Betrayal

I’m the first to admit that I’m betraying the trust of my husband.

He vaguely knows that I masturbate when he’s not around, but he has no idea that I’ve been talking with an online lover on a daily basis for almost two years now, and that I climax with said lover several times a week, and with myself most every day. I might add that I never - yes, I mean never - climax with my husband. (He knows that of course; I’m not faking.)

Nor does he know that I have a gentle crush on a woman both he and I are acquainted with, or that I once in my youth had a major crush on a female colleague. He simply doesn’t know anything of my curiosity towards women.

And he has no clue as to just how kinky I am when it comes to erotic desires. He doesn’t know that I’ve been through a sexual awakening of sorts over the last couple of years, or that I watch porn, or that I’ve written an erotic novella that I’ve shown to no-one.

In the beginning I felt guilty about it all. But... how do I explain this. He and I have a beautiful relationship; not erotically, but we’ve always been supportive of one another, and generous, and loving. He can’t care for my needs sexually, but he is my best friend, my partner, my companion, and, not least importantly, a wonderful father to our children.

What right do I have to ruin that? I know that trust would be hard to rebuild if I told him all my secrets - but that’s because he’s stuck in the monogamous world, whereas I’m realizing that one person will never satisfy all my needs in life. How could I expect him to NOT think that I’m looking to get out? And even if he became aware I wasn’t leaving now, how could he ever stop wondering not if, but when it will happen?

I might be able to convince him otherwise, but then again, I might not.

And if I couldn’t... I’d be forcing upon him, myself and my children a breakup and a separation, which I find is completely unnecessary.

Of course I’d love to be able to be completely open with him... but as I said, there’s no way of knowing that would be the outcome. It’s too big a risk to take. I wouldn’t be taking it for him, but for me. It wouldn’t be fair. I’m the one who’s in need of change - he obviously isn’t. I’m the one who needs to be open; he’s probably better off not knowing.

So I’ve quietly made the changes I needed to make, catering to my new needs, while not forcing him to join me. I don’t think I’m being selfish - quite the contrary.

And no, I don’t feel guilty. At all.

Do you?

Happy

It's such a wonderful level of flirting. It's not that kind of painful crush where every glance and every smile and every word is the source of either delirious joy or utter despair, but it's certainly not indifferent either. Sometimes I wonder if I really want anything at all to happen... I'm rather enjoying things as they are now.

I'm lucky: I get to see her a couple of times a week. I'm never alone with her, but I don't mind. I like catching her watching me from afar, through the crowds. I like getting a quick smile from her - and when I do, it's as if only she and I are in the room, though there are usually at least 50 others. I lke the warmth that spreads in my body, and I like the feeling of not being able to erase the silly smile from my face. I love wondering whether she's interested or just being friendly.

As for S... I've shared my concerns with him, and he says nice things to me. Things that make me smile. I think we're ok :-)

Difficult

Sometimes I regret having shared this blog with S. I need to vent things that he might be better off not hearing... but I have nowhere, absolutely nowhere, else to vent them, so I'll just go ahead.

We had phone sex today. It was very unexpected, and the timing (for me) was perfect, since I had already started when he came online, and when he offered to call I couldn't think of anything I wanted more.

And it was good, and hot, and he made me come hard... I also enjoyed just talking with him, hearing his voice... I love sensing the flesh and blood of him. It's a sensation that gets harder to grasp with time when we only communicate through written words.

But here's the thing: He didn't come. And I frankly can't remember when was the last time I made him climax. And I wish he wouldn't read this... he already knows I feel selfish, but I'd rather he didn't know that I question this whole relationship, that I question my own role in it, wondering why I can't seem to give back to him what he gives to me. Perhaps I've gotten more focused on myself, perhaps the novelty has simply worn off, perhaps he needs something else, or something new.

I'm not reinventing myself anymore... I think that's what it's about. I've explored countless kinks and desires with S, more than I thought was possible, and sexually I'm a different person today than I was when I met him. But I'm not sure what direction I could possibly move in, that I haven't already explored. I feel lucky to have made it this far, and I think I'm happy staying in this place. I've come to a place where I feel I have a deep enough well of erotic fantasies to dig from, and a wonderful lover to share them with. I feel safe, happy, comfortable. S is a positive, just by being him, whether he provides me with new thoughts or not.

I'm not sure he's as easily satisfied.

He's not the kind of person who's happy staying. He will never cease to explore, further and further... maybe he needs to do that with someone else? It's a frightening thought, but it's maturing, growing, making itself comfortable within me. I'm just waiting for him to realize.

It's an agonizing wait... and at the same time so enjoyable.

So very enjoyable.

One-sided phone sex...?

I talked with S this morning, and by that I mean a typed conversation. I was very aroused by our mutual fantasies and had to go lie down, with vibrator in hand. S was at work, so no chance of phone sex.

As I felt my climax approaching I had an urge to let him hear me... I even wrote a message asking if he'd consider calling me, not talking, just listening... but something made me hesitate, and I never sent it.

Instead I went ahead and let myself be swept away by delicious images and scenarios, and shortly after, during our still ongoing conversation, I came.

Afterwards I told him that I would have wanted for him to hear me, but that I hadn't quite been able to bring myself to ask. I didn't outright ask him if he'd have wanted to, and he didn't outright say that he would have. In fact, I think I rather gathered from his reply that he wouldn't.

Which is fine, of course, since that's up to him entirely. But while I do feel relaxed and very good after (sort of) coming with him, since it has been a while now, I'll also have to admit I feel just a tad insecure as well... or perhaps rejected, even? I guess I had hoped he'd be a bit more enthusiastic about the phone idea, and seeing as he wasn't, I feel embarrassed about having brought it up.

I'm glad I didn't ask before the climax. That might have ruined things.

I miss my numbers

S came online, and we took off into the land of daydreams... I'm definitely back. He had to leave after an hour of talking about this and that. I was close. So close.

Of course I kept going without him.

And now I miss my numbered posts a little.

Back in the roller coaster

I was starting to think my focus had shifted, that I was moving away from the erotic bubble I've been in and out of on a daily basis for the last couple of years. My daydreams faded, my online activites were next to zero, my blog almost dormant, my libido... well, far from non-existant, but not in the frantic state I've gotten used to. I thought I'd snapped out of it, and I felt confused. Empty. And was there a tad of relief?

I didn't think I would snap right back into it - but I did.

Suddenly, there she was, as lovely as ever, her eyes still searching for mine, rewarding me with a warm smile across the room or the lawn when she caught me searching right back. That hope, that I had buried and didn't expect to uncover, ever, came right back into light. And so there it was again, my pounding heart. And I was happy to welcome it back.

And there was someone else... just eye candy really, food for thought, a trigger for my imagination. But I didn't realize it fully until S came back. It didn't take him long to pull those taboo fantasies out of me, making me realize that I hadn't been at a standstill after all. And so there they were again, the tingle and the urge. I've missed them.

And now S has disappeared for a day or so, and I've immediately started worrying that he may have lost interest. And so here it is again, the shortness of breath, the brooding. And I know I need them to stay sane.

I've enjoyed the pause, but now I'm looking forward to hitting the roller coaster again. I am very happy to be back.

Frenzy

I just can't get enough right now. I can't even look at my bed without wanting to touch myself. I can't much look at anything without getting horny. In fact, I'm aroused even as I start looking. No really, I don't even have to look.

And tonight I'm going away and won't have any alone time... but in my frenzied state I'm sure I'll think of a way.