When I read other people's erotic fantasies, they seem to mostly be about themselves experiencing things they dream of experiencing. Am I the only one who fantasizes about being someone (or even something) completely different from who I am?
This time I imagined being a young, rather inexperienced woman... not saying more (though I know some of you think I should).
Before that I talked with S for half an hour or so. We basically just caught up. It was late and he had to leave so there was no play, but I was very glad to see him none the less.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Video fun and absent lover
I had a kind of sexy day. Not much in the way or orgasms, but still not bad.
It started with a pleasant conversation with J, which put me in a good mood and made me lose myself in thoughts about a warm, sensual, female body. I simply need to experience that some day... I even wrote down a fantasy later; an attempt at a start of a new email exchange with J and S. For different reasons I haven't sent it to either of them yet, but I probably will when the timing is right.
Then I decided to have another go at making a video - but this time I went about it a little differently. Firstly, I chose a much simpler task. Secondly, I chose to go for professional advice.
This is a little sensitive. I mean, I want to make a video for S. Which sort of includes not showing it to anybody else. But I also need to find a way to feel more comfortable about the end result, which involves practice, and input.
So I consulted with my good friend G. This is his area of expertise, and though it felt a little odd showing him my first try, it proved to be a both helpful and enjoyable experience - a good mix of arousal and practical hints. I had fun, and I have good hopes of being able to make a video which feels honest, as well as makes me think back on what I felt while making it (as opposed to going cold and freaking out).
I haven't told S about the professional consult, for the simple reason that we haven't talked. A quick "how are you" this morning was all. I feel both sad and worried about it, but I'm choosing to look at it as a temporary lapse of... oh I don't know, him being busy? Having a cold? Fatigue from my emotional outbursts? At least until proven otherwise.
I still have hopes of some night time fun, alone or otherwise. Time will tell.
It started with a pleasant conversation with J, which put me in a good mood and made me lose myself in thoughts about a warm, sensual, female body. I simply need to experience that some day... I even wrote down a fantasy later; an attempt at a start of a new email exchange with J and S. For different reasons I haven't sent it to either of them yet, but I probably will when the timing is right.
Then I decided to have another go at making a video - but this time I went about it a little differently. Firstly, I chose a much simpler task. Secondly, I chose to go for professional advice.
This is a little sensitive. I mean, I want to make a video for S. Which sort of includes not showing it to anybody else. But I also need to find a way to feel more comfortable about the end result, which involves practice, and input.
So I consulted with my good friend G. This is his area of expertise, and though it felt a little odd showing him my first try, it proved to be a both helpful and enjoyable experience - a good mix of arousal and practical hints. I had fun, and I have good hopes of being able to make a video which feels honest, as well as makes me think back on what I felt while making it (as opposed to going cold and freaking out).
I haven't told S about the professional consult, for the simple reason that we haven't talked. A quick "how are you" this morning was all. I feel both sad and worried about it, but I'm choosing to look at it as a temporary lapse of... oh I don't know, him being busy? Having a cold? Fatigue from my emotional outbursts? At least until proven otherwise.
I still have hopes of some night time fun, alone or otherwise. Time will tell.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Glad and sad
Glad:
I flirted tonight. Not in a very blatant way, mind you, but I did open a door that has been closed for so long - ever since I met my husband, actually. Once I had him, I didn't want or need anyone else. I closed the door to other erotic or romantic encounters, and if someone knocked, I simply ignored them (or didn't even hear).
Well tonight that door was ajar, and I loved it. Nothing will ever happen with this particular person, but I so enjoy playing with the thought, fantasizing, feeling myself get a little hot, a little damp. Meeting the eyes of another across a crowded room... mmm.
Sad:
I haven't heard from S since this morning. After a sad goodbye like that, one would think that he'd check his messages at least once or so, and perhaps send a short reply. But I know him well enough by now to know that the fact that he hasn't doesn't mean a thing. It probably just means he hasn't checked his messages, or that he has nothing to add right now, or is simply busy. Still worries me though. I'm very good at worrying.
I flirted tonight. Not in a very blatant way, mind you, but I did open a door that has been closed for so long - ever since I met my husband, actually. Once I had him, I didn't want or need anyone else. I closed the door to other erotic or romantic encounters, and if someone knocked, I simply ignored them (or didn't even hear).
