course, since that's up to him entirely. But while I do feel relaxed and very good after (sort of) coming with him, since it has been a while now, I'll also have to admit I feel just a tad insecure as well... or perhaps rejected, even? I guess I had hoped he'd be a bit more enthusiastic about the phone idea, and seeing as he wasn't, I feel embarrassed about having brought it up.

I'm glad I didn't ask before the climax. That might have ruined things.

I miss my numbers

S came online, and we took off into the land of daydreams... I'm definitely back. He had to leave after an hour of talking about this and that. I was close. So close.

Of course I kept going without him.

And now I miss my numbered posts a little.

Back in the roller coaster

I was starting to think my focus had shifted, that I was moving away from the erotic bubble I've been in and out of on a daily basis for the last couple of years. My daydreams faded, my online activites were next to zero, my blog almost dormant, my libido... well, far from non-existant, but not in the frantic state I've gotten used to. I thought I'd snapped out of it, and I felt confused. Empty. And was there a tad of relief?

I didn't think I would snap right back into it - but I did.

Suddenly, there she was, as lovely as ever, her eyes still searching for mine, rewarding me with a warm smile across the room or the lawn when she caught me searching right back. That hope, that I had buried and didn't expect to uncover, ever, came right back into light. And so there it was again, my pounding heart. And I was happy to welcome it back.

And there was someone else... just eye candy really, food for thought, a trigger for my imagination. But I didn't realize it fully until S came back. It didn't take him long to pull those taboo fantasies out of me, making me realize that I hadn't been at a standstill after all. And so there they were again, the tingle and the urge. I've missed them.

And now S has disappeared for a day or so, and I've immediately started worrying that he may have lost interest. And so here it is again, the shortness of breath, the brooding. And I know I need them to stay sane.

I've enjoyed the pause, but now I'm looking forward to hitting the roller coaster again. I am very happy to be back.

Frenzy

I just can't get enough right now. I can't even look at my bed without wanting to touch myself. I can't much look at anything without getting horny. In fact, I'm aroused even as I start looking. No really, I don't even have to look.

And tonight I'm going away and won't have any alone time... but in my frenzied state I'm sure I'll think of a way.

Talking in the night

I so missed S tonight... I didn't have time to make myself come earlier in the day, so I was incredibly horny going to bed, desperate for whispered words, hot touches, taboo fantasies. I knew he wouldn't be online of course, since he's still on holiday.

I was getting up early, but I just couldn't resist going into the chat. It has been quite a while. I started talking with someone, and he turned out to be a surprisingly sexy person who really turned me on. Very encouraging, and very obviously aroused, hard... which I loved imagining. I came, and then I came again.

So now I'm very relaxed and comfortable and ready to go to sleep.

Though I'll admit I feel just a tad unfaithful.

Afternoon delight

I feel lazy, in a way. With S away, no-one is making me dig deep inside myself for those secret fantasies that I love unlocking.

Instead, I'm digging into the gold mine that is this new new author of erotic stories that I've found. Which made for a great afternoon delight today.

I wonder why I'm always so very horny around 2, 3, 4 pm...? Never mind. I'm just glad that I have the house to myself around that time, finally, again.

First day on my own

Mmm. I've missed them so, those hours after taking the kids to school. At home, alone, after over a month constantly surrounded by family.

I had planned to get started with work, but seeing as I have a cold, I quickly succumbed to other desires and needs. For hours.

I have to come up with some kind of strategy though. During my long vacation I've felt inspired to focus on work during the next few months, but I had clearly forgotten how easily I stray from such plans.

Monday. I will work all day Monday. Promise.

Middle of the night

I woke up in the middle of the night and felt wide awake. The thought of masturbating crossed my mind, and I spent a while daydreaming about someone who's been on my mind lately, but the dreams of her are more romantic than erotic. I went on to open the laptop and read the local news, after which I checked the messenger - not because I thought there'd be something there, and definitely not because I expected to talk, but simply out of habit. I was surprised to find a message from S, who's on a holiday. I hadn't thought I'd hear from him until he got back.

The very brief message got my thoughts going.. I looked up an erotic story, and was surprised to find one which was well written and just to my tastes. What a feast it is when that happens! With mini-vibe in hand I read on, knowing I wouldn't make it until the end of the story.

I love that feeling, of being so close, only allowing myself very light touches of the vibrator, set on low, as to not climax too soon. Challenging myself to read just one more paragraph, then one more, and one more... until finally deciding to let myself go, feeling the spasms ripple through my body in the darkness of the room, the pleasure prolonged by wet fingers knowingly curling and swirling around just the right spots at just the right intervals.

Very relaxed and sleepy now. Too bad I'll have to get up in just one hour.

The state of things

I've had a loooong vacation, with very limited possibilities for talking online and/or masturbating. I need my alone time back. Looking forward to going back to work. A lot.

I've seen the woman I'm interested in again, finally, after a couple of months of no contact... I can't figure out if she's flirting back or just warm-hearted by nature. She smiles a lot, she's very physical. Which doesn't necessarily mean that she's flirting. Which probably doesn't mean that she's flirting. Ah, I wish I knew. I've enjoyed seeing her again nonetheless. A lot.

S has gone away, and I won't be talking with him over the next couple of weeks. I already miss him. A lot.

Post phone sex stress disorder

Written words have always been my friends. If given a choice, I'll choose written communication over spoken any time. I'm a slow thinker and I'm not particularly fond of hearing my own voice. I don't feel confident about speaking.

Needless to say, chatting and online communication suits me really well.

But then from time to time, S and I will have phone sex. I love hearing his voice... love it. I get so aroused, and come so easily while listening to him, and afterwards I love recalling his voice as he nears climax (sometimes I'll read stories about men masturbating, only to imagine the sound of him... and I'll come to that image.)

But: So unsure am I of spoken communication, that I'll more or less assume that I'm a disappointment to him.

Considering how much he seems to enjoy talking on the phone with me, I'd say it's pretty obvious that I'm wrong. But it's a fact that while phone sex tends to make me more attached to S, making me want to chat online even more, he seems to react in the opposite way. Our online conversations are often reduced to a minimum for some time after we've talked on the phone.

My brain is fairly sure that there are other factors behind this, not having to do with my ability (or, should I say, inability) to use spoken words, but my heart is not following. It gets nervous, scared - sometimes to the point where I won't even go online. I realize that this strategy eliminates every chance of S contacting me, which is the opposite of what I want, but at certain times, it definitely beats the horrifying risk of staying online, only to discover that he's not around, which in my agitated state sends me endlessly contemplating the possible reasons behind his absence (and I'm ashamed to admit that I usually fail to consider the most obvious ones, such as him being busy or tired).

Yes, I'm obsessing, and yes, you may call me crazy (and if my friend G was around I'm sure he would, which would probably both make me angry and do me good). However, I won't acknowledge it as an entirely negative feeling. I love that S still means that much to me that he can affect me so profoundly, after over a year and a half of talking online, practically on a daily basis.

It's both scary and delightful.

But yes, I suppose I have confidence issues, and that I should somehow be working on them.