Post phone sex stress disorder

Written words have always been my friends. If given a choice, I'll choose written communication over spoken any time. I'm a slow thinker and I'm not particularly fond of hearing my own voice. I don't feel confident about speaking.

Needless to say, chatting and online communication suits me really well.

But then from time to time, S and I will have phone sex. I love hearing his voice... love it. I get so aroused, and come so easily while listening to him, and afterwards I love recalling his voice as he nears climax (sometimes I'll read stories about men masturbating, only to imagine the sound of him... and I'll come to that image.)

But: So unsure am I of spoken communication, that I'll more or less assume that I'm a disappointment to him.

Considering how much he seems to enjoy talking on the phone with me, I'd say it's pretty obvious that I'm wrong. But it's a fact that while phone sex tends to make me more attached to S, making me want to chat online even more, he seems to react in the opposite way. Our online conversations are often reduced to a minimum for some time after we've talked on the phone.

My brain is fairly sure that there are other factors behind this, not having to do with my ability (or, should I say, inability) to use spoken words, but my heart is not following. It gets nervous, scared - sometimes to the point where I won't even go online. I realize that this strategy eliminates every chance of S contacting me, which is the opposite of what I want, but at certain times, it definitely beats the horrifying risk of staying online, only to discover that he's not around, which in my agitated state sends me endlessly contemplating the possible reasons behind his absence (and I'm ashamed to admit that I usually fail to consider the most obvious ones, such as him being busy or tired).

Yes, I'm obsessing, and yes, you may call me crazy (and if my friend G was around I'm sure he would, which would probably both make me angry and do me good). However, I won't acknowledge it as an entirely negative feeling. I love that S still means that much to me that he can affect me so profoundly, after over a year and a half of talking online, practically on a daily basis.

It's both scary and delightful.

But yes, I suppose I have confidence issues, and that I should somehow be working on them.