Well tonight that door was ajar, and I loved it. Nothing will ever happen with this particular person, but I so enjoy playing with the thought, fantasizing, feeling myself get a little hot, a little damp. Meeting the eyes of another across a crowded room... mmm.
Sad:
I haven't heard from S since this morning. After a sad goodbye like that, one would think that he'd check his messages at least once or so, and perhaps send a short reply. But I know him well enough by now to know that the fact that he hasn't doesn't mean a thing. It probably just means he hasn't checked his messages, or that he has nothing to add right now, or is simply busy. Still worries me though. I'm very good at worrying.
#57, March 2, afternoon
Had a disastrous morning with S today.
It could have been so good. It was definitely not his fault that it wasn't.
I was in a non-erotic mood, as I often am just after ovulation - it's purely hormonal. But talking with him helped of course, and I agreed to send the video I'd made yesterday, even though it only met half of the requests he'd made. Needless to say, he wanted to see it anyway.
The technicalities of sending it (I have to learn ftp!) brought me down a little, but it worked after a while, and he started watching. And that's where things went very wrong.
I watched it simultaneously, but we didn't talk, which I think was a mistake. While I was watching it, all I could think of was that I looked horrible (since I was on my back in a dark room, with camera in front of me... not the most flattering camera angle... god, I'm blushing as I'm thinking about it now) and that the words coming out of my mouth were mostly unintelligible (since I was about to come, which makes it a little difficult to focus, to say the least). Somehow, true and honest pleasure doesn't look at all as neat and tidy as it does in porn clips, at least not when I'm in it!
So there I was, quietly watching for a rather long time... sweating, blushing... and imagining him watching it, and being disgusted by it... Which he wasn't (at least I don't think so), but when he did talk, and said he loved it, I was so freaked out that just couldn't believe him. I still don't know if I can, though he kept saying sweet things for a while.
He wanted to call me, but I was upset and sad, and just couldn't face him.
I've decided to prepare a little better the next time, to work up to it a little more - showing an intimate video like that to someone is almost like having sex; I think I need a little more foreplay! And above all, I'll make him talk on the phone while he's watching. I'm not going to wait too long with this, or I have the feeling I'll never do it.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about this, and I've been in a really bad mood most day. When I sensed a headache developing, I figured I needed to masturbate to relieve some of the tension. I think I also wanted to restore some confidence in experiencing that my body can give pleasure - if not to onlookers, then at least to me. And it could. It wasn't extraordinarily good, but I do feel a little back on track.
It could have been so good. It was definitely not his fault that it wasn't.
I was in a non-erotic mood, as I often am just after ovulation - it's purely hormonal. But talking with him helped of course, and I agreed to send the video I'd made yesterday, even though it only met half of the requests he'd made. Needless to say, he wanted to see it anyway.
The technicalities of sending it (I have to learn ftp!) brought me down a little, but it worked after a while, and he started watching. And that's where things went very wrong.
I watched it simultaneously, but we didn't talk, which I think was a mistake. While I was watching it, all I could think of was that I looked horrible (since I was on my back in a dark room, with camera in front of me... not the most flattering camera angle... god, I'm blushing as I'm thinking about it now) and that the words coming out of my mouth were mostly unintelligible (since I was about to come, which makes it a little difficult to focus, to say the least). Somehow, true and honest pleasure doesn't look at all as neat and tidy as it does in porn clips, at least not when I'm in it!
So there I was, quietly watching for a rather long time... sweating, blushing... and imagining him watching it, and being disgusted by it... Which he wasn't (at least I don't think so), but when he did talk, and said he loved it, I was so freaked out that just couldn't believe him. I still don't know if I can, though he kept saying sweet things for a while.
He wanted to call me, but I was upset and sad, and just couldn't face him.
I've decided to prepare a little better the next time, to work up to it a little more - showing an intimate video like that to someone is almost like having sex; I think I need a little more foreplay! And above all, I'll make him talk on the phone while he's watching. I'm not going to wait too long with this, or I have the feeling I'll never do it.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about this, and I've been in a really bad mood most day. When I sensed a headache developing, I figured I needed to masturbate to relieve some of the tension. I think I also wanted to restore some confidence in experiencing that my body can give pleasure - if not to onlookers, then at least to me. And it could. It wasn't extraordinarily good, but I do feel a little back on track.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
#56, March 1, afternoon
I do believe I'm ovulating. The frenzy, the constant arousal...
I should be granted a couple of days off each month, to indulge.
Actually, more often than that - I have short cycles.
I should be granted a couple of days off each month, to indulge.
Actually, more often than that - I have short cycles.
#55, March 1, mid-day
Ok, here's a secret: That quickie before... I filmed it.
And the thought of having done it made me so incredibly aroused that I immediately needed to go again.
And I filmed that, too.
I wonder if I'll have the guts to send any of them to S.
And the thought of having done it made me so incredibly aroused that I immediately needed to go again.
And I filmed that, too.
I wonder if I'll have the guts to send any of them to S.
#54, March 1, mid-day
Quite a while back, I made a video. I made it for myself, actually, but I ended up sending it to S very quickly (to my big surprise; shock almost). I know he has enjoyed it a lot, and I love the thought of him watching it. I've never cammed with anyone, so this is definitely the first and only time I've made, and shared, moving images of myself in an intimate situation.
And now I'd like to share it with somebody else as well - a good, close, online friend, let's call him G, who was sort of an affair outside of the affair with S, for a short while, quite some time ago. G is actually the only person I've ever had phone sex with except for S. It was so intense and fun getting to know him, but I quickly realized that two affairs was more than I could handle. As lovely as G is, S has always been my one and only lover. The fact that G could handle being told as much, and remain my friend, just proves what a wonderful person he is.
G and I don't cyber, or play together online (after that brief affair, that is), but we do talk a lot about sex and desires. The video I made happens to depict something that G is very much into, and he's known about its existance for a long time. I know he's been envious, and hopeful that I'd some day show it to him.
So last night I asked S how he'd feel about me sharing it. He first said that of course I should... but as we kept talking, I think we both knew that none of us wanted to let go of it that easily. I think I really wanted him to claim ownership over it, and I think he too really wanted to do just that. He launched the idea that I first make him a new video, and even named a couple of special requests for it. Once he has the new one, he'll let go of the old one. Something like that.
I'm so incredibly aroused by this. Filming myself is definitely a challenge for me, both emotionally and technically. Meeting the special requests S has named makes me shiver, with arousal and nervousness. It will take me some time to set it up and make it happen.
I actually started experimenting with the camera this morning. While I had it out I filmed something entirely different in the spur of the moment... definitely nothing I had planned. I quickly emailed it to S, but I know he's at work, and that he won't be able to watch it until later. Then I was interrupted by something, and then I was no longer alone... but the fact that I didnt't get to come with S last night, though I was so very, very aroused the entire time we talked, and the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about the video I'd made earlier today, and the video I'm planning to make... all of it lead to me sneaking off for a quickie with myself. It was a much and long needed release.
And now I'd like to share it with somebody else as well - a good, close, online friend, let's call him G, who was sort of an affair outside of the affair with S, for a short while, quite some time ago. G is actually the only person I've ever had phone sex with except for S. It was so intense and fun getting to know him, but I quickly realized that two affairs was more than I could handle. As lovely as G is, S has always been my one and only lover. The fact that G could handle being told as much, and remain my friend, just proves what a wonderful person he is.
G and I don't cyber, or play together online (after that brief affair, that is), but we do talk a lot about sex and desires. The video I made happens to depict something that G is very much into, and he's known about its existance for a long time. I know he's been envious, and hopeful that I'd some day show it to him.
So last night I asked S how he'd feel about me sharing it. He first said that of course I should... but as we kept talking, I think we both knew that none of us wanted to let go of it that easily. I think I really wanted him to claim ownership over it, and I think he too really wanted to do just that. He launched the idea that I first make him a new video, and even named a couple of special requests for it. Once he has the new one, he'll let go of the old one. Something like that.
I'm so incredibly aroused by this. Filming myself is definitely a challenge for me, both emotionally and technically. Meeting the special requests S has named makes me shiver, with arousal and nervousness. It will take me some time to set it up and make it happen.
I actually started experimenting with the camera this morning. While I had it out I filmed something entirely different in the spur of the moment... definitely nothing I had planned. I quickly emailed it to S, but I know he's at work, and that he won't be able to watch it until later. Then I was interrupted by something, and then I was no longer alone... but the fact that I didnt't get to come with S last night, though I was so very, very aroused the entire time we talked, and the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about the video I'd made earlier today, and the video I'm planning to make... all of it lead to me sneaking off for a quickie with myself. It was a much and long needed release.
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